Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.Hi Derek. You sound like a very bright, articulate and loving man. While I can't know one way or the other about fully what goes on for her, it does sound like she has some difficulties in her interpersonal relationships. Her lack of trust exists and gets played out with you and whenever she feels scared, she throws you out in order to protect herself from pain. These traits are very hard for you to deal with and very hard for her to deal with on her own. Has she had any counseling? This would be the most beneficial but the problem is that people with these kinds of traits are very hard to get into treatment and even harder to stay in treatment....similar to when things get tough she throws you out.So, the question becomes whether this is something you can deal with long term if she doesn't seek help or if she is getting help and no changes take place. This chaos will most likely be how she handles things in stressful times. And you have tried so hard, running ragged to prove loyalty and love but to no avail...so it really must come from her and if it doesn't and she cannot move toward working on herself, where does that leave you? do you desire to stay in continue to work on it and live on the roller coaster or do you feel that this is not something you can do long term? It can be very challenging to live as you have and I hear your empathy and love for her and that is a beautiful thing...she is suffering from past hurts and family dynamics and she has learned to cope in this way...most likely these hurts have nothing to do with you..but they get played out with you because you are the closest to her. I can see how you can doubt yourself, but I don't see anything in what you wrote that would give me concern about your honesty and loyalty and ways of being and desire to work on things.
I am here if you need to talk further.