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therapist325
therapist325, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 98
Experience:  Licensed Professional counselor with specialized training in relationships.
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Infatuation?

Customer Question

My ex, 20, and I were together for 6 months. She told me that she loved me after around 3 months and I felt very strong emotions for her, but could not define them. During this time, particularly towards the end, she started to say very intense things such as "I feel as though I've met my soulmate, I want to spend the rest of my life with you", "If I was to become pregnant I might not have an abortion", "If you move to Australia after university, I will come with you, in all seriousness", "We'll leave our kids with my sister and go on holiday frequently in the future". She would write to her penpal (not knowing that I was aware) things such as "I can see our lives together (before describing our lives), I just wish that we could have it all now" so I know that it wasn't just for my benefit. However, she also told me (whilst drunk) that one half of her felt like I was the love of her life, whilst the other half wondered if there was something "even more" out there.

Anywho, we went away to different universities promising to make it work, only for her to get together with someone else and seemingly forget about me after about 3 weeks. How can one go from SUCH emotional intensity to nothing SO quickly? She had told me in the past that she was afraid she would "mess things up", that she "always self-sabotages" and wished we could have met at a different time in our lives. I believe that I was developing truly loving feelings for her, whereas suspect that she was simply infatuated/in lust.

We were highly attracted to one another to begin with and were intimate quickly and often (to an extent neither of us had really known). Besides this intimacy, there were emotional conversations regarding our emotional issues and family problems but not much common ground in terms of conversation besides.

I keep telling myself that in order for things to have fallen apart so quickly, she must have hugely preferred this other guy... It seemed when we broke up that she had completely forgotten what it was like to be with me - after some time and emotional discussion, she became extremely emotional and said "I don't want to say goodbye, this isn't goodbye, just goodbye for now", so it seemed as though on some level she still cared... Is it possible for some people to just suppress or forget? Or was it an infatuation? Can such a relationship fall apart so quickly when the chemicals involved dissipate?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 1 year ago.
Customer:

Hello-hoping I can help with your question a little. It sounds like you are confused by the intense emotions she presented with that then just seemed to fall off when she met someone else. There is definitely a couple of things that may be going on. It is possible for her to show such intense attachment and then drop it. Some people have what is called "love addiction" which is where they are attached to that strong intense feeling of love, but when that disapates they then move on to find the next person to give that feeling. Kind of like what you mentioned. It is also really interesting that you mentioned she said that she tends to self sabotage. This may be a case of that. She had strong emotions but when she realized how much she cared for you she sabotaged the relationship by finding someone else. When she told you about self sabotage what did she say about her history with it? Did she have any experiences in her past of men disappointing her, abandoning her or hurting her? She may be on a defensive mode which is leaving before someone can hurt her. Did she give any indications of prior hurts with relationships?

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