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therapist325
therapist325, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 100
Experience:  Licensed Professional counselor with specialized training in relationships.
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Madam, I am 70 years old, widowed time,

Resolved Question:

Dear Sir Madam,
I am 70 years old, widowed for some time, and my relationship, which was intimate, after 4 years has been ended by my partner saying in an mail to me that she has found someone with whom has feelings and cannot see me anymore and thanked me for wonderful times etc She mainly said that she hoped I would forgive her for this. I replied to this saying how sad I was it is ended.I have been hurt by this but not admitted this to her,and wonder what I should do about it.
She was honest to say early on that I was not the `one` for her but somehow we carried on perhaps out of being comfortable with the relationship. Given the non commitment basis of this relationship it is perhaps not surprising that it would end and venturing into any relationship carries the risk that if it ends someone will feel hurt.
She offered in her email to meet up and talk about it and I agreed but after 4 weeks I have heard nothing from her. I have not persued this but somehow I would like to meet her to obtain as they say some closure to our good relationship. Maybe she cannot face this prospect. I will not be a nuisance to her about this and don`t want to finalise this relationship on a bad note.
My question is this should I just leave things as they are forever or say in another 2 months send her an email about meeting up? Perhaps I am really wanting to revive this relationship but I will accept that it maybe over for good.
Your sincerely
Donald
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
therapist325 :

Hello-hoping I can help with your question a little. I am sorry to hear that the relationship you had with this woman has ended. I know that it can be painful to have a relationship end, especially when you feel that you wanted it to continue. Even with knowing that she felt that you were "not the one", after 4 years with anyone on any level, especially intimate, it can be a hard adjustment. I think a good approach in this for you would be to accept that the relationship is over, but also it is fair for you to ask to meet with her to gain some closure if you feel that it would be helpful to you. By accepting the closure, grieving the end of the relationship, you then do not set yourself up for thinking that the meeting (if it happens) will change the outcome of the relationship. If you think that you can meet with her and be able to express your feelings, but also know that it may not be returned by her in the same way, then it is fair for you to ask her to meet. I do not think there has to be a timeline of 2 months to wait to ask her, unless this timeline is more for you. It sounded like it has already been 4 weeks since the last contact (if I read that wrong please correct me). I think you could send her an email anytime now and just say that after all the time you have spent together and how much your relationship as well as her have meant to you, you would just like to meet to discuss it so you can gain closure. That way she knows that the meeting is more about closure and not worry about feelings regarding hurting you. After 4 years I am sure she is hurting as well. So maybe the lack of contact is her way of dealing with her own hurt and guilt. What do you think so far?

Customer:

Hello Many thanks for your deatailed response

Customer:

Hello many thanks for your detailed response. It is very helpful for me to hear your advice. I have two daughters but it is more difficult to discuss things of this nature-they are just very annoyed about her actions. I should mention that she held a senior position for many years as a clinical psychologist so she will be well aware of the consequences of ending a relationship and as you say will feel hurt herself. The last time we met was just over 4 weeks ago (a Valentines dinner would you believe!) and she sent her e mail a week later. I don`t feel any resentment or anger towards her after all its best to follow your instincts rather than just` making do`. However I do feel hurt that she must have been seeing the other person for some time whilst seeing me. I have a feeling of being harshly discarded for a `better prospect`. Perhaps it would have been better not to mention another person and just end the relationship on the basis that she didn't have sufficiently strong feelings for me. I hope she will stick to her offer of a meeting since I think this will help both of us find satisfactory closure. Also there is a liklehood that we will encounter each other at commonly used restaurants, bars etc so having a meeting will I think easy the awkwardness etc should that happen. The fact that it is now 3 weeks since I replied accepting a meeting and I have had no response so far does indicate as you say that she too will be feeling hurt. As you say I have to accept that relationship is over and a meeting may never take place. I would like to ask you if I may some specific questions about things I have in mind. eg her birthday is ***** Saturday-do you think it is good idea to send her a birthday card but will this just be an unwelcome reminder of the hurt for her? I have suggested that if she wants to we can remain friends but again that puts pressure on her. If a meeting is arranged I will take your advice and stress that it for us to only seek closure and nothing more. I would also assure her that I would not use such a meeting to be critical, resentful etc.We had wonderful times together and I would like to talk about that and wish her all happiness in the future. I look forward to hearing your good advice on the points that I have raised. Many thanks again for your quick response and your views are very helpful to me. Donald

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