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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3138
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I was in a brief, but quite intense relationship with

Resolved Question:

Hi
I was in a brief, but quite intense relationship with a man who has commitment and trust issues.
I didn't know anything about these issues at first, he presented himself as very "together" and stable but after a while his behavior was a bit off. Hot and cold, push and pull.
We ended up getting close online and started to date in person. During the dates, things were wonderful. Complete chemistry and sitting up all nigh talking and sharing things. What he would do though was have one great date, and then pull away / do something to push me away immediately after. He'd not overtly say it, but he has admitted he was testing my limits. If I tried to back away, he would pull me back.
I was left confused after this happening a few times, and ended the relationship because I felt like he was playing games with me and did not like me enough.
He is a very stubborn and proud man who is the type to walk away without ever looking back so I never expected to hear from him again, but two weeks after I ended it, he got drunk one night and texted me to say he missed me, wanted to be with me, had been too frightened and proud to contact me because he knew he'd treated me badly but that he also just didn't want to lose me and please would i see him "as a friend".
And then he got a taxi to my house (1 hour away so very expensive!) and came here in the night to talk to me. He said during the conversation that he'd been cheated on by the last two women he cared about, and that as a result he'd given up on trusting people. He said that he'd fallen for me accidentally. He said he'd been wrong, selfish, childish and that he just wanted to have a chance to be around me. He sat down for hours talking to me and explained his past relationship history and said he really wanted to get back to being a person who could trust and love and that he thought I was "the one". He opened up that night about his childhood, his children, his fears and he gave me a verbal commitment that he would go home and make it up to me with a fresh start and listed all the things he would do. There was a lot of hugging and him thanking me for listening. There was no sex, so it was not a "booty call".
We made an arrangement for him to call for a date two days later, hugged, kissed and he went home. He never called. So I decided enough was enough and sent him an angry text to never contact me again and I deleted him from everything.
I understand he has a lot of issues, with being honest, with communicating. But I just want to know...for my own peace of mind because I cared a LOT about this man.
Do you think he meant the things he said when he was drunk that night, about wanting to be with me but being stopped because he was scared...? Or do you think he was probably just upset he had lost my attention and was playing more games?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

I think both things are true....I think he deeply cares for you and meant all of what he said, but I also think that he does not know hot to relate without doing this push/pull thing with you. the more he cares, the more he will do the push/pull because he is terrified. I don't think it was so much because he lost your attention...I think that part of him wishes that he could pul the trigger and be with you but his unresolved stuff just keeps getting in the way.

You were lovely to keep your heart open and to trust...sadly he can't do the same so you have that data and can now move forward knowing that this is most likely how it would be with him. His lack of trust encourages lack of trust and that is no way for you to live.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3138
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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