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Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question
Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I'd like some questions on how to proceed with an individual
I'd like some questions on how to proceed with an individual I have been seeing on and off for almost one year.
I'm 30, and work as a registered nurse. I'm half Asian half white so have a tanned complexion and brown eyes and dark brown hair. I'm not skinny (I'm a UK size 16) but I'm very curvy with a small waist and very large breasts. I'm often told I'm very pretty ( even by strangers for example when grocery shopping), I've worked part time as a plus size model, and I get a lot of attention from men.
However, I had been single for six years as I didn't ever meet anyone I truly clicked with. In January 2015, I met a Scottish emergency medicine doctor. At first he wasn't my type (I prefer light haired geeky looking guys). He is 6ft 5, the proverbial tall dark and handsome. But as I got to know him I fell for him in a big way. He was known at our hospital as being a "tasty dish" and most of the female doctors and nurses fancied him. Despite this he had been single for three years, and said he hadn't met anyone he "truly clicked with". We got on very well at first and he was loving and romantic.
We began a sexual relationship very quickly. We spoke on the phone every day and saw each other regularly. However, on an almost weekly basis he would try to end things with me, saying it "wasn't right" and "isn't healthy". He had been suffering with depression since moving to England from Scotland, and I put his behaviour down to that. I adored him.
A couple of months into our relationship, he told me that he wouldn't want me to be his girlfriend. When I asked why, he told me that I was too dark, and he always wanted a blonde haired blue eyed girl to have his children. He also told me that he wasn't sure he found me attractive. He said he that he thinks I'm beautiful, but that I was the biggest girl he had ever been with and he "wasn't sure he could get used to it", and didn't really like it. He also told me that he found my very large breasts "embarrassing", and that he thinks I wear too much makeup. I was confused by this, as we had a very active sex life. He was very enthusiastic in bed and would insist on having the lights on so he could see my body. He would also ask me to send photos of me in lingerie during the times when I couldn't physically be with him due to work or other commitments.
I was head over heels in love with him, and although this hurt I begged him not to stop seeing me. So we agreed to see each other for sex only. He refused to talk to me on the phone, because he said he "really liked talking to me" and had to stop. On the few occasions we did speak, he would often end conversations because "he was liking me too much".
In July 2015, he told me that he wanted to stop sleeping with me. When I asked why, he told me that it wasn't fair on me and that I had to move on. I was completely devastated, fell into a deep depression and was signed off work as sick by my doctor. During this time, he still texted me and spoke to me about how he get anxious and low. In August 2014 I went to his apartment and stayed for four days. He drank a lot, and we spent four days in bed together. During this time I read messages on his phone and discovered he had started to date a girl in July; first meeting her on the day he had finished things with me. He had met her a few times before deciding he "didn't fancy her" and ending it with her.
I was very hurt that he had done this and lied to me. I also discovered that back in Scotland, he had been seeing a very slim, beautiful model like female doctor that he had finished with because he was moving to England for work. During the time that he had first met me, he had been sending her flowers and gifts to her address in Scotland, before discovering that she was now with someone else.
Despite everything, I was (and still am) hopelessly in love with him, almost to the point of being obsessed with him. I decided I couldn't see him anymore and had to break contact. However I don't know if something could be salvaged. When I read his phone, the new girl he'd been dating had been complaining that he hadn't contacted her, and he had apologised saying he'd been in Latvia. But during the time he had been in Latvia he'd been contacting me. I have now not seen him for four months. He continues to message me. He asks if I've slept with anyone else, saying he "suspects he wouldn't see me again" if I had. He asks to see me every week (for sex). He has said we either have sex or we don't see each other at all. At one point he wanted to meet in the morning when we were both sober to discuss if we should continue having sex. I have not met him and ignore his messages for the most part. I've blocked him on whatsapp.
Three potential avenues are now in my mind:
A) have no contact for 30 days, try to lose 30lbs in 30 days, work out, see him after and then hope he is more attracted to me.
B) forget him and move on (not sure how though!)
C) get pregnant
1 year ago.
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replied 1 year ago.
Hello. It seems very much like this man is using you to do anything he wishes with no thoughts as to what you need. As far as your "options" the 2 which should be completely out of the question would be to lose 30 lbs FOR him and to get pregnant. If you want to lose weight for yourself, that's great, but if you think a man will change how he feels about you by losing weight, that is not the kind of person you should want to be with. You should also never consider getting pregnant and bringing a life into this world with a father who might very likely never be there. He would probably get scared and run away from that situation, leaving you as a single mom. It sounds to me, he does not care for you and just wants to use you at his convenience for sex. You should definitely choose no contact with him for at least 30 days with the goal of completely getting over him and moving on with your life. He has not shown that he cares for you other than sex. He communicates with you when HE wants to, everything is on his terms. This is no way at all to start a relationship. Saying you wear too much make up, are too big and physically "embarrassing" would be enough for most people to end it right there. He should not say such things after leading you on int he beginning. He sounds like someone who needs complete control over others. Threatening to never see you again if you sleep with anyone else is proof of that. You should not want to be with someone who says that! You control you, no one else does. My advice would be to do anything you can to get over him and find someone who will respect you and treat you fairly. You need to work on your own self esteem if he is causing you such depression. If losing weight will help you do that, then by all means, go for it. But make sure it is for YOU and no one else. You should not continue having sex with him, as this is all he wants from you. He asks that you only see each other for sex ? That should be completely unacceptable to someone who has feelings and wants a relationship. He is using you. Cut off all contact with him. There is no easy way to get over someone. It will take time and you will need to retrain your mind to think of other things. Keep busy with work, hobbies, anything. There is no one magic answer which will make it an easy solution. You can't just wake up one day and feel 100% fine with it. break ups are hard, they are painful and difficult. You need to go through some of that, until you tell yourself you are better than that and deserve much better than what he has shown you. You can do it. Understand it will take time. Move on. It will be the best decision you can make.
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replied 1 year ago.
Thanks, ***** ***** does make sense, as hard as it was to hear. Just wondered if you have any more advice on how to get over him? I have been given antidepressants by my doctor and I had therapy but didn't find it helped. I feel I'm obsessed with this man in a very unhealthy way, but my doctor is largely unsympathetic and told me to find someone else or get back with him ( completely missing the point). I'm otherwise an accountable and responsible professional woman but I feel I've lost my mind with this man and not sure what to do. This cycle has been ongoing for almost a year and I don't know how to break it.
replied 1 year ago.
I understand how hard it is. The bot***** *****ne is, the only one who can break the cycle. You are the one who holds the key to being able to move on. It's all in your control and it's all within your mind. You are going to have to find the strength to tell yourself, "you know what ? I don't deserve to be treated this way, I can do better for myself!"That is what you need to find within. It may take several different methods to figure out what works for you individually. What do you enjoy doing ? Do you have any hobbies, close friends, etc... which you like to spend time with ? Find something to get your mind off of him. Pick up a good book, immerse yourself in it. Find something physical to do maybe ? Hiking ? Walking ? It isn't going to be an easy path. You can't pretend that it will be. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad on some days, it's all in the process. Accept that today might be a down day, but tomorrow you will feel better. Your mind is a powerful thing. Use it. He did not treat you well. Be mad about it, not sad. You can do this. Find what works for you and do it. You deserve better. Remember that.
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