How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
TherapistMaryAnn is online now

Ive been with my partner since December, hes left me twice

Customer Question

ive been with my partner since December, hes left me twice one min hes fine then I come home and hes just gone and wont answer his texts or calls, his father said hes a compulsive lier, but when my partner came back again in march he said it was his father that was a lier. then in September he said he was going fishing and would be back the next day, but he never did, I waited a week and text to say come round for dinner, which he did , he came back for two weeks, then I came home again and he was gone, his last words was that he loved me and again there is not contact, ive since had letters come from debt people saying he s in a lot of debt, which when he was with me he kept saying he had a brilliant credit rating,? and would never get into debt ect.i just want closure and have sent a text asking if we was over, and still hewont answer, its making me go insane and I don't know what to do, he was so loving when he was here, he did all my bungalow up and loved my dogs so none of it makes sence, I have found out that he does lie tho, is there any hope or has he used me and why wont he answer my texts
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just carnt understand how he could come back , and be so nice then just cut me out of his life again, he knows I suffer with depression and knows I like to have closure also
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
also I must add I met him on a dating site and everything he put in his profile was a lie but he told me he just did it to forget who he was and to reinvent himself
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. It sounds like your instinct is telling you that this man is a liar and that he uses that to hurt others, including you. Chronic lying is a symptom of some mental health disorders including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Since it appears that your boyfriend also lacks the ability to care about your feelings in this situation, it is possible that he does have a disorder. Without being able to talk to him directly it is hard to tell which, if any, disorder he may have, but his behavior seems to indicate a problem. For you, it is very painful to believe that someone cares about you, makes an emotional connect and wants to be with you only to disappear and refuse to at least tell you why. You have tried many times to contact him but he is not responding which shows that whatever is going on with him, he may only care for himself and not others. People who get into relationships and hurt the other person are often selfishly motivated. And if you are being blamed for his debts, that can be a sign that he was in the relationship for reasons other than honest ones. At this point, you need to start thinking about your own needs. If he is willing to do this to you and hurt you badly, then he is willing to do it again. And he most likely does it to others. So making a clean break and moving on may hurt now, but in the long run you are preventing what might have been a very painful relationship if he was willing to come back. Try to stop contacting him and erase any numbers or contact information so you are not tempted. Talk to friends, family and/or a therapist to help you deal with the pain you have experienced and for help coping with his debt issues and the blame you are getting from them. You need time to heal and to work on not blaming yourself for his issues. You did nothing to make him act as he is with you. And you deserve support while you work on accepting that and moving ahead. It will take time to heal. You have been through a lot. But remind yourself that you did all you could to make things work. And that you need time now to take care of yourself. Focus on your strengths. If you are in treatment already, talk to your doctor and therapist about additional therapy sessions and possibly taking medications or increasing the dose for a while until you work through this time. You will feel better with support and time. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thankyou for your answer, the trouble I am having is I carnt seem to deleate his number and everytime I go onton wattsapp he is online, which as soon as I see this I send him a message to just tell me if its over or not, just so I can move on, and he still doesn't reply to me, yet he is always online, hes doesn't know that I know hes in debt, its only since hes gone that im getting the debt letters for him,, but when he was with me he used to say people who are in debt are stupid etc. I don't know why I miss and love him so much, every relationship I get into all seem to be the same sort of person. ive been told I am very attractive, I make people laugh, and am very kind and caring yet all I do is get used. my doctor is useless and just hands more tablets out. I just wish I could understand why hes gone and why he wont just send a text saying yes Valerie it is over.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like you are repeating a pattern with your relationships. You may be picking out men who hurt you and treat you poorly, possibly to confirm what you feel about yourself. If you grew up abused, neglected or even with divorced parents, you may struggle to have self worth and to understand how you are supposed to be treated by your partners. If that is the case, then you will pick partners that confirm what you feel about yourself. The best way to stop wanting to be with this man or picking partners that hurt you is to work on your self esteem. When you increase your self esteem, you realize that you are worthy of being treated with respect and you will start being attracted to partners who treat you well. Here are some resources to help you get started: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/self-esteem-struggles-and-strategies-that-can-help/ http://www.newharbinger.com/PsychSolve/SelfEsteem/tabid/159/Default.aspx Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence by Nathaniel Branden And if you are seeing a doctor (psychiatrist) only for your treatment, they typically only prescribe and do not do therapy. Consider seeing a psychologist or Master's level therapist. They do talk therapy, which is what you need to recover from low self esteem and to help you end this relationship and find better ones. Ask your doctor for a referral to see a therapist. That will give you the support you deserve. It also helps to realize that this partner has issues that have nothing to do with you. He is damaged in some way and he shows that in how he treats you and others. If he is online all the time but refuses to talk to you or help you with the ending of the relationship, then he is taking out his issues on you. Someone who cared would not do that to you. Try to remove yourself from contact with him (get someone to help you delete his information) and stop looking for him to be online. You are only setting yourself up for more rejection when you contact him, since he will never give you what you need to feel better about yourself. He will only continue to confirm any negative feelings you have about yourself and that will not help you heal and move on. Try to distract yourself, ask for help from friends and family and if you do happen to see him online, either get off the computer or make yourself stop before you do anything else. Keep a rubber band around your wrist and snap it (lightly) each time you are tempted to contact him again (this is reinforcement to help you connect pain with contacting him). Or take a walk or call someone. You have to refocus your attention on yourself right now so you can heal. You deserve better. Kate