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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I am in a mess and need some help please. I am 45 met a
Hi, i am in a mess and need some help please. I am 45 met a girl as a freind 5 years ago who has a terminally ill child. We became intimate about a year ago but both of us push away whilst the other went forward. Me because of a very painful divorce 15 years ago she because she felt rejected..so it became a revolving wheel.
She told me she had thought about marrying me 6 months ago and i had similar thoughts but didnt express them properly. She then told me she would go dating and i stupidly said that it was her life. She has now met someone and has been seeing him for about 3 months now.
During this time there has been lots of mixed signals. She has told me i am her soul mate and that she will not let me leave her life. We have just stood there and had our foreheads against each other, stroked each others faces etc.. she has admitted she is trying to bury her feelings for me, has told her mum she is still attraxcted to me and loves me to bits. She has also told people that i am the most important mand in her life and has even told her new man that she will not lose me as her closest freind.
We have both said we have a special connection as have other people and we are very physically compatible...
the new guy cant walk more than 20 yards, is being evicted, has no money and she has even descirbed him as `lazy` to a freind, but i do know they get on well. She is very into sport and he does not do any, whereas she still wanst to do all kinds of things with me like bike rides, runs etc.
She has admitted that she almost wants her cake and eat it.
Her life is very very hard cariing for her dying son , this has been going on for 5 years and she is depressed and exhausted. I can say with absloute certainty that we are 2 very close people and we love spending time together. She also seems to melt in my arms when i see her and get close enought to put my hands on her.
No-one thinks the thing with other guy will last for various reasons. But she just keeps saying she is confused. When she was challenged by her best freind to say that she `never wanted a relationship` with me in the future she replied she could not say that as she did not know.
I was worried she might forget me but when this was put to her by her best mateshe was very adamant to say `never`.
I have been her support and best freind fort he last 3-4 years through her darkest days, potential suicicide and everything that comes through having a dying child.....we adore each other, and hare shared so much...but i lost it last week...it became too much knowing she was seeing someone else. I just sobbed and sobbed in front of her and she saw the `strong man` she had know crumble...
We are now having time out..but she has already said to her best freind that she misses me (it took 7 days)... she has said that "life is not great without seeing me".
Its tragic... amazing connection , shared so much pain together, always loved spending time together.... its so wrong. I held back out of fear of getting hurt and pushed her away , she feels rejected pushes back etc for the last year this has gone on... and its only now that she has broken away that all my true emotions have come tumbling out and i am completey devastated.... i cant be her best freind and pretend how i feel, not now i have after 15 years dropped my guard... i am scared, ... i think this new guy is a kind of distraction. Recently she was low and it was me she turned to... how the hell do i make it happen. Her best freind tells me she is scared at the strength of my emotions.. she knew i loved her but never realised i wanted to marry her and spend my life with her.
Her freind says that she is in shock and completely confused... that she thought i had rejected her. Its a mess.. both of us have said as such... even in recent weeks she has talked about how fast she knows our relationship would develop if we got together.
I am not a total wally and as soon as i get behind sheild she now has.. its obvious she loves me. She just keeps saying that if we had a `proper relationship` and it went wrong it would ruin our freindship and that this is the most important thing in the world to her. It is very special... i have never experienced any 2 people this close before. Its such a mess.. all mixed up with her dying child, my support, new bloke, fear of committment etc...its just wrong .... she desperatley wants to keep me in her life as her best freind....
I want to end up marrying her...she called me her `soul mate` only a few weeks ago... afetrshe started seeing this other guy and distancing herself from me...she still says the same... i am confused, hurt and very very low... help please
2 years ago.
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replied 2 years ago.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
Thank you for giving me such a thorough history. I am so sorry to hear of all the pain that you both are going through. Clearly the love is there and clearly the timing is not right to push forward to be more than best friends. I don't think it will always need to be that way, but it sounds to me that since you represent everything she wants and is so scared by it, that she won't be able to add that to her very full plate.
I think things could be different and maybe even sooner than you think. This other man is safe....safe from hurting her because she is not invested.
I know you don't want to be her best friend and you want more...the way to get there is to be her everything...be that best friend she needs...let her see she can rely on you and you are not going anywhere. As she deals with her son and her life it sounds like it will be you that she needs and wants. Can you wait this out even more and just be the steady loving man that you are? It is okay to have shown your emotions...that makes you real. Don't rush this...the circumstances won't allow it.
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