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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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i am wanting some advice on what to do regarding a person

Resolved Question:

Hi i am wanting some advice on what to do regarding a person in my life currently who i feel is effecting my confidence and was wondering if a psychologist could help me figure out why i feel so uncomfortable around this person and what i should do in the future?

She is in a college class with me and we had a very pick argument with me about the fact i was friends with a girl she knew and therefore she did not like me

Since the argument she hasn't said anything nasty to me but i still feel extremely uncomfortable in class and around her.

She is very loud and she is always talking about her friends and relationships and she always says things like " he knows ill slap him" "I'd knock her out" "ill just bite him"

I dunno if this is her being her or if she is trying to look intimidating and trying to make me hear her so to look hard and intimidate me.

what should i do?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
Dr. Norman Brown :

If you will describe what happens when you and this person are together or are talking online, if should be possible to figure out what is happening that depresses your confidence. It would be traceable to what you feel from moment to moment with him (or her). What do you anticipate before you meet this person? How does that make you feel? What makes your feelings go up when you're with this person? And what makes your feelings go down? There may be a repeting cycle of conversation and feelings that makes you feel less confident about yourself. Describe a specific exchange you have had with this person that left you feeling doubtful.

Dr. Norman Brown :

If you also describe the person in detail, including particularly how they act around you and around other people, it may be possible to analyze the personality characteristics that lead this person to be unhealthy for you to be close to. Your hopes and expectations for how this person will treat you and feel about you could also help me understand what is happening to you.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Your age and living situation would also help, as would the other person's age, gender and intentions towards you.

Customer:

Well she is in my college classes we are in both in the same lessons together as it is a 3 lessons a week on 3 days a week and we are a small beauty therapist class. When i talk to her i just feel uncomfertable because of our huge arguement infront of all the other girls in college she is 21 and im 24 so when she shouted out infront of the whole class that she did not like me because i was friends with a girl she hates i was shocked because i had no idea this was the reason she had deleted me as a friend on facebook and when i hd smiled at her before he arguement she failed to smile back.

Customer:

I obviously said back why has that got to do with me ?! And she was shouting about how my friend hx ruined her relationship with a guy she was seein. I asumed a 20 year old girl would be more mature and understand we are not in high school anymore but i guess not. Anyway we did have a convo with the tutor together in which i told her that i had no idea about what had happened between her and my friend and she did get upset and said she felt bad because she had just been paronoid that i knew and stuff which i didnt but since then i have felt nothing but uncomfertable everytime we speak. All i see is the arguement we had that made me feel so funerable

Dr. Norman Brown :

OK, thanks for the concrete scene. She's very aggressive, so she's bullying you by not following the normal social rules for behaviour in a public setting. If there is a teacher in that setting, then it's likely that this other girl's behaviour has come to her attention. So you have already done the best you could to straighten her out. I'd guess that now she's feeling embarrassed about her aggressive outburst and that's why she's avoiding you. She might be afraid of anything else happening between you that would increase her feeling bad--and you're afraid of the same thing.

Customer:

From what i see on facebook since she re added me she hangs around with very rough people and she acts very agressively bad language and stuff infront of alot of people its like she enjoys shocking people and doesnt care she seems to love to cause drama and is always talkin about how she mad at this person and mad at that person

Dr. Norman Brown :

So time will probably heal this discomfort. But you could also slip her a note that says you don't want her to feel bad about what happened in class, and you'd rather let it go, and not stay upset about it. (But she may have learned that being mad is the only good way for her to get attention, and you'd just have to let her know that you don't do ANGRY well and don't like it.)

Customer:

She isnt really trying to avoid me she speaks me me every now n again but i can tell she still feels awkward around me although she hasnt said anything else to me about it or is nasty personally to me now since r massive arguement. She even asked a week after r arguement if i could do her makeup for her in the makeup class this was a shock coz i wasnt expecting that soon and made me think is she trying to be sly here or is she actually trying to be friends again n make n effort but thers somethin i just dont trust about her.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Why does she make me feel so uncomfertable ? I do not want to leave my course because of this silly girl but its gettin me down i knew something like this would happen to me when i went to college because i find it hard to make friends sometimes and i am a little shy however i am a much stronger person than i used to be in highschool and yet i am still feelin like i did back then uncomfertable inside but i have a more tougher shell on the outside now

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Being in close proximaty to her at college because its such small group does not help

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Hellow Han (short for Hannah?-That's my 26 yr old daughter's name &she loves to do makeup herself) I agree that she wants to be friends with you, partly because it is the BEST way to get over her embarrassment about acting badly in class. I agree also that she may want more closeness than you want, and that her aggressiveness could burst out at any time. She might realize that NOBODY wants to be her partner for practicing makeup, and you don't want to be obligated to her because her normal style is like a bully for you. If you can find another girl to pair up with outside of the class, you can then tell her that you had already formed a team with the other girl, so you can't do the makeup with her.

If you don't think you have any other choices for working with a partner, then you'll have to tell her you can't work with her if she acts tough or threatening.

Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Dr. Norman Brown and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well i have not noticed if she feels like she does not have a partner she seems popular with the other girls and tge other girls say they like her but i bet they dont really and are propably afraid of her. I am afraid of her coming out with something threatening yes because before i found out she did not like me i asked to do her makeup which she refused and said she wanted this other girl to do it and because i asked her again she said to me if u dont shut up ill slap u in a minute " this really shocked meand i nearly burst into tears but tried to see it like maybe she was just hving an off day" obviosuly i found out later why she said this. She reallybuts me on edge x

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yes hannah :)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

r u still ther?

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