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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5786
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I am concerned about my partner, a Muslim, aged 42. I have

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I am concerned about my partner, a Muslim, aged 42. I have been with him for two years, he lives with me in my home. I am 62 and very attractive. His behaviour concerns me greatly. He has, this year, used his lap-top computer to engage in dating sites, looking for women 'on the side', he has placed himself on 'Facebook', whereupon he constantly 'searched' for various females, I discovered child pornography on his lap-top, which he alleges arrived there due to a 'glitch' on the computer!and was nothing to do with him. The computer told me that he had looked at it during the month many times however... He deleted it, but whether it has been re-instated, I do not know. He has locked his lap-top now.
He is passive in the bedroom, and only seems amorous after having many drinks... (although, as a Muslim, he isn't supposed to drink at all). I am enthusiastic sexually, and it is my enthusiasm and loving , tactile nature that inspires our love-making. He lies on his back, with his eyes closed, and does the minimum.
He deleted his 'Facebook' account in the summer, and we had a blissful period of time whereupon he left his lap-top alone and engaged in the real world.
Today, however, I have found that he has re-instated it, to my utter dismay, since it seems he will be up to his old ways again. Also he arose this morning in a bad temper, angrily saying I woke him up when I visited the bathroom, (despite him having enjoyed ten hours of peaceful sleep!) He was not interested in intimacy.
This attitude,together with his behaviour secretly placing himself back on 'Facebook', and his renewed interest in weight- lifting and body- building in order no doubt to exchange pictures of his body with women, as he suggested when he was on 'Facebook' before, makes me wonder what I am going to do. He alleges that he loves me and wants to stay with me forever. He has bought me an expensive ring, and many other things. However this is not the behaviour of a man who loves you.
In the past, I have been used to gentlemen saying they are delighted if I go out with them, and they are over the moon if I stay the night. They say that they feel 'complete' if I am there, and treat me with great courtesy and love. They are enthusiastic in the bedroom and pay me many compliments.
My partner is a Muslim, and I am thinking maybe this is part of the reason for his 'cavalier' attitude, since they are brought up to think that women are nothing.
I love to be close to my partner in bed, because I love him, but his behaviour is making me think twice about the future.
What do you think?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. What you are describing is abuse and infidelity, no matter what culture the person is from. Your boyfriend's culture or beliefs can play a part in how he treats men and women, but that is never a reason to hurt someone as he has hurt you. Your culture and beliefs are just as important as his and if you find this treatment to be hurtful, your feelings should not matter any less than his do. Porn of any type is very harmful to a relationship, but child porn is illegal. Just the fact that your boyfriend is willing to look at these sites puts you and him in possible danger of legal action. The fact that he is willing to expose you to seeing these sites and possible putting you in a difficult situation shows that he cares more about his own needs than about you. Along with seeking women on line, lying to you and locking down his computer so you don't have access all adds up to someone who is more interested in his own needs and desires than the person he is with. He is also withholding himself from you physically and emotionally. From what you said, he is invested in seeking others to be with on line and possibly in person. So he is not putting your relationship first or you first, which is vital for your relationship to grow. At this point, you may want to try asking your boyfriend to go to counseling with you. Your different approaches to your relationship is obvious and he does not appear to have the same commitment as you do, so counseling is needed to see if you can work out the issues between you both. But if he won't go to counseling, go on your own. You have been hurt by his actions and possibly exposed to legal action by your boyfriend (seek legal advice regarding this issue). You deserve better and counseling can help you find out what your next step should be. Your happiness is important and this relationship is creating conflict and pain for you. You need to find out if there is anything you can do to save it or if you need to give it up so you can move on. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5786
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dear Kate,Thank you for your help.
Today I have found that my partner has taken naked photographs of himself from the waist up, and placed them on his 'Facebook' site which he set up yesterday. He has started body building, and has heavy weights, and an exercise bike in my conservatory, which he is using to build up his physique. I privately thought that the reason for all this body-building was for some ulterior motive, apart from trying to keep trim, but I never imagined that he would actually do anything like this. He maintained he wanted a camera to take pictures of any accidents his bus was involved in whilst going about his bus-driving duties. It is clear that the camera has been used to place naked pictures on 'Facebook'. He has also been, as I thought, looking at the 'Facebook' pages of women, one of them is a young teenager, whom he used to know, many years ago. They are extremely rough looking, and live in a very rough area of the city. He has sent one black woman a friend request. She has limited intelligence, she has a drug habit, she is promiscuous, and lives in a dirty flat in this run-down area of town. She attempted to murder a former man-friend of hers, because he told her to keep away from him. She almost succeeded, but he managed to disarm her twice. She has a prison sentence hanging over her. I cannot understand how he could ever have had anything to do with such a person. Apparently he knew her many many years ago. He told his male friend who had also known the woman, that he was glad to get away from this area, since the women were appalling. I cannot understand why he wants to get in touch with her again.
When I asked him what he was doing this morning, on his lap-top, he became aggressive, and told me to 'mind my own business' - the phrase he used was far less polite than this.
Now that he is posting naked pictures of himself on 'Facebook', it seems clear that he is out to attract women. He thinks that he is very handsome, and admires himself.
If he wishes to attract someone else, I do not understand why he continues the relationship with me. Does he just like messing about and flirting? It seems very juvenile.
If I try to talk to him, quietly and calmly, as I did this morning, about feelings etc.., he becomes aggressive and dismissive and refuses to talk about the subject.
I am so very dissapointed in his behaviour. Last month he left his lap-top at his mother's house, and life with him was blissfull.
Now his behaviour has changed completely. there is no consistency.
It seems that I am facing the end of things with him. My family and friends have told me many times to get rid of him. He is very handsome and I am so attracted to him and love him so much. It is lovely to have him in my house to live with, doing things together, and he loves gardening with me.
But these events put a different complexion on things. Obviously, it is out of order for him to sit in my lounge, telling me to mind my own business, while he posts naked pictures of himself on his 'Facebook' page and tries to contact women. It will be hard to let him go, I love him so much, but I know that if my daughters came to me and revealed that their partners were behaving in an appalling way, I should be shocked, and advising them to find someone worth-while to love.
What do you think?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! It sounds like the same type of behavior that we talked about with your first post. He is putting his own needs first and appears to be unable to have a normal type of relationship. No one in who is in a relationship should be acting out as he is doing. There is no way to tell for sure why he is acting this way without being able to talk to him directly, but his behavior is obviously not healthy and he is not able to be a part of your relationship. His focus should be on you, but it appears to be on himself. Your family and friends are right, this is not a good relationship for you to be in as it is now. Try therapy as we talked about to decide how you want to deal with your boyfriend's behavior. Kate

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