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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I want to ask a question about my now ex and I and would love

Customer Question

I want to ask a question about my now ex and I and would love to know what you all think.
It was an adoration at first sight for both of us. She referred to me as an "ABSOLUTE HOTTIE" in a message to a friend of hers and I felt the same way.
We were together for 6 months. During this time we spent a lot of time together and had some great times. I became very involved with her family and we had a magical trip to Barcelona.
She would say things like, "I feel as though I've met my soulmate, I want to spend the rest of my life with you", "We'll come back to Barcelona in 10 years times, we'll leave the kids with my sister and come back", "Having an abortion would be much harder knowing that it would be yours" and wrote things in her diary (As reported by a friend of hers) things such as 'Once we go to university, I really want this to work', and 'I can see our lives together, we'll have two dogs named etc.... I just wish that we could have it all now'.
Well we went away to university promising to make it work but within 3 weeks she had shared a bed with another guy, may well have cheated and spent the entire duration of my visit texting him in front of me. When we broke up she seemed unphased but broke down into tears as I left, saying that she didn't want to say goodbye.
Obviously I am a touch confused. The new guy is better looking but not drastically. I find myself wondering whether she meant anything she said, or whether it was a firework kind of relationship?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
I am sorry what happened. She may have very well meant what she said in the moment. The problem is she may have not been ready for a serious commitment. Therefore, even though she felt she meant what she was saying to you it was only on a level that she was able to reach at the time. This level may not have been the same as you. She may have been infatuated with you thinking that she was ready for a serious relationship when in fact she was enjoying the beginning phase. There are many people who have trouble commiting for whatever reason and enjoy the beginning of relationships, but do not last longer than that. I believe this is her issue and I would not take this personal. It has nothing to do with whom is better looking. This is her issue and could have happened regardless of how the other person looked. In addition if she were to cheat due to someone being better looking then it is best to know that asap since that is not someone that would last very long in a committed relationship anyway.
I truly wish you the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I feel fairly certain that she did mean what she said, particularly given the fact that she wrote similar kinds of things in her diary (obviously only intended for herself but reported by a friend).

She has had a number of short term relationships but also had a 2 year relationship before me so she has committed in the past. That relationship was at distance the entire time but only a fraction of the distance we had. She was also still at home whilst the bf was at university so less of a distracting/tempting environment.

I feel from all of the evidence that she must have meant everything she said, wanted things to work at distance but just felt the infatuation rose tint fade and took that as a loss of feelings (having never really experienced the same level of infatuation before). I suppose this exposed the reality of the situation i.e. 3 years at long distance and she just handled things badly.

Would you say that to stop texting me, having sent messages such as "I love you so so so much" and "I think I need you; I miss your mind, body and soul" just days earlier, then sleeping in bed with (or maybe sleeping with) another guy and then ignoring me to text him as though she didn't care was bad behaviour? Immature? Selfish? I wonder whether she was texting him in front of me partly to distract from the situation?

What I am concerned about is that she will have a better relationship with him than with me. Or alternatively that she will look at him and think "well if I can have that, why was I with my ex (me) (from a looks point of view)...

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Yes, I do think her actions was bad behavior. It was selfish, immature, and very disrespectful. I really don't know why she was texting him in front of you. In anycase it was very disrespectful and the wrong thing to do. She had no regard for your feelings. Her words days before do not line up with her actions. She could be trying to find herself as well.
I really don't think you should worry that she will physically look at him and think why was she with you. If that were true then she would be shallow and immature. Also, then her true feelings would be questionable because true love is not just based on the exterior. If as a whole she will have a better relationship with him has nothing to do with you personally.
If it were to actually happen it would not mean that you are any less. Everyone is different and gets along with others differently. It is best not to compare, but rather be confident in who you are and how you look regardless of her or anyone else's actions.

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