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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I chucked my boyfriend out who lived with me months as

Resolved Question:

I chucked my boyfriend out who lived with me for 8 months as he never came home after taking his eldest son out but said he would be bk early but he stayed out and never contacted me said he stayed at a mates had a few drinks and had to stay there and his phone died but he has lied a couple of times before gone out said won't be long but stayed out. Anyway I flipped chucked him out I did phone him next day said he was busy I have sent a few tex only arguing a bit really then I got a note on my car thought it was him texted him again saying thanks he said not me next day he said just coz I'm not there doesn't mean I don't care about you and when I find out who sent note I'll sort them I said no the note was a nice note he said that's ok then so I said ye got another 1but only got 1 really anyway no reply so that night I said thanks for caring for me still I still care about you sorry it ended this way but then I put although I wish it hadn't x he never replied next day he see my teenage daughter she stopped and spoke to him she told him I was upset he said I do still love your mum and then said freedom tho my daughter notice his wing mirrors both broke and said what you done he said I took it out on them... I don't no what to do I'v not texted him now for 2 days I'm thinking he may need space or when he said freedom he means he wants freedom he also said it's all the questions where are you but I'v only done this when he said he coming bk and hasn't a couple times as was worried which is what my daughter said and he said yer I'm so sad we was so I'm love

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I see you send another message with question marks. I assume because you saw that I was reading your question but was not replying. Other experts had read your question before I logged on and did not answer. I think I know why: because there is no easy answer to give you. You are in love with him, that's true. But he is not in love with you in the same way. He is more selfish and reserves the right for himself to hurt you when it suits him. But you want him back with the hope that somehow you won't face this same issue again. But you've already had this happen more than once, so how can we honestly tell you what you also know deep inside: that he will most likely keep doing it if you take him back because he likes it and why not? So, you see, there is no happy answer here for you with him. I wish there was.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. I don't know that you want your daughter to see you continue to keep a man who treats you this way. I know you want him back and it hurts. But the hurt will get less and less if you start to go out and make yourself look nice to go out and find a good man. So my answer is going to focus on the goals, strategies, and plans you need to work on in this area.


Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy". You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.


That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.


Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.


Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.


These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life. Again, I know you want him back because you are so lonely and feel like he's it. But he has not shown himself to be someone who can make you happy or is interested in being a considerate person.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

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