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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3499
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I have just found out My husband of 23 years has had an affair.

Customer Question

I have just found out My husband of 23 years has had an affair. I'm devastated, we have 2 children 19 at Uni & 16 Just started boarding sch. His mother died 2008, his dad took off with his Aunt, Dad then got cancer Aunt left. daughter I'll for 4 years, we have our own business which he is in partnership with his brother. I have said for the last 15 years he does 90% of the work, brother 10 but still get same wage. The woman he had or is still seeing I don't know was on a committee with him so while I was at home doing all the kids exams etc, I also work 25 hours a week he went off with her. I did ask him earlier in the year was he having an affair, he said no and I believed him.. He couldn't make any decisions so after 2 weeks of hell I said I would give him 6 months of space. He is renting about 20 mins away. He said he couldn't guarantee me anything, so it was my cal to do 6 months. Where do I go from here?????????
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I am so sorry to hear of this betrayal. He has made this choice which has long repercussions for all of you in the family. Where do you go from here? you both need to decide if staying in the marriage is what you desire...if the answer is yes then couples therapy is a must...he needs to look at the reasons why he had the affair and the marriage needs to be looked at. You are reeling from the news and I always suggest that decisions are not made when affairs are revealed....you need the time to understand it all and decide for yourself what you want. Betrayals have a long legacy...that doesn't mean you both can't recover from it, but painful feelings come and go during the healing process and both people need to be aware of that and have the staying power if you want things to work. If he is already living away from the house, it tells me he has made up his mind...so, my suggestions would be that you feel what you feel and figure out what feels best for you.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Let me know your thoughts.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Of course I would like the marriage to work, and I also realise things must change but I need him to want to come back first. We do talk. I'm devastated you said he has already made his mind up by moving out, I hope not
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I am hoping that it is not the case and hoping that his moving out is just giving himself the space to clear his head. I am not convinced that he has made up his mind...it may mean that he has. Did you ask him to leave or he decided to? When you say he left and can't promise you anything, what does he expect from you during this time? When you talk does he desire to work on things? Is he still with her? My focus is of course on you and helping you navigate this space that helps you best.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
If you are okay to wait while he is on his own and figure out if he wants to come back, then I support that decision..as long as it works for you. I hear you want the marriage and will work toward making that happen.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He had a massive panic attack and collapsed, after this he was very stressed, and just kept saying he didn't know to every question I asked, so it was my idea to give him space and time, rightly or wrongly?!!!!! I don't know he said he contacted her to say he was in Councelling and has said he hasn't seen her but I don't know. He said he feels like he's in a goldfish bowl
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Clearly this is a very stressful time and him taking some time and you giving it to him could be very beneficial. The counseling will help as well. It sounds to me like he has a lot going on and may have caused himself to lose his way for a bit and make some devastating choices. I think you are on the right track with giving him this space and him being on his own could give some clarity so he can begin to work on things within himself and find his way back to you. In the meantime, focus on you and your feelings and healing from it. Give yourself the time do so as well.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel one an absolute fool for not seeing it coming and who knows if I've made the right decision, I hope so and I also realise if he does want to co e back it's going to be months away probably and months of healing, I do still love him and want it to work out
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
All of the feelings you are having are completely normal. Please go easy on yourself...as you say it will take a long time to heal all around but you must not be hard on yourself about this. Breathe, do things for yourself each day and clarity comes. Try and leave off the negative judgments on yourself....you have been a loving wife and mother!!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you I have to go and collect my son now. Thank you for your help and support
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Be well. I am here if you need.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have just had the almighty row and then sent a text to him saying he can go off with his whore and I will be getting a divorce lawyer. He still will not say to me it's a huge mistake and he still wants her. Is it time to call it a day. I have given him 6 months but there doesn't seem any point
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am sorry to hear of this for YOU. I know you desired for it to work. Try and sit with your feelings for yourself and reach out to a lawyer when you know you are truly ready....want it not to be from a reactionary place but from a place of a calmer place.