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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3527
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I'm a woman who has had a relationship with another woman over

Customer Question

I'm a woman who has had a relationship with another woman over many years. ( previously straight and married) The relationship has been intense and amazing, but I crave a normal relationship with a man. I don't want to loose, my wonderful friend, and I'm not sure if a relationship with a man would ever be as good. I just want to be in love openly and lead a normal life and I can't do that with my friend. I have been on a date with a few men but haven't really fancied them. The thought of being with a man again makes me nervous but I feel I have to end my relationship with my friend and try to be with a man. I am worried my friend will disown me and that would break my heart. I sound very selfish and not sure what to do...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Let's remove the negative self talk such as you are are just o=working through some tough feelings. I am interested to know whey you believe you cannot live and open and free life with this woman? Is needs to stay hidden or is that coming from you? I hear the tremendous love that you both have so let's look at that. I hear that you are wanting, almost forcing the idea to be with a man as that is what you believe to be more acceptable, but I am not sure that I hear that will bring you true joy and happiness if your heart and desires are elsewhere. Living your life freely and openly is your choice so what prevents that from being?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We both want it hidden. We both have children and I don't want to complicate or embarrass my children. I am not strong enough to not care what people think.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your honesty and I am sorry for that space because I hear the love. Follow your heart and your gut, but it is not selfish to do what needs to be done. Yes there will be pain but be open with hethe and discuss your feelings.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I'm here to process it all.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I want to add that your insight into yourself is wonderful and how you know where your strength is and where it isn't. You both deserve happiness and fulfillment and while I wish it could be different for both of you and you could feel free to live your life openly and with each other, I understand your feelings about it. I would be as open with her as you can and let her know where you are on things and what you feel you need to do.
My worry is that a man won't be able to fill what is truly in your heart. I am here to continue supporting you...let's keep talking about it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have told her that I want to date a man to try and understand what I think is or isn't going to make me happy. She has told me I must make myself happy but meanwhile I can't have any contact. The loss of contact is killing me as she is my best friend and that is the hardest part of it all.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I am glad you are being open with her...It is excruciating for both of you and clearly it would be too hard for her to see you with someone else possibly making a life with them and that is why no contact works for her. For painful, but it is clear that if you make that choice all the doors close for you. There is no right or wrong way here..only what you can both do to feel happy and satisfied, but sadly she seems content with things as they are and you want to try something different. The pain is there for both. Tel me why now you want to take a different course?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have wanted to do it for awhile but my feelings for her stopped me and the thought of her not in my life was too painful. But I'm getting older and might not get many other chances
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
To meet a man as they tend to go for younger woman!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I hear you but I am still unclear why you believe you are supposed to meet a man and that time is running out. You have kids, have love, although a secret one, so what does being with a man provide, security?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Let me know how I can support you further. I am here. If all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yes you are right I want safety and security and to be open in a relationship. If I go to a party or event I have someone to go with. Someone to share my life with completely not just half the time...
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I understand that. I hear your love and care for her and I know how hard it will be to say good bye to her.
TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Come back to me anytime you need some support. Thank you for the positive rating. I am here if you need me.