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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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How can I learn to trust my husband again? We have known each

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How can I learn to trust my husband again? We have known each other since we were 19, we are both now 46. We were best friends and finally got together as a couple 18 years ago. We are married with two children. A string of events...we lost my father-in-law suddenly 2 years ago, my husband's job has changed drastically in the last 18 mths and sometimes he has had to work away for a few days a week up North. I have had a trapped nerve in my neck the last 6 weeks and therefore not at my best? We are struggling financially like most with young children. These are not excuses, just a bit of background as to the kind of pressure on both of us. Last weekend I discovered purely by accident that he has been sexting on chat forums with two women. He says that he has only been doing it the last couple of months and I do believe him. I understand completely why, when he says that it was just anonymous escapism which kind of became a bit addictive whilst he was away working and he is devastated that he has hurt and betrayed me so badly. All Apps/contacts etc have now been deleted from his phone and laptop. He can't contemplate the thought of not having me or our girls in his life. We have known each other too long and I still love him too much to throw it all away, but I don't know where to start to move on from this. Any advice please?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He says he doesn't recognise himself when he was sexting these two women. He doesn't really know why he did it and truly believes he would never actually physically meet anyone or fo anything it was just escapism. Although I do understand why and how, I can't just forgive and forget and feel so hurt.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. It sounds like you and your husband have both been under enormous stress recently. And your husband was looking for ways to cope when he starting sexting with other women. While that is not a healthy way to cope, it seems that he feels sorry for what he did and is willing to admit it. On your part, you are being very understanding which helps tremendously in repairing your relationship. Trying to rebuild trust is vital when one person strays in a marriage. Although your husband did not have physical contact with these women, what he did is considered cheating. That may help you understand why you feel so hurt and are struggling to forgive. In order to rebuild trust, there are number of steps your husband must take to regain your trust: One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult. It sounds like from your post that your husband is fully aware of what he did and is willing to admit it. However, he must also be sorry for his actions and be willing to show you that. Two, it sounds like he has stopped all contact and removed the apps from his phone that connected him to sexting. He needs to not only remove all traces, but allow you access to his phone and other communication such as email. This is only for a short time but it goes a long way to help you regain your trust when you not only hear him say he is no longer sexting but you can help him prove it by seeing that he has stopped. Three, are the two of you talking about what happened? He needs to be open and honest about what happened and let you ask any questions you need to in order to feel safe again. That means you can ask any questions about what happened and he needs to be open to answering them without anger or resentment. If he understands that this is his fault and that you need his complete honesty in order to recover, then it is much easier to regain trust between you. These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often good relationship counselors. Also, if you have problems affording therapy, try your local community mental health center. They can offer therapy on a sliding scale fee system. Encourage your husband to seek out new ways to cope with the stress you both are experiencing. It may be difficult with young children, but carving out a few hours here or there to do something fun together can help relieve a lot of stress. The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated. Here are some books that may help you: Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman. Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity AfterInfidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. Infidelity in Marriage: A Complete Self-Help Guide to Rebuild Relationship & Recover from Pain: How to Rebuild...by Paterson Keith Remember that you are not alone and that many marriages, when both partners are willing to work together, become even stronger after infidelity. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thankyou do much for your reply. It seems we have been dealing with this the right way instinctively then which is encouraging for rebuilding the trust. He is really sorry and keeps telling me so and I can visibly see how devastated he is to have let me down and hurt me so badly. I am trying to be understanding because I love him so much and he is genuinely a really nice guy. We have done lots of talking this week and he has answered all my questions to try and help me understand. He is really ashamed of himself. The children are on a sleepover this weekend with grandparents, so we have a 'date' planned for Saturday. I know it is going to take a lot of time but I am hopeful for us. I can't talk to family or friends as we have been together forever and although what he did was disrespectful to me, I don't want to spoil his relationships with them. I have taken on board your advice. Thankyou Kate.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
You are very welcome. I am glad to help.
It sounds like you both are approaching this exactly the right way to not only repair your marriage, but make it even stronger. I am encouraged that you both have already started working on the infidelity and that you are continuing to be open with each other and hopeful about your future as a couple.
It is often very difficult to know how to handle friends and family when infidelity occurs. If you feel comfortable not telling others, that is a good way to leave it. Many friends and family feel the need to pick sides and be hostile with the partner that committed the infidelity. However, if you decide that you need the support of a family member or friend, it is okay to tell them. Ask your husband first just to be sure he has no serious objections. And be clear to the person you tell that your husband is working hard to repair your marriage with you and that you wish that they hold no resentment towards him.
My best to both of you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thankyou ūüėä
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! Take care. Kate

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