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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I am in a on and off relationship two yrs now. my

Resolved Question:

Hi
I am in a on and off relationship for about two yrs now.
my boyfriend is 49 never married or in a commited relationship before. He has bpd but i live him very much never felt like this before. He is off sex now and getting distant but he text and call every day.
i dont want to lose him.
please help how do i make him commit.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry what you have been going through. I understand how frustrating this can be when you love someone. He seems to have personal issues that prevents him from being committed. It sounds like you have been doing all of the right things. What is really going to make him commit is when he is truly ready. That is also the best way because you would not want him to commit if he truly was not ready because that can only cause problems later down the road. I believe a good way to go about this would be discuss with him a plan. Maybe taking steps that you both are comfortable with in order to be more committed and ease him into it. Such as first not seeing others (which you both may not be already anyway), next maybe spending the night together more often , and trying to keep the relationship going for an extended period of time. Doing little things to help him feel more comfortable and relieve his fear can help build his confidence to commit. When he passes a certain threshold and gets out of his comfort zone while seeing things are still okay and actually great it may then aliviate his fear and cause him to be ready to commit. He may truly be fearful and it most likely is nothing personal against you at all. Another option would be for him to get some type of counseling for his fear. This issue is holding him back and interfering with his personal life, so this is very serious. Overall, it is up to you how long you want to wait. A good indicator to help you with your decision would be is to see if he is trying to get help or change or if he is just comfortable and happy where he is at. Sometimes people blame a crutch for their actions, but truly have no intention of changing and prefer to just make excuses. Therefore, I would just look out to whether he is truly taking initiative to change or if he is taking no action whatsoever. This will help you see if there is progress and hope as well as see how serious he is about ever being commited.
I wish you the very best and I hope it all works out for you both. Please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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