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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My soon to be husband has had addictions to porn/strip clubs

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My soon to be husband has had addictions to porn/strip clubs in the past and I'm worried it's starting again. He has also had some contact with his exs.I have no choice but to not confront him with it as he has a terrible temper in these situations and has hurt me in previous arguments (but is overly affection the rest of the time). He says he finds me attractive and loves me but I find it hard to believe. His actions make me feel very unattractive, very ugly inside and out. I'm not the most attractive, intelligent person in the world by a long shot but I thought love would make me feel like I was even though I'm not. I feel very low. I don't know what to do. He knows it is getting to me and he is being clingy. Thanks

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. I'm sorry he is doing this to you. As difficult as it is to believe, men don't look at porn because their partner is unattractive to them. There are models or women who are some of the most beautiful int he world and their husbands or boyfriends will still look at porn. Attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Porn is a fantasy world for men and most keep it separate from their "real" lives and relationships. Most men have no understanding as to why women get so upset about them looking at it. They don't equate it to anything remotely close and personal as women do. That being said, if he is in contact with his ex's and going to strip clubs, that is an issue of respect for you and him not having much of it. You didn't say how your sex life was with him, but maybe this is something you both can discuss to get a bit more on the same page as far as what he expects from you and what you expect from him. Understand that most men do and will look at porn from time to time. That is their nature. Men are visual creatures. When it becomes a problem, is when it interferes with your relationship. You need to discuss this with him BUT have the understanding that the chances of you stopping him from ever looking at porn again, is probably not going to be in your favor. Even if he says he will stop. What you need to do is decide on what you are ok with and what you aren't and talk to him about it. You said he knows this bothers you and has been clingy with you. Use this opportunity to reach a peace agreement with him. Tell him you understand he is a man and a lot of men look at porn and while you are uncomfortable with this and you don't like it, you will be willing to accept it, if he keeps it to himself, he doesn't go to strip clubs or physically have any encounter with a "live" woman. Even though you probably are NOT ok with even some porn, by saying that to him, you are opening him up to the fact that you are able to have understanding for him and wish he would do the same for you. He may see that you are making an effort to see things from his point of view and wish to offer the same to you in return. Please understand his porn has NOTHING to do with you. Not one bit. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world, with the highest sex drive in the world and chances are....he will still want to look at porn. It is not a reflection on you in the least and even though as a woman, our point of view is so different and it seems SO obvious that it DOES have to do with us... it doesn't. Try to have some confidence in yourself, as confidence is attractive. Being a strong person is what you need to try to do right now for yourself and for your future marriage. He should not have contact with his ex girlfriends and by you asking him to stop doing that, you are certainly not in the wrong. Again, it comes down to respecting each other. That would make me more uncomfortable and weary more than the porn would, as once you bring in real people, there can be some problems there. Try talking to him again but not in a accusation type of manner. Ask him what you can do to help with the situation and tell him what you need from him, but be a little more open and try not to paint him into a corner. He might surprise you and open up to you about it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I took the advice of talking to him and ended up with a black eye. I've finally learnt to leave sleeping dogs lie.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I am sorry he did that to you, but you cannot blame me for that. You are dating an abusive person who should be in jail for doing that and my advice to you for how to handle this situation would not change. Anyone who is in a normal and healthy relationship should be able to discuss this easily with their husband/partner/boyfriend. Rating me a 1-2 and ruining my professional reputation on this service is not acceptable to me and my track record. Because you took the advice of a professional and spoke to your husband, his reaction was not normal and he was out of control. Again, this is not my fault. So now, you have decided to allow him to get away with physically beating you and to "let sleeping dogs lie"? because of this ? My strong, professional advice at this point would be to never ever ever do that. You should do exactly the opposite. You are choosing to be with an abuser. That is your choice. It has nothing to do with my advice. Any psychologist or psychiatrist would have told you the same thing. If you are looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear and that you should just let him cheat on you, attend strip bars, see his ex and sit in front of porn, then this is not the place to get that sort of advice. Again, I am sorry he has abused you. I would recommend you change your rating on my service, because I cannot and will not tell someone to stay with someone who is physically abusive. Nor would I ever give professional advice which contradicts my background or reputation in order to tell someone what they want to hear, rather than how to involve themselves in a healthy, normal relationship. I would always answer your original question in the same manner to anyone who asks. As a matter of fact, I have heard this same exact question probably over 100 times. My advice has always been the same and it has always turned out for the best. I'm sorry in your case it has not. Perhaps in the future, instead of letting sleeping dogs lie, you should consider being with someone who would never consider doing any of those things to you. Seeking out a healthy, good, respectable relationship would be the way I would want anyone in your situation to move forward.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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