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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I am in a relationship living with my partner and

Resolved Question:

Hello,
I am in a relationship living with my partner and her 14 year old child. I am living with them in Ireland. I am currently unemployed and have been offered an exceptional high paid position in Canada.... We are not desperate for money but it is still a great opportunity! It is a job in construction where they pay 1400 euros per week (after tax) and also pay all flights and accommodation and food costs. they also give a week off once every 5 weeks and pay for a flight home. so it would be great to come home and see my partner. I could get a job here but It wouldn’t pay anything near as good!
I think its a great opportunity and feel strong that if I turn it down I will have regrets down the line some time. I have plans and aspirations to invest wisely and to be in a very strong financial position in a couple of years. My plan is to do it for a couple of years and invest the money wisely (I have investment plans) and then we can live a good quality of life.
The problem is that my partner thinks I’m being very selfish. She thinks it will not be good for our relationship, it would cause problems. She thinks that I’ll have a whole new life over there and it may come to the point where I may meet someone else and/or may not want to come home. This is after causing some big arguments. I feel very strongly for and she feels very strongly against. She accused me of being selfish and I have accused her of being selfish as she’s not thinking of what’s best for me. I told her if you had an opportunity I would never dream of stepping in her way, I always think of whats best for her even if its not what’s best for me! She says she’s not stepping in my way I will not and cannot stop you, but nevertheless she is being very very unsupportive and there is a lot of tension between us.
I did not look for this job, I just happened to be chatting to a guy last weekend who said he could get me this job. My initial reaction was to decline it as my Partner would not be happy as I always think of what she would think. But afterwards I just said to myself to just think about whats best for me for once!!... Never mind anybody else – Do what’s best for me for once in my life!! And if the people that love me truly love me and want what’s best for me they will be supportive because that is always the way I am!
Can I just have an opinion. Am I being selfish??
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It is not being selfish to want to take a job far away. And from what you describe, it sounds like a good opportunity. But your partner seems to have some issues with it that is making this a hard choice.
From what you are describing, it sounds like your partner may not be upset about the job as much as she is concerned this will change your relationship. While many people live and work apart from each other and maintain long distance relationships, it can be difficult so some of her concerns are valid. And if one partner has issues with trust, like it sounds like she may have, it can test the relationship and the person's ability to let go.
It could be that your partner is insecure and feels that since she cannot be physically close to you, you will end up hurting her. And that maybe you might prefer your life in Canada and abandon her and her child. She could also be concerned about the impact of your absence on her child if you are close or have bonded. This could be from past experience where she was hurt by someone or it could be insecurity.
It may help to address the deeper issues here rather than argue over the job itself. Talk to your partner and let her express her concerns. Acknowledge her fears and concerns then ask if there are ways you can make her feel more secure about your new job and living arrangements. For example, if she and her child can Skype with you every evening, that may make her feel more secure about where you are and your interest in her. Also, ask if they both can visit you. It may be a long trip, but your interest in having her and her child there with you may help her to see you truly care about them.
Talk about your plans to save for your future together. Include her in the plans and ask her how she can participate. Talk about how you will use the money together. Making solid plans for the future can also help her feel more secure.
Also, let her know that you feel giving up this job would cause you to regret it later, but be sure to acknowledge that you are causing a hardship for the family and that you want to do what it takes to make this easier on her.
Plan on sending gifts and pictures to your partner a lot while you are gone. Staying in contact will help and show her that you care. And it will make sure she knows you are thinking of her and her child.
If possible, consider any marriage plans you may have had. If you feel this is the right relationship and marriage is possible, you may want to make those plans now. Don't do this just to keep the relationship, however. You want to consider only if you had planned on it already.
Here are some resources that can help you both cope with the new changes, should you take the job:
The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide
by ***** ***** and Kate Brauer-Bell
Long Distance Relationships: Make a Long Distance Relationship Work and Survive Being Apart
by Daytona Watterson
Long Distance Relationships: Secrets to a Successful Long Distance Relationship
by Hattie Spiritweaver
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
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