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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2813
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I have been having problems within my relationship which I

Customer Question

I have been having problems within my relationship which I cant seem to resolve.
My partner has a lack of trust for me, my actions towards her are wholly commited. There has been no reason to give her any doubts about other people, in terms of her doubts about long term commitment, she is fearful since we had a break up around a year ago when I moved out her house in order to establish a healthier stage in our relationship.
I felt when we fought, she was very quick to throw me out her house.
I didn't think that was right.
I moved back to my own house and I told her my plans for the future were to be married, settle down, have a place of our own and be together. I was planning on proposing to her shortly before she decided to end things. She knows this.
One year on.
We are no further forward, I seem to be unable to break the cycle of her pushing and pulling me in and out her life while all the while she is giving no guarantees of her commitments to me as she doubts my commitments to her.
To me it has led me to question my trust in her, she seems to display character traits of narcissism, borderline and histrionic personality. Again I don't know if that is true, I am starting to doubt my own mind when it comes to the issues surrounding her and that is where I would like to get some clarity.
Many thanks
Derek
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Hi Derek. You sound like a very bright, articulate and loving man. While I can't know one way or the other about fully what goes on for her, it does sound like she has some difficulties in her interpersonal relationships. Her lack of trust exists and gets played out with you and whenever she feels scared, she throws you out in order to protect herself from pain. These traits are very hard for you to deal with and very hard for her to deal with on her own. Has she had any counseling? This would be the most beneficial but the problem is that people with these kinds of traits are very hard to get into treatment and even harder to stay in treatment....similar to when things get tough she throws you out.

So, the question becomes whether this is something you can deal with long term if she doesn't seek help or if she is getting help and no changes take place. This chaos will most likely be how she handles things in stressful times. And you have tried so hard, running ragged to prove loyalty and love but to no avail...so it really must come from her and if it doesn't and she cannot move toward working on herself, where does that leave you? do you desire to stay in continue to work on it and live on the roller coaster or do you feel that this is not something you can do long term? It can be very challenging to live as you have and I hear your empathy and love for her and that is a beautiful thing...she is suffering from past hurts and family dynamics and she has learned to cope in this way...most likely these hurts have nothing to do with you..but they get played out with you because you are the closest to her. I can see how you can doubt yourself, but I don't see anything in what you wrote that would give me concern about your honesty and loyalty and ways of being and desire to work on things.

I am here if you need to talk further.

Jen

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