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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Relationship Advice:Fifteen years ago I met a

Resolved Question:

Hello,
Relationship Advice:
Fifteen years ago I met a woman in an online chatroom. We hit it off immediately, found a strong mental connection, shared a lot of laughs and enjoyed a long and happy online relationship despite her living in Canada, and me living in Africa. We kept in touch over the years but eventually as things progressed, family got in the way as well as the daily grind and we lost touch, although she often popped into my mind from time to time.
Three years ago I found Sheri again via a chat app and we picked up right where we left off. It was like a light had been flicked on and we chatted as if we had never been apart. As we had obviously matured and our family life and situations had changed dramatically (we were both separated), we talked at a deeper level than before and really got to know each other on every level, with each passing day feeling a deeper sense of .. love .. I guess? We used video chat to finally see each other aside from photos and were like giddy teenagers, talking about everything under the sun, finding a lot of common ground and despite the inability to meet, professed our feelings for each other.
I changed jobs a year ago, moved to the UK and started working with a Canadian company. I told Sheri, we made plans to meet up when I went over to Canada and a few weeks before I was due to arrive, she pulled the plug, cold feet perhaps. By this stage we were talking multiple times a day and although this came as a massive shock to me, I understood that maybe her wanting to meet was based on a wistful thought that maybe it would never happen due to the distance and she was indulging me in a fantasy. The possibility of a real face to face meeting was breathtaking but she spent so much time thinking how incredible it would be that she never once stopped to consider what that would mean in other ways once the opportunity was imminent.
We trust each other implicitly - with our feelings, our secrets, with our hearts and beyond. But what she feared the most was the potential change once we met.
She stated she don't want to mess "this" up and that if things didn't work out, for whatever reason, what would she do without this relationship we had shared? Is it self preservation?
So in my mind I have two options. 1) I abide by her wishes and remain as we are, chat buddies, never push to meet her and realise that although she might actually be "the one", I should leave be and respect her demands
or 2) buy a ticket to see her, only then do I call her when I am actually in her home town, minutes down the road and ask to see her and hopefully she relents and realises that sometimes life is full of risks and sometimes these risks are worth taking if you are ultimately happy.
In my head I am screaming out "How will you know if you don't at least try?"
My situation allows me to travel freely and I would consider relocating if things worked out well but on the one hand, I'm not sure I can remain "just friends" given how we both feel but I also don't want to force her hand and potentially disregard her personal space and wishes.
I do not think there is anyone else on the scene given how frequently we chat and the hours that this happens so this comes down to what I want versus what she wants. Or maybe there is something I am not seeing (being a man, this is a possibility).
Thank you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,I understand the situation you are facing. It seems what you both share is wonderful and it is ashame that she is not willing to take the risk. I would not just show up because that may cause her to be upset or very umconfortable. Rather, I would try to continue to discuss this with her in order to help her gain control of her fears. Explain how what you both have is wonderful and if preserved as such will remain wonderful, but will also remain stagnant. However, if you both meet then it can grow and bloom into something unimaginable. Life like you said is about risks and of we do not take certain risks then we may never be fully happy or reach our full potential in general. Therefore, I would try to continue to prepare her for a meeting. The goal would be in a certain amount of time you decide she will be ready to meet and if not then you would then need to make a decision as to how you would like to proceed with the relationship. You can also express to her how preventing this meeting can cause the relationship to turn a negative path, so even though she belives she is saving it she may very well be hurting it. Another possibility she may not want to meet is that she may be hiding something or she may be embarrassed about her appearance. She may have showed you old photos and may think you will not like her current appearance. There can be many other reasons as well ranging from major to silly. Sometimes women are shy or worried over things one may not think twice about. Therefore, naturally helping to build her confidence would be wise as well. I wish you the very best and hope it all works out. Please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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