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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I'm currently testing the water again with an ex I went out

Customer Question

I'm currently testing the water again with an ex I went out with for 4 months last year . I ended it then because even in his own words he was too detached , self absorbed , didnt prioritise us and although a nice , thoughtful , secure , funny guy at others u didnt feel good about it also I had just come out of an awful time with another guy that wouldn't take end of and wound up in court due to him stalking me! We both had issues at time of coming together , we had a spark tho . The chemistry sexually was amazing , however he's only had couple of one nite stands n two flings in the 8 yr seperated n still not divorced from his ex , who is an elephant in the room as she still says jump n he jumps , jobs for her , much on her terms with their teenager n now grandchildren . She guilt trips him to making things good in her house due to these factors. He's helped her move this year because she now alone ago an with an 18 mth old and nobody she can ask? She asks him , not the father of get new offspring . He's too soft n they havnt got healthy boundaries . Now I'm uncomfortable with it he's says he's addressing this , however he's still nom commital , never makes plans til last min, is happy to see me once a week and not pushing to get our weekends in sync ... He pursued me back again as if he's learnt error of ways , but he's showing me the same . Also highly sexed as if that first go out after ?! I'm well bought up n he highlights this sometimes as if he's having a poke , sometimes as if to take the Micky , however he should be grateful in my opinion I am nice as he puts it and well mannered , polite ! He's self involved alot of the time talks of him , cars, motorbikes , but can be attentive n lovely at others . I'm not sure am I wasting time on a man who's really in his own long time and got used to it ? Also unavailable emotionally , maybe due to ties having not been cut to the ex ? I'd rather he had done this already for him , not for me !
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. I'm sorry he is putting you through this, it definitely sounds like he is not interested in much of a serious relationship, rather a friend with some benefits. The issue with his ex can be a tough one because they have a child together and even though the child is grown, sometimes that particular bond 2 people have together can be an issue for future relationships, as you are seeing. They have a forever connection through their child and some women use this to manipulate men for the rest of their lives and some men go with it, as you are seeing. This part may or may not change, but it is him who does need to address it as you said he thinks he is doing. Somehow. The fact they are not legally divorced is also a major red flag. 8 years is a very long time. Is there a legal or financial reason for this ??I would start putting some boundaries down and see how he responds. I might consider telling him that until he is fully and legally divorced, you aren't going to see him anymore. His response to that might tell you how he feels about you. Once a week is also not something that people who care about each other are ok with. If you say he is interested sexually, I am inclined to think that that is his priority more than an actual relationship. I'm not certain you are going to get a long term commitment from him in the near future. He admits he is self absorbed and has some issues but hasn't done much to improve on those things. He knows he has you to the limit he wants you, so there is no need for him to change in his eyes. I'd be cautious with him and his intentions. I'd explain to him exactly what you want out of a relationship and ask him if he sees the same. If not, then you probably should consider moving on, as you are not going to be able to change his core personality.

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