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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2909
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I am struggling here with a very confusing situation

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Hello. I am struggling here with a very confusing situation with a man. I am not asking if I should speak to him or not (I never will again) but only asking for advice from someone professional over why someone would behave in such a strange way because it has left me feeling very sad and confused and distressed.
We met online in January. We chatted for a few weeks and arranged a date. He works offshore on an oil rig, so he got sent away before the date for two months. So we talked for two months via telephone, email, Whatsapp, Skype etc. and became close.
After two months he came home and phoned me to say he could not wait to see me, and we made a date for the Saturday night. He then said he wanted to come before that just to "say hello", but then he cancelled at the last minute. This made me feel rejected, so I cancelled our date for the Saturday.
After a week, he contacted me again, said he wanted a fresh start but he was going away again. Could we please go back to the way things were and see each other when he was back. I said ok and then we went back to messaging every day he was away.
He went away for two weeks this time, but strangely did not call me when he was back. He never called at all, so in the end I called him and said "I know you're back, do you want this date?" and he said yes and we wnt out that night. It was all great, we spent hours kissing, he did not want to leave and he asked me out again for a few days later.
The next day he messaged me to say he had an amazing time, I was much more beautiful in person and he could not stop thinking about me. We made plans for the details of our next date and he could "not wait".
The next day he blocked me on Facebook. I have NO IDEA why, but he lied about it and said he had deleted his account. I figured "he must be seeing someone else or be crazy in some way", so I ignored him but was very upset.
A few days pass and he contacts me and says he wants to see me again and he likes me very much, he says he was badly hurt in his last relationship and he pushes people away when he likes them. He says he likes me much more than he knows how to show and he asks for another date.
I am a sucker, and I say yes. He says he has a busy work week, but when the week is over we will "make that date". So the week passes, and he texts me all week, for hours every day actually. Then I contact him today and ask "so when's the date?" and he says he is going away again on Friday so he'll see me when he gets back.
Now I just really don;t understand all of this. If he doesn't like me, why does he keep chasing me? Why does he devote so much time to me, but not follow through on actually spending time with me in person?
I know he's not married or in a serious relationship because we were Facebook friends for months and I have chatted with some of his friends. If he has met someone else, this is recent and can only have happened since he blocked me (still no explanation for that) a couple of weeks ago and he has been on an oil rig so I am not sure HOW he met someone else.
I just don't understand :( I just came a year and a half ago from a relationship where my fiance cheated on me and this was the first time I "let someone in" and it was very hard for me to trust. I feel so used and confused...he is obviously playing me, but at the same he is a perfect gentleman, never asks for rude photos or anything, and when he went on a date with me he did not try anything...he was only very affectionate, holding my hand, gazing into my eyes and smiling and kissing my forehead. I feel just very confused... ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

It sounds to me just like he explained it...I think he has very strong feelings for you and those feelings might overwhelm him a bit and may even be too hard on him when he is away for work.

So although he may enjoy your company and truly desire to see you and spend time, when it comes down to it he can't pull the trigger as he gets scared and needs to flee. He may do this because he doesn't want to have the pain of missing you when he is away, even though you remain in touch in the way that you have. Some men also know deep inside what they are capable of in a relationship and he may have these great feelings for you, but not have a desire to have it be more than that and you are that for him...something deeper and more powerful so it is easy to run away from it.

I hear that you ahve been hurt and clearly he hurts too from his own past, but you may want to put it all out there and ask him what he truly wants so that at least you are both clear and can go from there. If you don't want that conversation and want to just leave it as it is now, that's okay too, but try not to personalize his behavior. Sounds scared of the deep feelings he has.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2909
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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