Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, a communication specialist and relationship expert. Would you like to chat?
I don't have a clue what's wrong but it just can't continue this way
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm guessing that in the beginning your sex life was pretty active?
It was ok
We had a bit of arguing in the beginning of our relationship
but we sorted out everything
and since then my partner is really nice
he hug me, he kisses me all the time
he tries to be with me and the baby all the time
we talk a lot!!! like best friends
we share evrything
but no sex
And you say that he admits the problem. Just to clarify, he knows it is a problem--but does he apologize to you? Does he justify it? Does he promise to try? I'm asking these questions to get a better understanding of his mindset about it.
No.... he admitted that we can't have relationship without sex
but said no more
he doesn't think that it is a problem
But he still wants the relationship from what you have said.
I have been actually quite rude to him ;ately
I even said couple of times that I am leaving him
but he acts very nice
buy me flowers
tries to have the baby more so i can have a resst
hugs me... kisses me
bought me couple of nice presents
simply ignores my bad behaviour
Oh, OK. OK so he is a good man in just about every other way. However, he knows you want sex and he knows he does not want sex. But he does not see it as a problem. Is it that he doesn't WANT it or that he wants it but cannot have/maintain an erection? Those are two very different problems. One is more psychological but the other may indicate a physical/physiological problem.
I beleive he is masturbating from once in a while
he sleeps in the other room mostly
and morning when he wakes up he smells like sperm a lot
there are white marks on his underwear as well
OK so he still has sex desires? Does he engage in this masturbatory behavior with porn or by his own mind or don't you know? I'm not sure if it makes a difference or not but I'm trying to figure out if he is still stimulated by sex images visually or in his mind. Obviously if he is masturbating, there is a sex drive.
i am pretty sure he watches porn
Did he give you a reason for sleeping in the other room? Are you the one getting up at night if the baby is not sleeping through the night? Is that a reason for sleeping in the other room?
yes, baby is reason number one
second is that he snores
and I just cant have enough sleep with the baby and him
sometimes he sleeps in our bed
but if he starts snoring I ask him to move to the other room
I'm asking all of these things because it sounds like he loves and cherishes you but sees you as a mother now and perhaps in his mind this mother image has replaced former perceptions of you as a sex and relationship partner. For a lot of women, this happens (well, sort of). After having a baby, a lot of women lose interest in sex fully or partially. A lot has to do with hormones after pregnancy and of course sleep deprivation and balancing everything. But some of it is that being a mom takes importance over caring for a relationship partner. Society has recognized this for years. But recently research is showing that sometimes men can react similarly. And when you threaten to leave him and are rude to him as you say, he doesn't seem bothered correct?
He gets angry of course but that's simply out of the table for him
I know you said he doesn't see this absence of sex as a problem. But he obviously knows YOU view it as a problem. So has he offered to talk to a counselor or doctor?
he even wants another baby..?!?!?
i even said to him' imagine if i tell you i am pregnant' haha
no doctors and no counselors
just refuses all that
He is serious about wanting another child? Do you think he is serious? Yet no experts or doctors or therapists?
he is serious
If I say yes he would probably have sex with me until i get pregnant
but i am not having another child until i sort out this problem
I am 34 now and I wont stay in a no-sex relationship
I don't want to tell you what to do. But I do think you have thought about things and know that bringing another child into the relationship right now will not help...I just read what you wrote. Yes, I think that is a very wise decision.
Have you sat down and discussed how YOU feel without accusing him of not wanting sex? And what I mean is, have you let him know that YOU feel a piece of your relationship is missing because the sex used to unite the two of you. And you enjoy and miss the physical closeness that ultimately helped you become emotionally closer? I'm asking HOW you have approached it. How you phrase/say something makes a huge difference. If he for whatever reason(s) can't perform now, maybe not even without porn (and this is more common than you may think), he may react angrily because anger is a "safer" emotion than showing being hurt. Does that make sense? If you can talk about sex in a way that YOU solely own your feelings and do not blame, accuse, or say anything about his part...it may open up a dialogue, or at least may start to.
well I have been attacking him couple of times but mainly we talk as friends.. I told him that we are young now and now is the time to enjoy our sex life nad we are missoing alot
not only me but him as well
I talk about level of hormones
I do yoga and i know how sex is good for you
so I always tell him those kind of things
I havnet talk about this for the last month because since 14th february I am actually hurt
I started thinking that he might have somebody else but there is no sign of another woman
plus as I said whatever hes got to do during the day he always rushes to do it and he hurryis to come back and stay with us
and he is definitely home by 4 pm and that is always!
He may be interpreting even that language as accusatory. And interestingly, you mention hormones. Men can have a chemical or hormonal imbalance. It's a shame that he is willing to miss out on something that is not just "fun" but physically good for you and is stress-relieving and relationship-building. I am glad you mention the benefits you do. But if he sees you as passing judgment about this (even if a lot of the time you are not--his perception may be different), it would really help me if he would talk to someone other than you. That isn't a hit or attack on you at all. But any time our relationship partner is acting in a way we don't like, it's almost always easier for our partner to hear criticism from a neutral party because it does not hurt as much as a partner saying it, if that makes sense.
I really think it may be a physical thing and he may feel guilt; to hide that he may tell you it's not a problem. I am not sure I believe that though.
yes, I completely agree with you
he will probably talk with his friends
but thats IF I leave him or something like that
he will never go to a doctor
especially if I initiate it
And unfortunately, statistically speaking, short of a true miracle, he is not likely at all to change. Not without something HUGE/life-shattering happening. Right--like you actually leaving for awhile. That might be enough to get him to a doctor or counselor. But people in general just do not change out of the blue--there is almost always some life-changing event like maybe a serious accident or death of a loved one or an intervention--and for him, an intervention would be seeing a counselor/therapist and/or doctor.
I was thinking the same!
I know that I will hurt him a lot if I leave him
but that's the only way he will start seeing it as abig problem
and probably he will realise that either he will start having sex with me or simply let me go
What I can do is just share with you what research shows. And sure a miracle could happen. But there is about a 99% change that he will not change unless something huge happens (like you leaving). And again, I don't ever tell my clients or customers what to do. But I can share what experience and research both have shown. You can choose to give him an ultimatum--it may work but it may not. Have you ever just really searched your heart and asked yourself if you could live with him for the next 50+ years in a sexless or virtually sexless relationship? If you really can't, then that may be your decision.
yes thats it
In other words, you have to make your decision realistically in terms of thinking he WON'T change to see what you would do. So many times people (women particularly) think they can change their partner. And they almost never do.
things turned a bit positive.
he admits he has a problem and now we need to find a way to solve it.
you mentioned therapy... Can you please advise where to find such a therapist and how is it called?