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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1206
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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I had relationship with a man who lives with his partner and

Customer Question

I had relationship with a man who lives with his partner and 2 years old child. We fell in love with each other straight away ( we were work colleagues). He told me he is with his partner only bcoz of their child. He was sharing other aspects of his private life with me. Everything was fine, till on her bday he put her pic as his profile pic on viber and wrote a status " happy bday xx". It triggered me, I have contacted her, I told her everything !!! Including that he is with her only because of the child and that he always had other women on the side. After that he did not want to talk to me...I have texted him etc, he just ignored me, or she was answering my texts ( so he was showing her). One month later, I popped in to his work place, he works in the bar. He was very nice to me, offered a drink, had a chat with me, but did told me he cannot understand why I told everything to her and said it will not happen again( when I tried to kiss him). Then I sent him sms, saying that I am in love with him but I understand his reasons to hate me nd not to be with me, nd that I will not bother him anymore despite how diff it will be for me. He answered' I forgive you'. Is there is a chance to win him back? What shall I do now? Or it is over now?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 2 years ago.
Dr. Norman Brown :

It didn't work out well to break the rules by which your temporary BF runs his life. Since you tolde his partner that he's having other girls besides you, it would seem that you realize your days are numbered with him, if not already over with. Being in love with him doesn't guarantee you anything from him, though it does signal him that he can keep contact with you and try to train you to play at sex and love according to his needs and rules, if he wants to risk your spoiling his home life again. If I were you I'd chalk this up to "live and learn," and start directing your energies toward getting over him. Unless you think there are more good lessons you could learn by trying to hang on and win him back.

Dr. Norman Brown :

But I find it hard to imagine that he'd want to take another chance on you ratting him out to the mother of his child again.

JACUSTOMER-5jfvjhxb- :

I understand that..but now when he started to talk to me, maybe i really have a little chance to return him? Otherwise, he would not have talked to me in front of all his colleagues, who know that he is with her..or he just want to be nice with me and move on?

JACUSTOMER-5jfvjhxb- : ? Is there is no chance at all?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We agreed to meet up with him and talk...any advice how I should behave during this meeting please?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 2 years ago.
Mila, I advise you to think long and hard about how long you want to hang on to a man who's willoing to cheat on his woman and his child, and what will happen to his child if you should "win" him away from the child's mother? -- and how long you can realistically expect that relationship to last? (If you're under 25 you may not care much about future developments, so these considerations may be far from your mind.)
He has all the power to choose what he wants to do, so I advise you to listen carefully to what he wants, and if he DOESN'T want to continue as lovers, (but just as "friends") don't see him anymore--because you'll just get hurt more times.
Dr. Norman Brown and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Can I just ask a last question- from your experience, after a man has been cheating a woman, do such relationship "survive"? Or as time pass, he might start cheating on again?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
And he is not a serial cheater. He really had feelings for me nd our common friends confirm that. But now he is saying he cannot trust me after what I have done. And want to be just friends. Is there is a hope for me? We both are in the mid thirties...
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 2 years ago.
Since you're in love with him, it seems almost inevitable to me that "friends" will become "friends with benefits" because it's what you want, and then you'll have the potential power to trash him to his coparenting partner, and he'll have the power to retaliate by cutting you off permanently, unless you continue giving "benefits" without ratting him out. Of course he's going to continue cheating, because he can get away with it until his cheating-bodybuddy gets so hurt she retaliates by ratting on him, and he dumps her to fix up problems with his coparent, who might depend on him for money as well as coparenting.
"It's so easy to fall in love," but that's not enough for a good relationship. An ethical and durable relationship is not so easy, especially when both of you are willing to engage in cheating to get the feelings you want to have. When you begin a relationship with very shady intentions, it takes quite a bit of changing the circumstances to start over in a way that will lead to a healthy and self-enhancing love.