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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3244
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Warm greetings! Hope you, your family and all your close ones

Resolved Question:

Warm greetings! Hope you, your family and all your close ones are doing all great.
I think my wife and I have been having a perfect marriage life. We were classmates in our business school; married for 7 years after staying engaged for 6.
But, we have always had some minor 'gaps' between us (which couple doesn't?): While I always want to stay involved in outward activities like humanitarian works, my loving wife insists I stay at home all of the time other than while I'm at my day work.
Late last year, I came to know about a suicide prevention helpline support organisation from reading a newspaper article; and, so moved, I immediately applied to be a part. My wife knew—I told her and she consented. After four rounds of screening, interviewing, training and re-screening, I was selected to join in a shift. Now, my wife tells me to 'take a break'.
Then began the more serious problem (only if I realized at the beginning!): I went to the Chief—a wonderful individual—of this group and shared my personal woes; and, fast forward, we've both realized we're becoming weak about each other! Hell.
Nothing has happened, absolutely. Nothing would; we both act as sincere, matured individuals.
But, still, I want an end to this tormentation. How can I do it, that's what I want to know.
To me, this is still 'cheating'. My dear great wife (who's only a little restraining on me and has a different view about one's responsibility to the world) has no darn idea that her 'honest' husband has secretly gone 'soft' towards another woman! And, I am not used to live not-in-hundred-percent-transparency; neither at work, nor at personal or social life. Everywhere people can pretty much read me.
So, this secrecy and this weakness is killing me. What can I do? How can I get back to 'normal'? Please! And, how do I know what I want?
Either, I want to forget everything before a point and never remember anything about this person; or, I don't know what I want—maybe to be in a life where I was never married and I've just got to know this wonderful person...Please help me understand myself and take a direction. If there's any book which would help me understand the situation better, please let me know, too.
At times, I feel like I simply need to ask someone to give me a hard slap on the face to get me forget everything and help me return to the way it was before.
Thank you a tonne in advance for your response. Wish you a continued great time.
Best regards
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
First thing is, I would like you to go easy on yourself...you have been a gentleman your whole marriage and now are up against a very human experience.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
While we may not figure out all the answers to this it is important that we look at this attraction and understand why it has come up.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
The two of you have connected around some wonderful work and work that your wife does not share or really allow you express within yourself....given that and this woman is there and so on the same page with you, the weakness as you call it develops.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
If we understand it from that perspective then we can go a bit easier on yourself. I do believe your marriage could be helped if there was less in the way of keeping you home and allowing you individuality so you can fill all of your needs. Because you have been damped down, it seems natural to me that this would occur.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
So what to do about it? Well, only you can make that choice how you want to proceed but one thing I do know is that your wife telling you to quit these wonderful things you desire to do has not helped you grow as an individual or you as a couple and nor her as her own person. That I think is where the work is.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
We can talk more when you are online.Jen
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much, Jen! You've really rung a few bells.Well, I would like to talk whenever we are both online for ten to fifteen minutes. I feel somewhat confident that I'd be able to work out what I really want and need to do while speaking with you. Especially liked your sensitive approach and analyses/appreciations of what may have happened. Do think you're very right, Jen.I might be able to come online anytime from UTC 4 pm to 7 pm if it's also convenient for you. Alternatively, Jen, you can also please let me know your availability; would certainly try to make it—I need the help :-) Thanks again!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
So happy you feel supported...I think when you can forgive yourself for this attraction you can see it clearly. I am here now for the next 2 hours, then off for a bit, then back again. We WILL connect.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Haven't hear back from you so I am checking in again.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3244
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dear *****,Thank you, ***** *****—thank you so much for your brilliant responses.But, first, let me please tell you where I went missing these days. Since 29-Jun, I tried tens of times to see your messages and to respond. But, there was a technical issue. I couldn't see the contents of this page (no matter how I tried—clicking the link in my email, coming from Account or My Question), all components here were merged/bumped/collapsed together. I tried from seven different computers and from my smartphone; tried three different browsers; also, tried to access it from four different Internet connections. Nothing worked. I wrote to the Support team here twice with screenshots and I also requested them to pass you a message; not sure if you've received it. I kept seeing your notification in my email but couldn't write you back or respond to you here.And, if I again face the same technical issue, (I worry as I haven't received any mail from the Support saying if this has been resolved; just being able to see it today!) I may not be able to collaborate with you any further.Anyway, Jen, a BIG thank you again for responding with such great care. Thank you; it's touching.But, this morning, I've severed all ties with this wonderful, amazing organization and its great people. Couldn't take the 'conflict' any more, I guess...I'm not going there anymore. I've cried afterwards, and my heart is still bleeding from it but not getting out seemed like committing a greater murder. I was killing my wife in not being all-crystal with her which I always am. Although I did - did 'kill' this girl (and, perhaps, myself a bit).We have children—two butterfly li'l daughters: 6-year, and 5-month fresh. And, they're actually two real reasons I desperately want us to stay together and try to work it out for better, as better as it gets....I know, Jen, why this attraction came up. Thank you for asking. The two of us connected because we had more in common—lot more than what I ever imagined there could be in another individual and me. Still, I've felt I can't do this to my daughters.Jen, you're right. The work needs to be done where it requires. And, after this incident, with the insights you've enlightened...I would probably try—slowly, perhaps—to do something about the freedom, the individuality, the need for being true to self. Yes, I know it would have to be done. Not sure though how or how successful I'd be. Still, I'd try.Sincerely ***** ***** your family and friends, all your dear ones and everyone at Just Answer a beautiful-beautiful day, everyday! (Recommending you in Twitter, a very helpful service!)Best regards
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful words. I am so sorry you had some technical glitches and thrilled that you were finally able to see this and hope you are able to see my response. If you need me again start a new question and write forCustomeronly and it will come to me....
I love that you have the insight and ability to see where your work lies....and I think your marriage will be enhanced if you can push for more autonomy within connection. I think your wife holds in tight for fer of loss...but autonomy does not have to mean loss of connection..great growth comes from individual needs being met which can only strengthen the bond between the two of you. Strive for that, talk with her about it and please don't dampen whim you are in order to satisfy others...yes compromise in a relationship is a given, but this is more than that!
I am here if you need me. Thank you for the wonderful rating and bonus.
Jen

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