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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2927
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I hope you can give me some advice... My boyfriend and

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Hi.
I hope you can give me some advice...
My boyfriend and I have been together 2 and a half years though we have never lived together. eHe is 36, I am 38 and my eldest daughter who still lives at home is 19 and is very beautiful and womanly. I also have 3 younger children. Over the past year on 4 different occasions whilst me and my bf have been intoxicated, my boyfriend has said things, for instance asking if I would let him have sex with her. Obviously I was not at all pleased. The first two times. I didn't make a big deal. I am always scared he will end the relationship. I love him so much. He is a bit of a commitment phobe and doesn't like drama. The third time he said something was on Christmas eve night...myself him and my daughter were sitting round having a nice time (intoxicated) and he said in front of her "can't I just have sex with both of you". I had a go it him. My daughter left the room feeling akward and uncomfortable of course.
anyway after I'd had a go at him I let it go as Christmas was the next day and I didn't want the day to be ruined. I did think I'd made my feelings clear this time though as I was visibly angry and upset.
Two nights after this, my bf and I were about to make love, when he said , so why won't you let me play with her then"? I went absolutely mad. I smacked round the face and shouted at him asking what he was trying to do. He was visably sorry and seemed surprise how angry and upset I was. I was mortified. But I love him sooo much. He kept saying how sorry he was and that it was just a stupid fantasy. He saidi could see now how upset it made me and would mever mention it again. This was the first time he has told me how much he loves me and ive known and felt he meant it. We have put it behind us and things fine between us all but I can't help feeling sometimes that he is thinking of her and coming round to see me as well as my daughter, though he never flirts or acts inappropriatly towards her.
please advise me what I should do if anything at all?
Sincerely
kelly
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Hi Kelly, thanks for sharing this information which is very painful. His behavior is inappropriate and out of line. I am glad you were able to speak up about it rather than just let him see your anger but not address it. I am hoping it is behind you now and he can see how his behavior is out of line. To address your other question of whether he is thinking of her..there is no way to truly know but my hunch is yes...and that is why it keeps coming up and he keeps asking for you to let it happen. Is there a way to stop him from thinking of it? No, stated simply. It is normal for all people to fantasize and think of others at times and look at others, but this is your daughter, and a young daughter...yes, 19, but still your young daughter. I would let things play out and see what comes up around this, especially when there is alcohol involved as that is when he seems free to say as he pleases. If it comes up again, I would, in a quiet moment, address it. You need to ask him what this is all about and how you can put this behind you. It is also terribly uncomfortable for your daughter and I am wondering if the two of you spoke about it so she can feel okay moving forward.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Let me know your thoughts.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We did and our relationship is fine. And her and my bf relationship is fine too. But I can't help thinking that something could happen if the situation arose. For instance there is an event coming up that she is going to with her friend and I know that it is on the cards that my bf might be going with his friends though they don't know that the other person might be going. Of course I am invited by my bf but if I can't get a babysitter I won't be going, then they will both be there without me. I'm 99.9% sure nothing would happen. But you do hear of these things... :/ ??
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
This is a terrible way for you to have to live...to worry that if you are not there on guard that something could happen. I do not hear that your daughter wants any part of this with him..is that correct? If that is the case then from that end you are just fine. If you are worried that he makes a move then this causes big red flags for me and yes, I know you love him, but this needs to be addressed more in your talks with him.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Let me know how else I can support you. If all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. I do not receive credit for my time without it. Thanks in advance for a positive rating.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry for taking so long to reply. Kids tea time etc!
I'm pretty sure that's correct. I know when I first got with him she told me he was fit, as he is! But I don't think she fancies him and me and her are extremely close so I would like to think that mine and my daughters' relationship comes before anything else to her AND me. Are you sure I'm not doing wrong by staying with him after this? My daughter obviously means everything to me and he is the absolute love of my life.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I am glad to hear that your relationship is strong with her. Keep talking to her and if it comes up, please keep addressing it with him. I know you love him and want to stay with him and I can't argue against that. Just keep your eye open for things and talk to him if this continues to arise.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thankyou so much for your help. I feel this is quite taboo and most of my friends would just tell me to dump him and there is no way I would even think of speaking with my mum about it! So now it is just my mind I have to deal with now which is usually fine until the paranonoir creeps in, which is why I took the step of contacting you.
I don't feel I can keep talking to my friend about it as she has enough going on in her life. Thank you again
regards
kelly
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I will be sure to leave you a rating :)
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I am so glad you reached out Kelly. A lot of people will always give their views but that does not mean that is what is right for you...only you can decide that. Keep communicating and if there is any hint of that talk again or crossing any lines, then you will have some additional things to think about. I am here if you need me. Thank you for the positive rating in advance.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2927
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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