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Eveningstargazer
Eveningstargazer, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 155
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
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I had a 5 months affair with a man who leaves with partner

Customer Question

I had a 5 months affair with a man who leaves with partner and child. He was telling me, he is with his partner only because of child, that she has got pregnant intentionally. But he madly loves his son. He posted a lovely bday message on her wall on social network, and I have gone mad. I contacted her, told her everything. I texted him as well, said, you can choose either me or her, in the beginning he was telling me it is not that easy as I think... Later on, he showed her my texts, where I am advising him to leave her and start fresh relationship with me. I was so angry, I told her everything, what I knew about him... After that, he texted me that I mad, and blocked me on all social networks...I think he wants to stay with her...and now is ready to do everything for her because of the child....why he behaves like that? I know he had feelings for me...why is he so scared to leave her and have a fresh start with me...is there is a chance for him to come back to me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 1 year ago.
I can see that his difficulty choosing you over his former partner has been frustrating for you. Typically, when we are frustrated we can act irrationally and ineffectively.
Because of your behaviors, which are understandable, he has decided to push you away because he feels betrayed by you. You broke his trust and he may struggled to feel comfortable with you again.
This does not mean that there is no chance for you in the future. The first step would be to reach out to him in a calm manner and apologize for becoming upset, while still letting him know that you are upset with him for his behaviors.
An open and honest conversation with him about where you thought the relationship was going, why you were upset with him, and also !very important! that you understand why he is upset with you as well, will help him remain calm and explain what is happening for him.
More than likely, he is so completely in love with his child that it he is afraid of distancing from this woman and risking losing privileges to see his child. having an honest conversation about these fears and your support of him through the process will be very important.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your answer...but what do you think how the situation will develop in his home now? I reckon she will keeps reminding him about what he did...what shall I do to win him back, he is a virgo man...how many days shall I wait before contacting him? Is there is anything else I should tell him?
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 1 year ago.
Typically in this situation it is very difficult for the original couple to function properly. She will have to forgive him and this will be very difficult for her.
I would wait about 1 -2 weeks then reach out and be honest with him about what happened, why you were upset, and what your feelings are. Then ask him if he feels that you two really are "done." Be prepared for him to confirm this, but also mention that you still care deeply about him and will continue to be willing to continue the relationship.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Just a very last question- I have already sent him sms, apologising and explaining how I felt....he just answered with ".......". Most likely coz he is scared, that I will pass on it to her...but we were working together, nd now I found another job. So I hope it will be more diff for him to work there without me...I will wait couple of weeks.. Could you please give me advice what shall I tell him, when I approach him? Plus to take into account, that they relationship did not work well even before I appeared in the pic but he madly loves his son...thank you...
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 1 year ago.
When you do approach him, I would first ask him where he is at in terms of his relationship with you. Even if he can't see anything romantic does he still wish to stay in touch or communication. This will help you evaluate if his anger has clouded his feelings.
Once you have an idea of what his intentions are, you can request that the two of you remain friends, so that you can still be with him on some level. If you do this, there is a higher likelihood that when his relationship begins to fail again, you can be there to support him, and eventually rekindle the relationship.
If he fears that his partner will take away his rights to see his son, there may be quite a long wait before he feels comfortable enough to put that relationship in jeopardy again.
Take your time, and when you reach out to him in a few weeks be patient and give him space.
Eveningstargazer, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 155
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
Eveningstargazer and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi! He still answers my texts but mostly "yes". "No" answers. I offered him to meet up, he answered if u want to see me and tell me how bad I am , you know where to find me. He meant his workplace. What shall I do? Shall I go to his workplace and talk to him? I think if he wanted to cut me off, he even would not have talked to me. Am I right? Do I have a chance yo win him back?

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