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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2927
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I am a female 33 years old and have been with my boyfriend

Resolved Question:

I am a female 33 years old and have been with my boyfriend 29 for over 2 and a half years now.
We have been long distance by an hour and a halfs drive. He also has to commute to another town for his job, but lately has been told to look for what city he would like to work in a he is now due a promotion at another store ( he is a store manager.)
We have managed to see each other regulary and spend holidays together and have been abroad a few times. We know each other's friends and family. He does still live at home and even though he traveled when he was younger has yet to leave the nest as it's cheap rent and his mum likes him there.
After 6 months he freaked out and asked for a break, said he didn't know if I was the one ec. After 2 weeks no contact he was sure he wanted to break up so I said ok and we arranged to meet to say our goodbyes ( my idea) he quickly changed his mind and said he still wanted to be with me and he should stop over thinking things.
Now I have a dilemma. We were going to move to a new city and move on together, this has been on the cards a while as he agreed he was ready to live with me.
But now it seems he has done a u turn again.
Telling me over FaceTime that he still isn't sure I'm the one and that living together may not work out and he was scared to hurt me and come up with lots of excuses.
The next day as I couldn't accept it and as he says he felt sick and his head was spinning I I told him to really think about things before throwing us away. And he agreed and said he would and that his head was spinning and that he needs this time to reflect.
It seems we had a great relationship but when things started to get more close distance and committed he had freaked out.
I know he worries about spending money and living with a woman as it's all a big thing for him.
I'm leaving him alone to think but I hate to think we never got the chance to see what it would be like to be close distance as I really think that makes a difference in deciding if your partner is the one or not.
I have also told him this.
Although his friends are saying he should just know by now.
He is a thinker and has trouble with showing emotions sometimes. Never shows weakness where as I am open emotionally.
He has also been the one more in control in the relationship, isn't one to give many compliments but we were always very affectionate and always laughing and never went a day without some form of contact.
Mainly him getting in touch with my as he works more hours so I always let him get intouch first most of the time.
Friends think he could have moved by now or sorted something out to be nearer to me by now.
Is there any hope for our relationship or do you think he is a comitment phobe who just went along for the ride till it got to the living together stage?
We are still a couple on Facebook and I know there isn't anyone else. He has been pressured about moving in with me from his family and me lately. So I'm confussed. Do I let go or hope he will change his mind as he did at the 6 month stage?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
TherapistJen :

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

TherapistJen :

Clearly he is confused and scared...but it really comes down to what you are wanting to do....reassure him that things can go well and make the move? Or just take his head spinning once again as a sign he is not ready.

TherapistJen :

he may do this off and on for your entire relationship and that is why I suggest that you get to decide what feels right for you.

TherapistJen :

Yes he sounds scared of making the big leap.

TherapistJen :

one thing that you must look at...if you move in together and invest in the emotional aspect of it and financial and then he decides he doesn't want it all...how will you be?

TherapistJen :

I would not contact him at this point and let him figure things out on his own and you get to use this time to explore how you feel and decide if he is the right one for you...not just him deciding it all for you.

TherapistJen :

When you come online we can talk further.

Customer: Thank you.
Customer: This is is my feeling too.
TherapistJen :

I know it is hard but you need to care for yourself and what you desire

Customer: i have thought about things and what if be happy with if he was to decide he wants to keep our relationship going and I have always wanted to know what it would be like to live with him before we decide where the future is heading.
TherapistJen :

ok well then the good thing is you have a plan in your mind and at the same time prepared to deal with however it plays out

Customer: I also told him this before I said I would let him have time to think.
Customer: Guess I'm refusing to cut all ties as despite his commitment fears I still love him very much.
TherapistJen :

then that is what you rely on for now...he loves you too...just sounds scared.

Customer: I just hope he works this out for himself.
TherapistJen :

give him the space that you are and it sounds to me like he desires to be with you and the space lets him clear his mind and panic

TherapistJen :

hes young too...men at 29 are not where you are at 33.

TherapistJen :

keep the faith, ok?

Customer: He did also say he was worried his love for me wasn't as strong as mine is for him.
TherapistJen :

I think that is all part of his panic...

Customer: Yes that's what I thought.
TherapistJen :

I think if he has some time, like all the other times he realizes he loves and misses you

Customer: Thsnk you for your advice :)
TherapistJen :

it is my pleasure. come to me anytime. please take a moment to click on the rating tab. I am here if you need me again.

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2927
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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