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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2903
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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my boyfriend has become distant and we not communicating.

Resolved Question:

my boyfriend has become distant and we not communicating. I'm not sure how to handle this.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am sorry to hear this. Can you give me a little more detail about the relationship? What has caused the distance, if you know. Has this happened before?

I am always an advocate your feelings out on the table so I would suggest that you open up to him and ask him what is going on and how can you reconnect.

I will wait to hear back from you and then we can proceed with our dialog. Any other additional information would be helpful. Thanks.
Jen
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Jen,

We have spoken and we are on different paths. His heart doesn't seem to be in the relationship. He has been divorced foe 10 years, but said he was an extension of her life, and was unhappy. He's into cycling and wants to spend most of his time doing that and said that's a priority eventhough I am important to him. But says he doesn't have strong feelings as much as I do, and is not sure about what he wants out of his life. But he like his life the way it is, he has more control now after the divorce. We spent a lot time together during xmas and I thought that would bring us closer, but he just pushes me away everytime. I seem to meeting the same men who can't give back and I give more, and compromise. I want to break away from this cycle and meet someone who can open their heart and will want to be with and be vulnerable and take risks. I am very exhausted from it all and not sure what to do. All my friends are settling down having children and i'm single again, turning 39 this year. It is heart-breaking, but I need to stop meeting men like this. Too painful, not sure what to do.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
So glad to hear back from you and so sorry to hear of your pain. I am glad that he was able to be honest with you....that has been the reason distance....Even though it is painful to hear all that you have and desire to be closer, at least you know where things stand.

I know how you desire love and to be settled, and it will come when the time is right and it is supposed to. Try and take this time to be with you and get back to your life and your passions. When you are fully living that is when things happen and you meet like minded people and things can develop. You need to mourn this loss , but as best you can I don't want you to get stuck in the thoughts of you will never meet anyone or why do I keep going men. We care we care and none of us have a crystal ball as to how the relationship will turn out.

Enjoy some time on your own and when you are ready to get back out there you will know. Be free, date and enjoy. And if that red flag goes up that someone can't give, then you will see it earlier this time. Be kind to yourself here...and keep your loving heart open.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you lovely words. I am not sure how to leave things now. We spoke long time on the phone yesterday. I have some things at his house to collect, but I really want to move on and put the past behind me. We went through a lot together as we split up and then got back together. He had counselling to help him decide if he wanted to have children, but he didn't sustain at it, but I think the real reason is that he afraid of any real commitment and intimacy which is what I want. I know he is quite damaged and needs help, but is afraid to get it and look at himself.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
Let my words stay with you when you need comfort. It does not all need to get figured out...let things be bit and then you can both decide how to end with grace and care. In the meantime focus on what you need to feel as well as you can. I am here when you need.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Jen,

Thank you. I wanted to ask advice. I feel angry and now I can see things more clearly about the way he treated me. He is still in contact with his ex wife they are friends, they have know each other years. Been divorced . They had a difficult marriage.The point is she still has a hold him and its not allowing him to move forward. I'm feeling angry about the fact that he I know he still cares , he calls her the same affectionate name that he called me. I did confront him and he said he calls everyone that name. I just feel very angry.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
It is all hurtful to hear and the anger you feel about all of it is normal. angry that it is not working out in the way you desire, angry that he is in touch with the ex, angry tht he uses the same affectionate name....all makes sense. Even if he is unable to move forward, you still can. Feel all of your feelings and let them come and go...in time you will begin to heal and most likely see that there was not enough mutuality in this relationship to sustain you. Seems liek you deserve more and in time will find that.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you so much. I am wondering if I should contact him and let him know about my anger or just deal with it myself. I just feel I was too nice when we split up and didn't tell him what I was really thinking or feeling. Not sure what would be best to do in this situation. I will have to see him at somepoint as I have a lot my stuff at the his place.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
I would sit with it bit...feel it, but I don't think he will be able to hear any of it...he sounds like he does what suits him best and if so, then most likely he can't hear any of it and no good will come of it. See how things play out and when you see him to get your things and if the need is still there you can talk openly about all of your feelings?
does that sound reasonable ?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

You are right, but I still have the urge to really tell him. It is very hard to just sit with your feelings. We did split up before which was much painful, but now I'm more angry at myself getting out sooner. I know he wont like what I tell him, but he will hear it, he doesn't know what he wants and is very much in denial about himself and can't see the wood from the trees! I am angry!!!

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
I hear you...and I hear clearly that you desire to tell him. So, collect your thoughts and feelings and let them out in a way that you can still express all that you hear but that gives you the best chance of being heard.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2903
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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