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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 362
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I know the answer to this question is obviously not good, but

Resolved Question:

I know the answer to this question is obviously not good, but because I can't comprehend why anyone would behave this way I just wanted some ideas of the various possibilities of why someone would behave so strangely and what their motivation was.
18 months ago my fiance left me without any warning or explanation so being treated so confusingly again with the first relationship I have had since is very difficult.
The details are:
- Me 36, him 40
- Dating for 3 months or so but he works overseas often (as do I) so a lot of our relationship was over facetime, text etc. The dates in person were wonderful.
- We were dating exclusively, all going good, felt like a very strong connection with long term possibility we'd already both discussed and he said he felt what we had was perfect etc.
- Had a date on Friday night, I was away for a long weekend with friends, so he asked for a date the day I got back. Called when he got home to say he missed me already and all that. Sam the next morning. Could not stop thinking about me...all that romantic stuff.
- Definitely not secretly married, I have met his friends etc.
Then very strangely got a text in the middle of the night of Saturday night (he was out at a nightclub) to say he had left Facebook and wanted me to know. I thought the timing at 1am on a Sat night was a completely bizarre time of day to make this decision so checked on a friends phone and he had blocked me, not left Facebook.
Any ideas on the various (and obviously all bad) possibilities of why a person would act that way. I did text him to ask on Saturday and three days have gone by with no response. It seems he just intends to never explain or see or speak to me again. I just want some ideas of why.
I realise some men dump women by blocking them and disappearing, but I was confused over if that was the case, why he would do it in the middle of the night on a Saturday when he was out at a nightclub (strange timing!) and why he would send a text to tell me not to worry as surely he would want to block my number for texts too?
Very upset over why someone I was so close to did not explain why or what was going on and why he will not talk to me now and explain either.
Obviously really hurt and completely shocked.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. And I'm so sorry you are going through this.

As you know because you already stated this, the possibilities are probably

not positive. The first possibility as you already alluded to is that he for whatever reason (too close and got scared, too close and got confused, too afraid of hurting you and so he lied) decided he wanted to end the relationship. Instead of being a decent person by telling you in person, he took the cowardly way out.

Secondly, he may have run into an old flame at the night club who made him feel confused, perhaps at least about getting so serious so quickly. So with or without alcohol and the presence perhaps of an old friend or flame, he decided impulsively to end it.

Thirdly, and piggybacking on the previous paragraph, and I'm hoping this is not the case, but if he DID meet someone whom he used to see, he got the cold feet regarding your growing relationship and wanted to seize the moment with this former dating partner so he had to break it off with you so as to avoid guilt if he did have a physical relationship that very night. Again, I hope this was not the case since people usually break up for a reason; it would be shame if he gave up a promising relationship for a one-night stand...whether it was with someone he used to date or someone he met for the first time who came on to him and he was extremely attracted to her. I guess the possibility of having a one-night stand with someone knew would be yet a fourth possibility.

I was also just thinking that he may have blocked your texts also right after he sent you a text. I've seen that happen with clients already. And at least with my clients, it's the man who is too cowardly to break up face-to-face so the man has done it via Facebook and via texts.

Here's a fifth possiblity that I am unsure if you have considered or not.

I know you said you were dating for 3 months and that you were exclusive. I believe you that you were exclusive. However, since you travel a lot and since he allegedly also travels, can you really be sure you were exclusive? I'm not suggesting he is married. But he could be a player. I'm sure you know that "40" seems to be the magic number that people (and more often men) tend to have or start to have that mid-life crisis. So while he has been TELLING you he's only "seeing" you, you really can't be sure that during you times away that he was not also seeing one other woman or even more than one. And as unbelievable as it may sound, some men whom I liken to sociopaths who are extremely good deceivers, he may have said all the right things and behaved all the right ways--all the while he was juggling 2 or 3 or God help him even more women simultaneously.

One last possibility kind of hinges on the first possibility I mentioned--maybe he cannot move forward from a previous relationship. Maybe he thought he could and has been trying to but has been in turmoil missing her so much. Maybe at the night club he was talking to a good friend and pouring out his heart and didn't want to lead you on any longer, which could account for such an "out-of-the-blue" and late-night text.

What do you think? Do any of these things fit? Do you want to chat? I'll send you my contact info (phone and SKYPE--I do not think there are international charges for SKYPE but I'm not positive) just in case.

Please let me know. I'm on and off tonight (I'm East Coast Time in the U.S.--it's going on 6 p.m.) but will try to respond as soon as I can.

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks Dr Jackie.

I suppose the part that confused me most was that if any of these possibilities were the case, it would be logical he would block me yes...but then I would have expected him to just disappear.

Strange to text me to tell me he'd left Facebook (he has still not blocked me on anything else) which indicated he didn't want me to actually know he had blocked me. He was trying to get away with it, for whatever reason.

This is the part I don't understand really. Maybe alcohol plays a part in it being so strange.

I do think most likely there was someone else involved...maybe someone who has been involved for a while...I just find it all very strange!

He was the one in the relationship who was more interested than me...he was the one pushing to see me more, plan to the future. Confusing!!!!

Thank you for your help though :)

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.

Hi again Sara,

I must have read the post incorrectly--sorry for that. I know he had blocked you on FB but I was thinking that perhaps he had blocked you on the phone too, and THAT was the reason he didn't write you back. I don't know if it's different in the UK but here, at least on many smart phones, we don't always know we have been blocked. So I guess I was answering that based on my own limited experiences.

But I do think like you think also that there is someone else, and most likely someone from the past. And it could be that he really has been sincere in his feelings for you...but at the same time he kept a torch burning for someone else whom maybe he ran into that night. I have witnessed clients testifying to loving two different individuals--being in love with both of them--at the same time.

Alcohol is never a great combination when trying to solve or figure out issues. :-( It can so easily confuse things even more.

I am very sorry you are going through this. Since you say he has not blocked you on other things (I'm guessing other social media?), how would you feel about inviting him for coffee or lunch (a lot less pressure than a dinner or evening meeting) just to talk. If you would feel better talking to him in person in order to try to get closure, then why not reach out again and just ask him to lunch or coffee. If you think this would hurt more than help, then of course, do what is best for you because it appears that he didn't seem to consider YOUR feelings. You need to take care of YOU.

I hope that helps a little bit more...I'll try to be available for the next 4 or 5 hours on and off.

Best,

--Dr. Jackie

DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 362
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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