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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5786
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have written to Just Answer about this subject before

Resolved Question:

Hello,
I have written to Just Answer about this subject before and it's always out of sheer frustration. I am 37 and for around a year, I really liked a man who is 59 who is widowed. I met him through a work connection - he is short, bespectacled and none of my friends and colleagues could work out what the attraction to him was, but I convinced them that he was a lovely, lovely personality and that's what counted.
I managed to build our relationship up to friendship and flirting - and ultimately we had an evening together where we got on so well and kissed a lot. He told me I was amazing - and we stayed up messaging each other that night until 7am.
After this, he did not contact me for several days. It was absolutely heart-breaking. You know I should have been floating on air, but I had that nagging fear. It was HORRIBLE being ignored after I thought it had gone so well and we'd been so happy. It all came crashing down a lot quicker than I'd wanted.
I posted him a fun little card and eventually, not being able to stand it any more, I was forced to ring him to find out what was the matter - and he confessed he was a 'complicated' person and had had a "meltdown" since our kissing session and that everything was "him and not me" (a cliché - but it is true, this I know).
This was the time I should have maybe been reviewing how things were, but we ended up going for another coffee and had another kiss. I thought things had settled down.
We have stayed in touch by text since then and actually had another arrangement to meet for another coffee today.
In the meantime, I had a terrible accident and fell down steps. I have been so poorly that I have been off work and even ended up in hospital for a day.
This was two weeks ago and at the time, I texted him to tell him about my misfortune. He wrote back and said he was sorry etc. and the following day he sent a text message to see how I was.
As we were Facebook friends I was hoping that my status updates about my leg would be enough to prompt him into texting me, but a week passed by from the initial information of my fall, with no enquiry by him.
I thought maybe he was in a depressive phase again and so texted him and he replied, being sympathetic (ish) about my leg and saying he'd had a chest infection which he'd cured with alcohol. I was like "what" - you are saying this to someone who is properly injured. I don't even drink!
I know he is not dead etc as he updated his Facebook on Friday - a video of a ship he'd taken when he'd been out and about.
So mad that he hasn't bothered to enquire after me after yet another week, I have now BLOCKED him on Facebook, so he can't see me at all and I am not tempted to look at anything of his. But I am now torn and feel upset at what I have done and I just want you to reassure me that I have done the right thing.
I am so tempted to text him and either a) have a go at him or b) express disappointment, but deep in my heart, I just want to let it go.
Thank you!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.
It sounds like you have tried everything to connect to this man but he continues to ignore your attempts to have a relationship. This can mean a couple of things. One, he is not interested in a relationship. Sometimes people are unable or unwilling to put the energy into a solid relationship. Sometimes that is about being selfish and other times its something else. Two, he is unable to have a consistent relationship because of issues from his past. Some people experience trauma, abuse or are witness to abuse between their parents or caregivers. They may also be traumatized by a parent who leaves them or dies. Or a parent is emotionally distant, not allowing the child to understand how to form a bond with others.
Whatever this man's reason for keeping his distance, he seems pretty determined to make you do all the work to keep the relationship going. The fact that even your injury does not create concern for him indicates that he is thinking only of himself at this point. Because of his actions and unwillingness to put you first (required for a successful relationship on both sides), then it is likely you will not get much out of him than you have already. For that reason, it is probably best to move on. It is very unlikely that talking to him about it or even having a go at him will change him. If a chance at a good and solid relationship with you did not change his mind, not much else will. People only change if they want to, so you probably would be wasting your time. Moving on can be painful so it is hard to face. But sometimes you need to look at the situation long term and see that staying with him is only prolonging the pain. You have to put yourself first just like he has done and take care of yourself.
It is ok to continue to block him on Facebook unless you feel being friends is possible. But given what he has already put you through, it sounds like you shouldn't expect too much from him.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5786
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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