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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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A married man has left his wife and wants to start a

Customer Question

Hi
A married man has left his wife and wants to start a relationship with me. He says I'm his soulmate. He's about 25 years older than me. Here are some of the things that are concerning me:-
1. He only left his wife when she found some messages between us - he's moved out. He told me he would have done it at a certain point to minimise damage to his family but I can never know that;
2. He's told me that the relationship was effectively dead. His children are grown up and were not surprised by the break up (I've seen some messages). Again, I can never know that;
3. I've just come out of a 7 year relationship. He never tried anything with me when I was in the relationship, but pretty much as soon as we broke up he changed and it all sort of snowballed. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I do feel a connection with him but I worry about it's sustainability;
4. He's told me he would like children with me;
5. He's still married. He's moved out but he's still married.
I'm totally confused. One minute I think he's so perfect for me it hardly matters. The next I think I should never see him again.
Any guidance appreciated.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 11 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. It sounds like you have some serious concerns about your relationship all of which are valid. Anytime you are involved with someone and one of you is in a relationship, particularly a marriage, there is going to be some cross over and especially some questioning about motives and trust. From your list of concerns, it seems that your partner is not motivated on his own to be with you but was prompted more by his wife forcing him to leave. The fact that he is still married is also of concern, particularly if he has not made any major moves towards getting a divorce. There are also trust issues as a result of your partner's claims and your inability to confirm them. You are right, it is going to be hard to know if he is being truthful when he says his marriage is dead, especially if he only left his wife when she forced him to. And at this point, he can tell you anything he likes because you have no way to confirm the truth. It may be that he fears you leaving him now that he no longer is with his wife. But that is going to be difficult for you to tell based only on his word. Also, note how much he is listening to your needs and what you want for your relationship. When you get involved with someone who is still married, the relationship is often one sided with the married person dictating how the relationship progresses based on their own issues with their married partner. But if your partner is listening to what you need and is trying to balance your relationship, then it may be worth waiting this out. For example, if your partner cares if you want children with him as well. And he is motivated to make your relationship work based on what you want out of it. If you feel there is enough reason to be with your partner and wait the situation out, that is the best way to tell what his motivations are about you and your relationship. You can let him know that when he does divorce, you are willing to start your relationship again. Then stop seeing him until his marriage is truly over. That will tell you a lot about his motivation to be with you. If you decide to wait this out, it is important that you both take the relationship slowly and build trust between you. If you are questioning whether or not you trust him now, you will need proof when you are finally together to know you can trust him. It takes time to build trust in any relationship, but especially when you start out with a partner who just ended their marriage. However, if you feel there are trust issues and that your partner is not motivated enough to end his marriage in order to be with you, then it may be better to move on. You don't want your needs pushed to the side while your partner takes his time with ending his marriage. At this point, you have been coping with your partner and his marriage with little focus on you. You deserve to have your partner's full attention, no matter who that partner might end up being. Sometimes you need to put yourself first, especially when the person you are with does not. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

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