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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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, I wrote to you chaps the other night and got a satisfactory

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Hi,
I wrote to you chaps the other night and got a satisfactory answer thank you, ***** ***** have changed again since then...
I have really liked a man for a year and he has been aware of it. He is a 59 year old (to be 60 in October) widowed man who is very short in height and I am a 37 year old single vivacious woman. But I do adore him.
We have always got on well and we always enjoyed a flirtatious fun relationship, with more recently him indicating that he liked me too.
On Friday night we went to a works function and I arranged it so we sat together and to cut a long story short, we ended up going to a club together afterwards and stayed in the corner kissing til 4am. (We weren't drunk)
It was a beautiful occasion. We got on so well - chatting and making out and I got the impression he liked me a lot.
We got a taxi to our respective houses and the second he got back, he texted me and we stayed up texting until nearly 7am!! It was sexy stuff, but nice - not over the top.
The following day he sent me a couple of texts but they were a bit cooler.
On the Sunday he sent a text saying he was still recovering from the very late night.
I sent him a text saying that I couldn't believe that it had only technically been the previous day that we had been in that beautiful dream and that I was still floating... and he didn't reply at all :-(.
And it's now Tuesday night and he still hasn't replied. I have sent him a little jokey thing in the post which I hope he will get tomorrow, but I really don't want to send another text as I'd look desperate.
I know he was hurt when he was married, but I am not out to hurt him and in actual fact he is hurting me a bit now as I am totally disappointed and really can't settle about it.
It's horrible actually because I keep getting waves of memories about our lovely night which I should be elated about, but they are tinged with this fear that something is wrong, it may never happen again etc etc.
I normally live life to the full and I think that's why he was attracted to me, but I feel quite down. How ironic.
Many thanks
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are making all the right moves; they should be working. But they're not. And you're at a loss for why he is not responding. It is indeed very hurtful. We therefore have to address openly the possibilities as to why he might be behaving in this manner; most of them, from my experience, would have to do with him and not with you.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. The "elephant in the room" perhaps is that there is a 22+ year difference between you two. It is very flattering, perhaps, for him to have your attention. But he may very well be feeling awkward knowing that when you are 55 years old and still relatively young, he will be 77. That is a whole different part of life each of you would be in. Now, you may retort that you're not thinking that far down the road. But you mentioned that he was hurt when married, so he may be someone who thinks in long-term ways.

This, though, is just the first, one of a number of possibilities of why he may be standoffish at this point. That first reason is very sweet, but it may be a true calculation on his part. There's another reason as well: he may have some dysfunction sexually that he is embarrassed about. I know that this sounds far-fetched but it is not. Many men who take it only so far have something, whether real or imagined, that makes them feel unable to go farther. He is at an age where that becomes more of a possibility.

And there are other possibilities as well; you've thought of his past hurt and that he may be retreating. That is indeed possible. So you see, there are a number of reasons; we don't know why; but we do know that more than likely, it is not because of you.

You can only move forward if you find out more information. You are feeling unhappy and unsettled because you are trying to get clarity without information. It's not possible to do so. We now come to the tough part: you have to take a deep breath and plunge into an honest discussion:

You don't want to come off as desperate; I understand. However, you don't need to feel that way. A text or letter stating that you are a bit confused by his actions, or rather lack of action, is appropriate. Restating your having had an enjoyable time and wanting to see more of him is also appropriate. Asking him if there is something preventing this from happening either because of you or because of himself is also appropriate.


Again, I wish there as a way to do this in an easier way requiring less bravery. There just hasn't been a way created since the dawn of uncertainty. The other way just drags things on and on. So, there it is. That is the best and most open honest answer I can give you. You deserve it and I wish you the very best!


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me. If the answer has been helpful, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button so that I am credited for the answer. Bonuses are always appreciated! If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Hi. I'm checking in to see if the reply was helpful or if you need more follow up. I would be very interested in hearing back from you on whether you thought my response was helpful or if we need to continue with further discussion. My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons.

Thanks,

Dr. Mark

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