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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My ex finished our relationship over a year ago, we sold

Resolved Question:

Hi, my ex finished our relationship over a year ago, we sold the house and went our separate ways. Our relationship was passionate and intense, but various issues arose which resulted in him more than me calling it a day. It was a very difficult time as I felt we could have worked things out if he wasn't so stubborn. However, a year later, yesterday in fact, I spoke to him on the phone and asked if we could meet up as I wanted some professional advice from him and also to see him as we haven't spoken in such a long time. Yes secretly I wanted desperately to see him again but played it cool, as friends. However, once mentioned meeting up, he paused then said his girlfriend wouldn't be too happy as she gets very jealous, especially if she thought he was with me! I felt like he put a knife through my heart. He was the one who said he doesn't want another relationship - yet he's all of a sudden found a new girlfriend. By the way he's 58 hence no rush to enter into another relationship. He said he'd get back to me though about the advice. Problem is I have a feeling he doesn't have a girlfriend but is scared of getting hurt again or falling for me again, but how cruel to lead me to believe he's with someone. Is he just wanting to hurt me or make me jealous? I'm so confused and miss him so much, why is he putting up these barriers when I know he still cares for me? If he calls in response to the advice I wanted how should I be with him? I've tried to be up beat, confident, but all the while I'm in pieces because of what he said and imagining him with someone else, that's if there's someone else?!

P.S.  Just a bit of back-ground as to how we met and why things went wrong:

Basically, we were both in marriages that weren't going well and wanted out, we met at work and just clicked - instant attraction, very intense, a bit of a whirlwind with talks of marriage.  We moved in together and everything was great for the first 18months, also please note, my two children came with me. Two things happened, one of my children was a particular problem teenage tantrums and all sorts - not my partners problem but he took it on.  Second thing was my partner's insistence on having lots of outside activities/hobbies that didn't include me partly due to the fact that I had the kids to look after -I couldn't really get involved with him as much as I wanted, I felt abandoned and at times taken for granted.  He couldn't see this and thought I was being unreasonable and in retrospect - perhaps I was.  Finally, because of me feeling taken for granted I threatened to stay out one night and when I did, this led him to believe I was with another man.  That was the final straw for him and he never forgave me despite my desperate attempts to reassure him that all I wanted was to get a reaction and for him not take me for granted.  Big mistake, and things were never the same.  I'm now feeling he's giving me a taste of my own medicine - I could be very wrong as I would never have thought he'd be so immature - he doesn't play games, well I didn't think he did. Please help!!! Thanks Judy

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi, Thanks for your question. I would like to help.Just to clarify how long have you both been separated?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We've been separated a year now and I've more or less not contacted him at all, the only ocassion I did was when his dad died in January this year. He's made a couple of phone calls to me but that was more to do with finances just after we split last September. I stopped myself from calling him to give him space and to reflect on things but it looks like he's just moved on.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
It is sad that because you went out that night he thought you were with another man. He should have known better. He may have been thinking of leaving before that and acted upon it at that moment. It is unfortunate if he has found someone if he truly has. No one knows the truth, but him. In anycase are you wanting help with getting him back or etc?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes I am wanting advice on how to win him back, advice on how to treat the situation when he calls me back? I don't know how to read his behaviour at the moment, or know what to say or do in order to try and win him back. I don't want to appear too desperate or needy - which I'm not, after all I did leave it a year before making any contact. He cycles past my house every day on his way to work, he doesn't have to, so in my mind I feel he does this on purpose. I guess only he knows how he's feeling. What's your advice??

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Yes, he may be checking on you and still interestdo this being the reason he passes your house. How is the current vibe when you both talk? When was the lady time you both saw one another, spoke, and went out together?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He seems a little awkward and a little tense on the phone but this is because it's been a year with no contact, I haven't been out with him at all. The only contact we've had is as i've mentioned before. He's not at his best on the phone but he's keen to talk to me and catch up.

I dont mean to be disrespectful, but will you be able to offer me any advice as I don't seem to be getting much feedback from you, i was hoping for some insightful guidance? So far, I haven't found this very helpful and have nothing to work from?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
So it has been a while with no contact. It is good that you were able to give him his space and your feelings haven't changed. If you think he does not have a girlfriend I would try asking him out again due to your professional advice needed unless he contacts you first. If he does help you with that or agrees to meet I would act like a good friend. Anything he may have wanted you to change or he may have complained about I would naturally show him that change if any. Just be very positive and someone good to be around. This will naturally help with him wanting to be around you and possibly see him again. I would not say anything yet about the girlfriend , your feelings, or getting back together. I would just enjoy the moments with him and try having a good time no matter how quick, long, formal , or informal the meetings may be. From there I would take steps in trying to see him again and Continue to allow things to happen naturally. If they do not then you may want to one day sit and discuss with him directly how you still truly feel and what really happened in the past along with finding out if he is willing to open up about his true feelings. I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
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