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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I am a married woman who met another men and we were seeing

Resolved Question:

I am a married woman who met another men and we were seeing each other,we were quite close.The other man lost his partner last august to cancer he is still grieving for his ex partner. I left my husband for a week and went to stay with a friend but I think he thought I would go and stay with him when I was at my friends he stopped contact with me. I am deeply in love with this other guy and can't stop thinking of him I am going to move out of my home that I have with my husband and daughter and move into a rented property. I am hoping that he will get back in touch with me I have wondered if he was making sure that I was sure because he don't want me to walk away from everything then regret it he only lives in a flat and not got much money but that does not bother me I really love this man I would really appreciate any advice you could give me please
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi there,

It sounds like you have been through a lot in the last few months. And you do have a lot to think about.

I am sure you have heard about the "rebound relationship," which is typically the relationship that occurs after a tragic break-up or like in this care, the death of a relationship partner. Please do understand I'm not trying to label what you had as a "rebound relationship." It's just a term. However, having said that, this COULD be true for the man with whom you are in love. Of course it's not for you--you even have been thinking about getting a rented home, moving away from your husband and daughter. So I know you have strong feelings. I just want you to be sure that he is as committed to you as much as you seem to be committed to him.

It sounds like your beloved his very wise. I think he put a block on you through CMC (computer-mediated communication) in order to make you stop and really think what you would be giving up if you were to create a life with this man. He sounds very sincere and selfless.

I would like to ask you a few questions to help me better understand the entire picture. The more I understand, the better I can help you. Does your husband know about the affair? How old is your daugher? Does she know? If she is till rather young (not close to graduating from high school), will you still have partial custody and be in here life? Last but not least, do you love your husband?

Again, I ask these things in order to better provide a recommendation. Thank you again in advance for responding.

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yes my husband does know also my daughter she is 15 but although it is very hard she will stay here cos she is settled but come and stay with me sometimes. The question that I am really looking to be answered do you think he is not interested in me anymore or do you think he didn't want to carry things on to give me space to think what I really want. And if when I am in my house he might get in touch with me again. Before. I went to stay with my friend he did talk about us getting together but then I told him I was feeling very mixed up cos I was at the time but while I have had no contact with this person I miss him so much and this tells me to move out is the right thing to do and I can't feel the same about my husband any more

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Incomplete answer
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I'm unclear--do you want me to opt out and get another answer? The reason I sent you a repy as "NEED INFO" and not "ANSWER" is because sometimes we experts don't get all the information we need from one post to give you the best recommendation. Also, we can't always help someone the second they write back if someone else has contacted us. So please let me know if you want me to opt out or if you want me to answer and I'll be happy to do so.

Thank you,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yes I would like you to carry on please

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi Julie,

Thank you for writing back. And again, thanks for answering my questions. The question that I think is most important since your daugher is old enough to understand is that you don't have feelings for your husband any more--at least not romantic feelings. I also want you to be sure before you move out that regarless of what this other man does/does not do, you do not want to be in your marriage anymore. The decision to leave really shouldn't involve this other man--exactly what I believe he was trying to convey to you and for the same reasons--he does not want you to regret or feel guilty in case things do not work out with him.

So as long as you are OK with not going back to your husband regardless of what happens in the future (No one really knows what will happen tomorrow or the next day), then do that for you and for your own well-being and peace of mind. And I really do think this guy sounds like a real-stand-up kind of man. I think he wanted to step back and let you sort things out so that you could be sure of what you wanted without his presence affecting your decision. Does that make sense? Again, I can't promise what will happen tomorrow. But it does sound like this man is a good guy and was trying to give you space.

Why don't you go ahead with the move (again, if you are sure that is what you want) and do the grieving for your marriage--at one point I'm sure you cared very deeply for your husband, and THEN go ahead and contact this other man.

Everyone needs space to think things out. And I think once you are in your new home and do not have daily contact with either man, you will make a much better decision on what is right for you.

Please let me know if that makes sense!

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

What makes it worse for me I work with this man and I see him quite a lot at work and at the moment I feel awkward around him cos I have been doing some chasing after him.I was and still am missing him so much that I have really tried to get him to talk to me again and now I feel awkward around him. I know he is still grieving he sent me a text saying he had a few issues that only time would evolve and not to take it personal and maybe we could get by this. But my fear now might be that I have blown any chances I had with him cos of the chasing I have done.why do you think he has stopped all contact with me?

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
Of course my response is conjecture since I have not talked with this man. But from what you have shared, it does seem like he is truly trying to work through his grief from losing his partner. It has only been about 7-8 months. For some people it takes a year or so. I really don't think chasing him has any bearing on his not contacting you. Again, from what you have said, he seems very wise in that he knows he needs to get through his grief in order to be able to have a loving relationship (such as with you), and he also knows that you need to grieve too if you are going to divorce. Even if you don't sense it yet, he is wise enough, I believe, to know that at some point it will hit you. And the "no contact" thing is likely his way to be sure both of you are healed down the line in order to have a future together. If you tried right now to have a relationship, it wouldn't work. Both of you have to heal before you can be good for anyone else.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

The information you are giving me is really helping me thankyouit has been an absolute nightmare not having anyone to talk to about any of this. I have had to keep it all to myself which has been really hard. How will I know if he is still interested in me and do you think he will try to make contact with me when he is ready. The thing I can't understand though is why when I left did he think I was going to go to him and why did he talk about us getting together before.

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

My answer to these questions is that he probably is very confused, too. On one hand he is definitely attracted to you. On the other hand, particularly if he was raised in a religious or at least moral home, he may feel guilty for "betraying his dead wife" by wanting to be with someone else. In fact, he probably has a lot of inner conflict, especially if he took care of this woman until she passed away. That has to be extremely hard on him.

If he has not blocked your texting, I don't think it would hurt to shoot him a text saying that you are moving out and that you are healing and that it would be be nice in a few weeks or month (or whatever time you think is appropriate) to go grab some coffee or lunch (less pressure than a dinner date). Of since you see him at work, just say this to him. You don't have to drag it out or apologize or anything--just a sentence or two. I think this would ease his mind too knowing that you want to be healthy for YOU before you move on to a relationship. :-)

If I didn't send you my contact information, I will. It includes my phone and SKYPE contact info if you ever wan to talk through one of these means. I'm sure phone is long distance, but I don't think SKYPE is. I'm not sure about your country. But I'll send them anyway just so you have the info.

Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing in getting healty for YOU so that you can be that good mom and good worker and good everything. :-)

DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You are right he was brought up religious he is a catholic and yes he did care for his ex partner before she died. Also I haven't told you before his ex partner he was married with 2 children,his wife met someone else and he had his own house and business that he lost due to the break up so he has had a really tough life. Do you think in the future I would have any chance with him.

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
Wow! He certainly has been through an awful lot relationship-wise. And yes, I do think you have a chance. The best way to have a chance is for him to recover from his loss and allow his heart to heal. When we lose someone we love and care for deeply, we never really "get over it," but we can learn to live daily and work through it and love again. And so if he has some time to himself, maybe he is willing to talk to a therapist or counselor, who can help him find inner peace. Meanwhile you have to deal with your losses too. Even though you may not be in love with your husband anymore, I'm sure you still care about him. You share a daughter. So you, too, need some time to yourself to move and learn to move on. In a few months or so, I think you and your wise man will be able to start out again, this time with both of you being able to put the past in the past, remember it, but still move on. :-)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Just one more thing and thank you so much for talking with me you have put my mind at ease a little.what I keep asking myself is why did he think I would go to him when I moved out instead of my friends and why before was he talking to me about us being together then when I went to my friends he said to me you won't stay there very long then you will go back home and I will be left on my own again .The only reason I left my friend ius because she said she was used to being on her own and that she was sorry but asked me to leave otherwise I would have stayed there longer

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