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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3240
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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. I am a married mother of two children, boy 6 and daughter

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. I am a married mother of two children, boy 6 and daughter 10.
My husband was made redundant around three years ago and we agreed that the following year he did not need to look new job as we had some of the redundancy money to help and also my son was starting nursery at school which meant he would need childcare a day each day. He was diagnosed then with adhd and was also prescribed some anti-depression pills from the doctor. The second year my husband decided to fill his time with helping at school and doing local voluntary work - he said this was to enhance his skills to add to his cv. I still managed to run the house singlehandedly by dipping into some of our savings that we had put aside childrens further education. At the start of third year I stressed how he needed to stop filling his time with other things and start to look job or some form of income (also, in all this time, he has not signed on and claimed any benefits even though I have asked him to). We are at the end of the third year now and he is at home all day whilst I am at work and kids at school - he does not cook dinner, clean the house or do any shopping to help. I am at my wits end now and the children are feeling the effect as he shouts at them vs talk and when I approach him about work, says he's not going to and has made no attempt to look job. I work four days at the moment and when I get home have to cook dinner, put wash loads on, get school bags ready next day, fillout school forms etc. I feel like I am sinking and am worried at how my husband is behaving in his refusal to do anything. He still takes the pills despite having no responsibility . Please can you help?
Surely he can't do this and not even attempt to support the kids? Thanks advice. Trusha
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  clairep80 replied 2 years ago.

Thank you question.

I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
May I ask - do you want the marriage to continue?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Clare,

I guess the answer is yes, partly because of the children and partly because I believe that if my husband did start to work again most of the negative behaviour would remedy itself.

I don't think I mentioned it before but he spends nearly 90% of his time on a laptop listening to audio about self belief and other philosophical material. I feel hopeless as he doesn't want to commuicate about anything work related and if i do try to leave a few chores to do during the day, has started to ignore that too..

Expert:  clairep80 replied 2 years ago.

Then I shall opt out and transfer you to the Relationship section
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

, does that mean that I have no rights with regard to expecting my husband to support the children financially? Thanks

Expert:  clairep80 replied 2 years ago.

I am afraid that whilst you remain living together there is no legal action you can take to force your husband to take financial responsibility children or indeed
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

So he can choose not to contribute financially to the upbringing of the children as well as do nothing to support paying the mortgage and bills etc. whilst I work? Surely there must be something I can do? Not to mention the physcological strain that I am constatly under...please help

Expert:  clairep80 replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry - but so long as you remain together there is no legal action that you can take.
Since you say that you wish the marriage to continue I have transferred this to the relationship section in the hope that a counsellor may be able to assist you
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

okay, thanks help.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Let me know if you desire to talk further. I am a relationship expert. I hear you want to stay in the marriage and I also hear that you husband shows no desire to be different. Asking, begging and trying to get him to become responsibility has not worked and unless he gets some help to deal with possible depression, it seems to me that things will remain the same. And that is when you begin to ask yourself what you want moving forward and much longer you believe you and the children can live this way.

I will await your reply and we can talk further.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Jen, apologies response. I do not work on Fridays and as you can probably guess, when at home I don't get a second to myself.

You are right, I think at this moment in time I feel that I have little choice but to try and get my husband back to 'normal', although as tme progresses, things seem to be getting worse..

At first (in second year of being at home), he was trying to set up a business of his own but things did not work out. Lat year, I had a friend whose husband was trying to get him involved in some work but then had to relocate so nothing came of this either. This last year and at present my husnand has shown no signs of even wanting to find work and I am certain he has gotten 'comfortable' being at home and having no financial responsibility since things are ticking along with me working. Sadly, he has become slack in helping with chores too so I am cooing dinners, washing clothes, sorting kids school things etc.

Our relationship has suffered and we barely talk - the reason I feel trapped is because if I forced him to leave I have no family that would be able to step in to help and I do need it as chillden are still young and need childcare before and after school. He does take them to any activities they might have after school.

He is occupying his time by looking at football coaching skills of the day on his laptop as my son does training on saturdays - I have been tempted to stop this activity but then my son will be upset - I feel very helpless and don't know what to do.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
Thanks back to me with more information. You are in a tough spot and I feel you are going through. It sounds like your husbands lack of motivation and desire could betied to his depression so getting himself some support around that could be the most beneficial.

But you do bring up an imortant point...he is involved with the kids in terms of taking them to activities and being there care. Now, althouh I know you desire him to work and need him to work and all of that burden is on you....you may try tapping into those skills to give him some confidence. Let him know how appreciative and happy you are that the kids have him and he is doing a great job....often the lack of motivation can remain if he feels un appreciated. I am not saying you are wrong in your feelings and desires.....you are not, but at this time he just might not be capable of doing more. And if things are stresed between the two of you then he might not be able to truly hear you when you ask him you need.

So maybe in a quiet moment you sit with him and let him know how thankful you are that the kids have him after school activitites and ask him to come up with a chore or two that he could feel okay about doing to help out. If he feels like he has to do something it sounds like he can't. But,maybe if he feels he has ownership of it all then he might have the desire to command the ship. does that make sense? I am sure he feels poorly inside himself further debilitating himself. I would not stop the activities of your children...this will not help anyone and could make things worse.

I know how alone, tired and helpless you feel. Try and connect to him in the quiet moments and praise him he is doing and ask him in what other areas could he take command in the house. I don't think any of this is done on purpose to hurt you...I think because whatever he is dealing with makes it hard to achieve more. The depression makes it that way.

Very hard ....I support you. I hope he is talking with someone too to help with the depression.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Jen, thanks advice. I see the point you're making about praising him but recently he seems to be losing his temper very quicjkly with the children to the point that I am getting occasional phone calls from my daughter at home when he has upset them by shouting at them vs being calm and cooperative.

I know some of this stems from arguments that we used to suppress until the children were not around but they know how unhappy mummy is and that mum and dad aren't getting on.

I am convinced that his behaviour stems from some of the side effects of taking the anti depressants, which brings me to my other question...

Surely being at home with no responsibilitie sindicated taht he has little stress in his life and should be coming off these pills? I have been toying with the idea of visiting the doctor to ask why he is still being prescribed them three years now as it seems that he is over dependant on them to function day?

Also, there is a little bit of spite towards me as I have asked him nicely to do things but the response is that he will do things when he chooses and not when I say...

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
I would certainly recommend seeing the doctor whom has prescribed his medication....not necessarily to take him off but to make sure he is on the right one and that his does is correct. Based on all you describe with his behavior and mood swings, it sounds like he needs this to be managed better. I would not, on your part advocate that he gets taken off them but rather advocate that he is under the correct care and regular care.

His stress is internal...so although it seems to you that he shouldn't have any stress, he does. I know how resentful you are and I truly understand it. You are the care taker of it all and it can be very overwhleming. It sounds like his struggles get in the way of him being able to handle any responsibility. and since leaving is not an option , then getting him the best and continuous care is the best thing that can happen right now.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you. I will definitely make an appointment with the doctor. Do you recommend that I discuss how things are at home and his behaviour?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

Yes, I would certainly give the doctor the full picture. They need to know it all so that they can properly assess him and make medications based on all of it. you also need that support because you are dealing with so much.

I am glad you have reached out here. You can come to me anytime that you need more support. i am here. If you don't need me any further at this time, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my support and work. You can ask again by putting Jen only at the start of any question. I am here to help you.
Jen

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you so much Jen. I have kept going and tried to be strong, secretly hoping everything would return to how it was when he was working, but I realise that this isn't the case and needs to be tackled in steps. So hard to deal with as I really supported him when he was being made redundant at work and now it seems it's all been thrown back in my face. I do also feel very lonely as there has been no physical aspect to our relationship three years now. The sheer exhaustion of working and keeping the house/ kids running has allowed me to block this from my mind.

I will follow your advice and am happy to leave a rating.

Many thanks, Trusha.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

I feel that you are going through and how hard you are working to keep it all together and yes you are suffering greatly. As best you can, do not lose yourself in this process. Carve out what you can ..I know that sounds ludicrous with how busy you are, but when you can find a moment....take it and just take care of you.

And you are so correct...it all needs to be handled in steps....tackle what you can. first step is getting him back to the doctor. Next step...care ! And along the way? I am here to support.

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3240
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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