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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Really confused about what to do in relationship

Customer Question

I'm really confused about my relationship. I have been with a guy for about a year, and I thought we was in love. We spoke about marriage but when it came to it, his Albanian parents (very racist) said they would disown him if he married someone that isn't Albanian, and his parents happiness means everything to him and I'm not sure if he would ever go against them. He says he doesn't know if he would. Our future is very uncertain. Recently I met this other guy, who is 11 years older than me (I am 20, he is 31). I really like him, which is very bad seeing as I am in a relationship, but these things happen right? Anyway, I don't know if to leave my potentially dead end partner and try things with this new guy, or completely cut things off with the new guy and focus on my current relationship. (I don't know how my family, my strict parents especially would take me seeing a 31 year old. Very badly I think! The 31 year old often buys me gifts and stuff but is he just bad news?) when I stop talking to either of them I miss them both equally I think. Apart from the fact that me and my current boyfriend aren't allowed to get married, our relationship had no serious problems apart from that and I was very very happy before this parents issue arose. not sure what is the best thing to do here. Start again or hope he loves me enough in the future :(
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Dear ***** :

Thank you for your question. I want you to sit down with your current boyfriend and discuss if he sees a future in marrying you. If you long term are looking to get married and take that relationship to the next level then you need to know your future. Now his parents said they don't agree with the marriage so I am assuming they also want him dating someone who is Albanian as well. One issue here is the different culture, different beliefs. Love is love and two people who love each other should move forward in a relationship planning their future together. In this situation this is not the case because his parents have certain beliefs he feels he must follow to make his parents happy. But what about him and his happiness.

Dear ***** :

You should never marry someone he does not love or want to be with because his parents want him to marry someone they feel is right.

Dear ***** :

He needs to make this decision to be happy in his life.

Dear ***** :

Why should both of you not be able to get married, you both love each other. This is the decision he has to make and you need to tell him exactly how you feel. If their is no future then he needs to let you go so you can move on.

Dear ***** :

You have someone else you have been seeing and he sounds like he is a very thoughtful person buying gifts. But because of the age you feel their will be a problem with your parents .

Dear ***** :

If you feel their will be a problem then most likely they will.

Dear ***** :

But you are the one that needs to be happy here.

Dear ***** :

It's not about everyone else and the life they want you to have, it is about you having the life you always dreamed off. People fall in love and have amazing lives together. Not everyone is going to accept who you date or who you get married too.

Dear ***** :

But you have to be happy.

Dear ***** :

People do not often understand is why should two people be in a loveless marriage because their parents decided the person they loved wasn't good enough. You want to create a life with someone you truly love and adore with all your heart.

Dear ***** :

You can never live someone else's life because you will feel like you have not control over your own life and that bring unhappiness.

Dear ***** :

You want to set goals, achieve all your dreams and live a wonderful life.

Dear ***** :

Love is something that once you find it you just know, you don't question anything because the person you love that stands in front of you will never have flaws, because they will be perfect in your eyes.

Dear ***** :

Thank you for your question.

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