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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 360
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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, I have a partner. We are together half years.

Customer Question

Hello,
I have a partner. We are together for 2and half years. We have a baby currently 8 months old.
The problem I have is that my partner don't have sex with me .... at all!
We haven't had sex since I got pregnant... It's almost 16 months now!
I tried talking but he just admits the problem and that's it...
Otherwise he is caring and very nice to me and the baby.
Shall I leave him?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Customer:

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, a communication specialist and relationship expert. Would you like to chat?

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

yes please

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I don't have a clue what's wrong but it just can't continue this way

Customer:

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm guessing that in the beginning your sex life was pretty active?

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

It was ok

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

We had a bit of arguing in the beginning of our relationship

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but we sorted out everything

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

and since then my partner is really nice

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he hug me, he kisses me all the time

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he tries to be with me and the baby all the time

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

we talk a lot!!! like best friends

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

we share evrything

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but no sex

Customer:

And you say that he admits the problem. Just to clarify, he knows it is a problem--but does he apologize to you? Does he justify it? Does he promise to try? I'm asking these questions to get a better understanding of his mindset about it.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

No.... he admitted that we can't have relationship without sex

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but said no more

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he doesn't think that it is a problem

Customer:

But he still wants the relationship from what you have said.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

yes!

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I have been actually quite rude to him ;ately

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

lately

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I even said couple of times that I am leaving him

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but he acts very nice

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

buy me flowers

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

tries to have the baby more so i can have a resst

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

resy

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

rest

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

hugs me... kisses me

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

bought me couple of nice presents

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

simply ignores my bad behaviour

Customer:

Oh, OK. OK so he is a good man in just about every other way. However, he knows you want sex and he knows he does not want sex. But he does not see it as a problem. Is it that he doesn't WANT it or that he wants it but cannot have/maintain an erection? Those are two very different problems. One is more psychological but the other may indicate a physical/physiological problem.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I beleive he is masturbating from once in a while

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he sleeps in the other room mostly

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

and morning when he wakes up he smells like sperm a lot

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

there are white marks on his underwear as well

Customer:

OK so he still has sex desires? Does he engage in this masturbatory behavior with porn or by his own mind or don't you know? I'm not sure if it makes a difference or not but I'm trying to figure out if he is still stimulated by sex images visually or in his mind. Obviously if he is masturbating, there is a sex drive.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

i am pretty sure he watches porn

Customer:

Did he give you a reason for sleeping in the other room? Are you the one getting up at night if the baby is not sleeping through the night? Is that a reason for sleeping in the other room?

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

yes, baby is reason number one

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

second is that he snores

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

and I just cant have enough sleep with the baby and him

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

sometimes he sleeps in our bed

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but if he starts snoring I ask him to move to the other room

Customer:

I'm asking all of these things because it sounds like he loves and cherishes you but sees you as a mother now and perhaps in his mind this mother image has replaced former perceptions of you as a sex and relationship partner. For a lot of women, this happens (well, sort of). After having a baby, a lot of women lose interest in sex fully or partially. A lot has to do with hormones after pregnancy and of course sleep deprivation and balancing everything. But some of it is that being a mom takes importance over caring for a relationship partner. Society has recognized this for years. But recently research is showing that sometimes men can react similarly. And when you threaten to leave him and are rude to him as you say, he doesn't seem bothered correct?

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

He gets angry of course but that's simply out of the table for him

Customer:

I know you said he doesn't see this absence of sex as a problem. But he obviously knows YOU view it as a problem. So has he offered to talk to a counselor or doctor?

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he even wants another baby..?!?!?

Customer:

Oh wow!

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

yes funny

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

i even said to him' imagine if i tell you i am pregnant' haha

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

no doctors and no counselors

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

just refuses all that

Customer:

He is serious about wanting another child? Do you think he is serious? Yet no experts or doctors or therapists?

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he is serious

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

If I say yes he would probably have sex with me until i get pregnant

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but i am not having another child until i sort out this problem

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I am 34 now and I wont stay in a no-sex relationship

Customer:

I don't want to tell you what to do. But I do think you have thought about things and know that bringing another child into the relationship right now will not help...I just read what you wrote. Yes, I think that is a very wise decision.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

thank you

Customer:

Have you sat down and discussed how YOU feel without accusing him of not wanting sex? And what I mean is, have you let him know that YOU feel a piece of your relationship is missing because the sex used to unite the two of you. And you enjoy and miss the physical closeness that ultimately helped you become emotionally closer? I'm asking HOW you have approached it. How you phrase/say something makes a huge difference. If he for whatever reason(s) can't perform now, maybe not even without porn (and this is more common than you may think), he may react angrily because anger is a "safer" emotion than showing being hurt. Does that make sense? If you can talk about sex in a way that YOU solely own your feelings and do not blame, accuse, or say anything about his part...it may open up a dialogue, or at least may start to.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

well I have been attacking him couple of times but mainly we talk as friends.. I told him that we are young now and now is the time to enjoy our sex life nad we are missoing alot

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

not only me but him as well

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I talk about level of hormones

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I do yoga and i know how sex is good for you

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

so I always tell him those kind of things

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I havnet talk about this for the last month because since 14th february I am actually hurt

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I started thinking that he might have somebody else but there is no sign of another woman

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

plus as I said whatever hes got to do during the day he always rushes to do it and he hurryis to come back and stay with us

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

and he is definitely home by 4 pm and that is always!

Customer:

He may be interpreting even that language as accusatory. And interestingly, you mention hormones. Men can have a chemical or hormonal imbalance. It's a shame that he is willing to miss out on something that is not just "fun" but physically good for you and is stress-relieving and relationship-building. I am glad you mention the benefits you do. But if he sees you as passing judgment about this (even if a lot of the time you are not--his perception may be different), it would really help me if he would talk to someone other than you. That isn't a hit or attack on you at all. But any time our relationship partner is acting in a way we don't like, it's almost always easier for our partner to hear criticism from a neutral party because it does not hurt as much as a partner saying it, if that makes sense.

Customer:

I really think it may be a physical thing and he may feel guilt; to hide that he may tell you it's not a problem. I am not sure I believe that though.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

yes, I completely agree with you

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he will probably talk with his friends

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but thats IF I leave him or something like that

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

he will never go to a doctor

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

especially if I initiate it

Customer:

And unfortunately, statistically speaking, short of a true miracle, he is not likely at all to change. Not without something HUGE/life-shattering happening. Right--like you actually leaving for awhile. That might be enough to get him to a doctor or counselor. But people in general just do not change out of the blue--there is almost always some life-changing event like maybe a serious accident or death of a loved one or an intervention--and for him, an intervention would be seeing a counselor/therapist and/or doctor.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I was thinking the same!

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

I know that I will hurt him a lot if I leave him

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

but that's the only way he will start seeing it as abig problem

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

and probably he will realise that either he will start having sex with me or simply let me go

Customer:

What I can do is just share with you what research shows. And sure a miracle could happen. But there is about a 99% change that he will not change unless something huge happens (like you leaving). And again, I don't ever tell my clients or customers what to do. But I can share what experience and research both have shown. You can choose to give him an ultimatum--it may work but it may not. Have you ever just really searched your heart and asked yourself if you could live with him for the next 50+ years in a sexless or virtually sexless relationship? If you really can't, then that may be your decision.

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

yes thats it

JACUSTOMER-82oae7so- :

thank you

Customer:

In other words, you have to make your decision realistically in terms of thinking he WON'T change to see what you would do. So many times people (women particularly) think they can change their partner. And they almost never do.

DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 360
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hello again!

things turned a bit positive.

he admits he has a problem and now we need to find a way to solve it.

you mentioned therapy... Can you please advise where to find such a therapist and how is it called?

thank you

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
That is very good news indeed! And therapy can actually be that "life-changing event" that will prompt his behavior to change!
A sex therapist is probably the best kind of therapist for him. A good sex therapist will be able to pinpoint if it's more physical or psychological and go from there. If it is a physical thing, the therapist would likely work with a medical doctor unless the therapist is also a medical doctor (some actually are).
I know that finding a good sex therapist is not easy--it's not exactly the thing you share or talk about at the water cooler at work (or in the pew at church!!! ;-) ). But you can look up some local reviews on line. Chances are that the good ones whom people find satisfying are the ones people write good reviews about online.
I hope that helps! I wish you the best! Please let me know if you would ever like to chat again. I'm very happy for this positive change!
Best,
--Dr. Jackie

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