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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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Dear Dr Jackie, I consulted you before about my Muslim

Customer Question

Dear Dr Jackie, I consulted you before about my Muslim partner who is 20 years younger than myself, and with whom there have been a number of problems. I recently found that he had placed himself on a dating site looking for another woman 'on the side',
so to speak. but writing on the site that he did not want a full relationship, no sex, just kisses and cuddles. He did this on the day that was supposed to be our wedding day, but it did not take place because his sister was getting married on the same day
in a Muslim Nikka ceremony, and his familynot want him to have a double ceremony with her . He attended the wedding on his own, because his family did not want me there, being English, and not Pakistani, like themselves. So to pass the time of day, he went
on the internet dating site, while he waited for the ceremony to take place. He wrote on the internet that he did not love me, but he was never going to leave me, because I love him, and he did not want to hurt me. He went on to ask if anyone had any accommodation
and he does not mind if they are married. He also said in a conversation he had with one lady who replied on the web-site, that he was worried that I would tell his mother about many unpleasant things he does, like the time I found child pornography on his
computer etc....the lady blocked him off! He told me later, that he was just messing about to pass the time! and that he did love me . Last night I spoke to him on another matter. I told hom that I dod not ask him to repeat himself if I have not heard clearly
what he has said, because, since the first moments that I knew him two years ago, he always seemed nasty and irritable if he had to repeat himself. I have always found this behaviour odd, since we all, at times, say 'pardon' or 'please would you repeat that',
to someone we have not heard well enough, and they repeat their words willingly and without hesitation. I have given up doing this over the years, or indeed, questioning him about anything at all, since it irritates him and he is most unforthcoming. When I
mentioned his behaviour in this respect last night, he said that if someone does not hear him clearly, it is THEIR fault for not paying enough attention ! and he would most certainly not bother to repeat himself. Such breath-taking arrogance, is unbeievably
hard to comprehend..and makes me wonder what on earth I am doing with this man ..... What are your thoughts, may I ask?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, I am sorry I wasn't available yesterday afternoon or evening, but I will be available most of the day. I'll try to respond in detail here but also send you my phone and Skype information through the JA form if you feel it would be easier to talk versus type. But for now to respond to you... First, Wow! I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I certainly do remember emailing/chatting about your husband. Since I had not heard from you, I had mistakenly believed that things were much better. I'm so sorry that they are not. Second, the fact that he was signing up on a dating website the day you were supposed to get married definitely sends up red flags. I do not care if he truly did not want sexual intercourse==just the other intimate behaviors you have shared. The fact remains that he violated your trust in a HUGE way! I do not believe that he had your best interest in "pass the time of day"? No, that is a selfish act magnified by the date he chose to do it. I do not buy his statement that he didn't want to hurt you because you love him. On the off chance that that really is true, he still behaved wrongly on at least four levels. One, he betrayed you, his wife-to-be at the time. Two, he should have told you his true feelings. I can't remember if this marriage was arranged or not...I know that many Muslim weddings are indeed arranged. But of course, some are not. But regardless, he should have discussed his feelings toward you WITH YOU and not with a posting on a dating site!!! That is so unethical; in communication "lingo," we would say that this is a huge "relationship transgression." Three, he betrayed his family. He is worried that you would tell his mother??? Then why on earth is he on a dating site to begin with (he was getting married to you) let alone advertising that he is already married?!?! In my book, he had no "right" to ask for anyone to promise not to tell his mother! If he is afraid of embarrassing or shaming his mother, then he should not be on the dating website! He made the choice to be on their! It sounds like he knows that HE IS A HYPOCRITE!!! Four, is he not betraying is own religion? I remember from before that he did not seem to follow all the tenets of Islamic faith. But this is a huge part of it, yes? Being faithful to one's spouse? So I really would have to wonder about his commitment to his religion. Now, the child pornography is an entirely different and much worse issue. Child porn is illegal, and for good reason! I would be very scared from this point forward. If he is sexually attracted to children, this is more than a red flag--this is a serious sickness. And about the only chance he has of overcoming this kind of addiction (if that is what it is) is therapy. Finally, like you said, it is not uncommon at all for people to politely ask others to repeat themselves if the words or some of the words were unclear. To blame the listener goes against not only research but against common sense! About the only way it would be the listener's "fault" would be if the listener were truly spacing out and not listening. But this is not the case. Even people with the best hearing cannot always hear someone else or everything that is said--sometimes there are distractions/noise like babies crying or lawn mowers cutting grass. And then there is what we call "speaker noise." This could be the speaker mumbling or not talking loudly enough or whatever the case may be. So often it's actually the speaker's "fault" (if we are to cast blame at all) for the listener not being able to hear. Again, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I do not know him of course, but I do know that he does not sound worthy of you at all. As if his "dating site stunt" were not enough, he verbally abuses you (and for something that is not even your fault, not that verbal abuse is EVER acceptable). And then the child porn takes the cake. I truly believe you can do so much better than this fellow. Do you want to talk or chat more? Please let me know. Meanwhile, I will get the other contact information to you. Please take care,--Dr. Jackie
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dear Dr. Jackie,
Thank you so much for your reply.... and no, ours is not an 'arranged' marriage. I am a *****, *****tish lady, twenty years older than my fiance. His family made him go through an 'arranged' marriage when he was around twenty, to an Asian girl that he had never set eyes on before the day of the wedding. Pakistani Muslims do this sort of thing all the time. Unsurprisingly, the marriage failed and much bitterness ensued. So, no, he is determined never to allow his relatives to push him into an arranged marriage again.
With regard to the child pornography, he alleges that it came to be on his computer because of a 'glitch'. He denies knowing it was there. I find it hard to believe him, since he lies readily when it suits him. Also his computer revealed that the images had been looked at four times during the month. He has deleted the images, but come to think of it, he has locked his computer too, now.
With regard to his Islamic faith, he seems to delve in and out of it as he feels like it.
Yes I was astonished when he arrogantly ascertained that he never repeats himself if the person to whom he is addressing has not heard him clearly. There do not seem words to express this appalling side to his character.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Thank you for such a fast response! And again, I'm sorry my reply is not more positive in that encouraging you to make your marriage work. While I do always try to ask couples on the brink of divorce to at least do some counseling and give it one last try, in this case, I don't think I can do that because my inclination is that along with your thoughts, he probably DID know the porn was there. I have never heard of a "glitch" that would allow illegal downloading of content. So I don't want to judge him with 100% certainty, but I find his excuse very hard to believe. That said, again, I do try to get couples to work with a therapist/counselor, preferable face-to-face if you can find one but online if that is more doable. In your case, I am unsure if that is a possibility. Do you think he would agree to go to marital counseling? If you do love him and believe that he now loves you and there is something worth saving, I would always suggest that as a last effort so that at least if you do divorce, you can look back a year from now and know you truly gave it your best try. But if he is just staying in the marriage to not hurt you, well, he IS hurting you by his behaviors--the computer stuff including if he still has dating site accounts that you do not know about plus the arrogant berating of you for not always hearing him. That just is ridiculous. My own mother began losing her hearing very young--in her 40's. I think it would absolutely have crushed my mom if my dad had yelled at her for something that was not her fault but the fault of a genetic disease passed on to her by my grandfather. So I do want you to really think about the fact that unless your husband gets counseling/therapy, at least statistically speaking, there is a 99% chance that he will not change. I may have said this to you the last time we chatted, but it may be worth repeating again (since I know you don't mind repetition of things :-) ). People are very, very resistant to change by their nature. And so once we get into a routine, it is our comfort zone, even if we are unhappy. So short of a life-altering experience such as near death, tragedy, tragedy of loved one, or an intervention (such as counseling), people rarely change. :( I hope this helps explain things maybe a bit more clearly. Please let me know if you would like to chat more. I wish I had more positive news; but perhaps if he does agree to counseling, then that would be positive. :) Take care,--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dear Dr Jackie,Thank you for your reply. I am not actually married to my Muslim partner, he lives with me. He wanted to have a Muslim Nika ceremony in August, but his family did not want him to share our wedding day with his sister's. He was thinking of having both marriages performed at the same time. I feel that much of the pressure to get married comes from his relatives. Muslims are supposed to marry as soon as they meet their intended partner, and not wait too long. I am not at all bothered about getting married. The Nika ceremony is not legal anyway.
So in this respect, we are not saving marriage, but a relationship. It occurs to me that I wonder if I would tolerate the behaviours he engages in if I were the same age as him. Perhaps because I am older, I am more magnanimous towards him. It is just a thought.
When we went on holiday this summer, I started to become very ill with heat-stroke as the temperature rose dramatically.He became extremely aggressive, and used appalling language, shouting at me, because the holiday had to be curtailed, and he had to drive me home. I was in such a state that I had to phone friends to see if they could come and fetch me, because his temper was such that I didn't think it wise to travel with him. He eventually calmed down somewhat, and drove me home from the beach. I wonder how he would cope with someone older than himself, as the years progress.Kind regards....
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

I am so sorry you have gone through this. I am rather shocked by your partner's temper regarding you being ill. I do not see a shred of sensitivity in his behaviors. This really concerns me, especially as you have pointed out, years down the road if he has limited patience now.


Please do keep me posted and let me know if you would like to chat...

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