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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 715
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Ok so me and my now ex boyfriend broke up a week ago. We had

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Ok so me and my now ex boyfriend broke up a week ago. We had been dating for 8 months and it was pretty serious between us. He has been talking to another girl since the day we broke up and he says he likes her. Last night I was in a really bad place and didn't want to go home so he let me stay at his flat. He was hesitant at first but he eventually agreed. He was supposed to meet this new girl last night to go see a movie together. As soon as we got back to his place he was his normal self, even happy that I was there!
When we got there I was freezing so he took off my top, my bra and my jeans and helped me change into another set of his clothes. I told him I would sleep on the floor and he asked "do you mind if we sleep in the same bed?" I said no I don't mind, we will sleep like upside down and he just said no it's fine we can sleep in the same bed. Anyway after I got dressed he lifted me into his bed, wrapped me up in blankets and then ordered a pizza for us both. He told me that even though we are broken up he still wants to see me happy and doesn't like seeing me upset. He said we can still hang out all the time and we are still best friends and that if this new girl has a problem with that then he wouldn't see her anymore.
Pizza arrives, we are watching tv in his bed and I'm trying so hard not to make this situation awkward and just treat him as a friend. He started cuddling up to me, kissing me on the forehead and cheek. Eventually we got bored of watching tv so he turned off the light and we just listened to music and talked and just messed around just being really playful like we normally do. He gave me a back massage so immediately took off my shirt and layed me down on the bed so I was completely topless but he couldn't see anything. He said its nothing he hasn't seen before so it wasn't weird. Anyway after that we decided to sleep.
There was light coming in through the window so we could still kind of see each other. He was just staring at me so I stared at him back. He again cuddled up to me, repeatedly kissing me on the cheek and forehead. Then he started getting too hands on. I was pretty convinced that he doesn't cuddle and kiss all of his friends in bed, but this was definitely a step too far. I didn't know what to do, he was just looking into my eyes the whole time. Eventually he said we should stop, I didn't do anything! After he said that I didn't look at him and it just went silent. Then out of no where he says he still loves me, and he can't just switch off his feelings for me. I didn't know what to do. He had been on and off with me since he broke up with me and then the last I spoke to him before yesterday said he chooses this other girl and we will probably never get back together. I just ran to the bathroom. I felt sick. A couple of minutes I came back into the room and I said after everything you've done this week do not start saying things like this to me again, it's so confusing! He said I know, I really do mean it. I just said well it's gonna be difficult for you to have a proper relationship with this new girl if you still love someone else. He said he was sorry he said it because he didn't want to give me false hope. He also told me not to interfere with him and this new girl, I wasn't even thinking of doing that.
Anyway after that he went back to cuddling me, he wanted me to spoon him and he kept kissing me like he had been all night. I said to him "you do realise if your new girl could see what had happened tonight she wouldn't be very happy right?" He said he knows it was bad and that he had to tell her about what happened last night. I'm sorry but that is not how you treat your friends. He could have easily done all this with her he doesn't need me there for someone to cuddle etc. He told me again this morning we can still be friends and still hang out and even have sleepovers. He said again he would tell this other girl what had happened but he still plans to go for her. I know if I was her I would not be able to cope with my boyfriend being so close to his ex. Having sleepovers, sleeping in the same bed...I would draw the line at sleepover never mind the bed thing. I just don't know what to do. It's like he expects to still be that close to me but not be in a relationship. I still love him, he was the one that called the relationship off not me. Last night was the first time we had seen each other in 2 weeks. I just don't know what to do, he can't have me that close when he's seeing another girl! They aren't "official" yet but they have met up a couple of times. He told me he's told her all about me, according to him she now knows everything about me and he started talking to her the day we broke up because he was hurt. At the time he thought I had cheated on him but I hadn't. When I went to his flat yesterday everything I had bought him or made for him was still there in his room and he said he wasn't going to get rid of anything. I'm so confused.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
My bad time was that I have depression. I was diagnosed a week ago and my ex didn't understand how bad it was. Yesterday it all got too much and I thought I wanted to end it all. Everyone went looking for me but he found me and took care of me.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Hi, I am Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Do you want to talk on the phone or Skype? Or do you prefer to talk on here? What I will do is send you the JUST ANSWER form to talk by those other means. If you would rather stay in this more and chat, just please let me know, and I will respond. Will send form now. Hang in there,--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I would rather just talk on here if that's ok with you?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I'm just so confused, I have never been in this situation before.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
On here is fine. It is a little after 2 pm Eastern Time. I have several appointments back to back but should be able to get back on here around 4 pm. I hope that is OK. I wkll provde some suggestions then. :) --Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Ok sounds good! Looking forward to hearing your suggestions
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
He proved to me last night that he does still care, and I mean a lot. He came and found me and he even let me stay at his. There was a point in the night where I got up and sat on the floor to check my phone. He woke up and realised I wasn't lying next to him and jumped up then saw me on the floor and just kept saying his heart was beating so fast because he was scared I disappeared again. He just hugged me so tight until I promised him I wasn't going to leave until the morning.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Unfortunately we had a minor accident at my kid's game...we should be home after 7 Eastern. We have to get injury checked out unfortunately. Sorry about the times! I will still reply as soon as we get home and settled so that you should have it late tonight or early whenever you ride. Thank you!
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
It's ok! I hope everything's ok :)
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Hi, I'm back now so I'm just going to re-read your post and start a reply. :) Thanks for your kind words. (He has a nice cast but at least he will get his friends to sign it tomorrow. :) )
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
OK I first want to say that I am sympathetic to your depression and have had many clients who have gone through/are going through/diagnosed with depression. Fortunately many of them are helped with SSRI's or other anti-depressants, so I am hopeful you are able to get something if your MD believes it to be helpful.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
And I am so sorry that you contemplated ending it all. I know some of the cliches and you probably have head all of this before, so I'm not going to say, "Whatever it is, it's not worth dying for." Anything like that I know must sound unsympathetic and that people may not be taking you seriously in your consideration of ending your life. And I know that when you get that low, you DO feel like it is the end and it's hopeless. I know because my own husband (who gave me permission to share) as well as some clients have described exactly that. So I do want to add to the first point that I am so glad that so far you have not followed through with that decision. And I will also add that I hope you keep putting it off and keep trying to look for hope in the future--because you do not know for sure what tomorrow will be like. And at some point you will likely feel better so it's good to keep waiting for that. :) So I'm glad you are still here!!!
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Second, it sounds like your boyfriend is so confused about what he wants. I cannot seem to find where you may have indicated a reason(s) why you broke up. Is it at least in part due to your depression? If so, do you think he would not be able to or willing to handle it? I am asking because your answer may impact some of my recommendations. Continuing on, on one hand, he seems to either have had an unusually incredible bout of "good luck" in meeting someone the day you broke up...unless he had known her before and just started striking up some conversation shortly after the break-up. If it is the latter and he had actually known her before, it indicates that although yes, he cares about you, he is not yet at the point where he can make a commitment. If he could, he would not have been so quick to jump into another relationship. Yet ironically while he is with this other girl, he is enjoying intimacy with you. I don't see anywhere that you two had sex, which would have indicated clear betrayal of his relationship with the other girl. However, I definitely agree with you in that we know she would not be pleased by his actions with you and likely would be very hurt. According to a lot of research, many women consider "emotional cheating" (like what you shared along with very serious talking and supportive behaviors, etc.) to be as bad if not even WORSE than actual physical cheating. So the fact that he has done this willingly with you and ESPECIALLY his adding that he would do it again if you want to "still hang out and even have sleepovers!" You know this is not right. And if he is truthful and tells his girlfriend about your sleeping in the same bed together last night, I can't imagine she will be pleased.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
So this leads me to my third and final point for now--do you think he will tell her? Is he honest enough to do that? And if so, then that might make a difference in what you decide to do. However, if he hides your time together from her, then that tells me he is trying to "have it both ways." In other words, he wants to have his girlfriend but he also finds emotional intimacy with you very appealing and wants to continue that. And then you have to ask yourself if you truly would want to be with someone who likely would not take your relationship as seriously as you do because if he is "emotionally cheating" on her, what is to say he would not do that to you if YOU were his girlfriend again? And I do not think you would want to be with someone who is dishonest. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve a faithful, honest partner who can help you through this dark period.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Now, back to the flip side--if he does tell her the truth and she breaks up with him (this is very likely), then he may want to resume a relationship with you. And then you will need to weigh the pros and cons. We can discuss that if you would like, or do you want to wait and see if you are going to find out if he has told/is telling his girlfriend about you?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
I will respond more to this after I receive some answers to what I have given you so far to think about. Thank you in advance for your response, and again, I am so glad you have chosen to try to see a positive light into the future. :) I will check back on here in the morning. Take good care,--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
When I was diagnosed a week ago they did put me on anti depressants. Since I have only been on them a week they haven't started to take effect yet.2 weeks ago just after he left for Christmas break he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore and told me he was unhappy but he wasn't sure why. We decided to have a 2 week break and then talk in person when he got back. The first week was up and I was feeling so low, I had literally just been thinking of him the whole time so I decided to go out on a night out with my sister, her boyfriend and a few of his mates. Nothing happened on this night out, but once he saw the pictures from the night he didn't like the fact I was being so close with other guys and thought I had cheated on him. I can assure you I never cheated on him and have never even dreamed of doing so! Anyway that's when he broke up with me. He cried all night (he never ever cries) and then the following day he started talking to this other girl. He does know of her, but they haven't talked to each other properly up until last week. He told her what I had supposedly done and they have been talking ever since. He said she makes him feel special and he thinks they have a lot in common and he does like her. Like I said, they aren't officially together, at the minute they are talking and meeting up but not officially in a relationship.When I finally met up with him the other day he confessed he had been having doubts since November. We have a week off during first semester and we spent pretty much all that week together. Funnily enough this is when my symptoms of depression started. I started feeling sick and tired all the time and just felt really unhappy for no reason. He told me to go to the doctors but I thought it would pass so I didn't. I didn't realise it was anything serious and I certainly didn't realise it was depression.During the week between him breaking up with me and us finally meeting up again he was really on and off. We were just talking as friends, then he said he wanted to give it another shot with me and started flirting and said he had really missed talking to me. Then he was saying he didn't know how much he loved me but he wanted to build up the trust again. That is when he announced he was talking to another girl and obviously I did not respond well. This was the last time we spoke before we met up again. Throughout this time he had been telling me he wasn't even sure if I loved him as much as I said I did. He had said he wasn't sure if he made me happy. The last conversation we had when he announced this other girl he kept asking what would change if we did get back together. I said there was no point telling him everything I had realised over the break but he eventually got it out of me. He then asked me how much I loved him. He then said he will go for this new girl, then when it gets tough with her he will come back to me and asked if I would be waiting there for him. Obviously I said no. When I met with him I asked why he said that and he said he shouldn't have said it and he wants me to move on.When I disappeared the other night everyone was out looking for me. He met with my mum at our university along with the police. My mum told him that he only had to stay until she knows I'm safe, then he can go and just go back to his life. She told him that the last thing I need right now is him sticking around giving me false hope because it was just making me ill.As for whether or not he will tell this other girl about how close he was with me, I'm not sure. I mean at the time he seemed pretty keen to tell her, and then again when we woke up in the morning he seemed pretty keen. He is genuinely a nice honest guy, and I am happy he told me he had been talking to someone else. Whether he can do the same thing to her though I don't know. If he did tell her I don't think he would tell her right away, and I don't think he would tell me if he had told her anyway and I don't think it's my place to ask him about it.Hearing all that from my mum though...he is either incredibly stupid to do what he did that night and carry on the way he did or he has a decision to make. I mean when my mum is in tears telling him what she did he would be a complete and utter idiot to then go ahead and do what he did. If he wants to go and cuddle and kiss her all night he can, I told him I'm not going to stand in the way of the two of them. At the same time I just don't know what to do. A part of me thinks if I stick around long enough he will come back to me, and then another part of me tells me that if I stick around I'm only going to continue getting hurt. He swore to me he would not push me out of his life for a girlfriend. I thought for sure after everything that happened the other night he would finally realise he can't just say things to me and kiss and cuddle me. If he did realise that then why do what he did? If he hasn't realised that then he really is stupid.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Part of me thinks if I stay and be his friend we will reconnect as friends again and get that spark back without the pressure of being in a relationship. That's how we ended up dating in the first place. He told me a couple of weeks ago he thought the spark had gone between us and then we meet for just one night and the spark is back. But then like I said, if I stick around I may just end up getting hurt again. I am genuinely just so confused as to what he wants.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I told him when I left his flat the other day I would text him in a few days when I was ready to. I'm going on a date tonight, not because I'm interested in this guy but because the last time an ex dumped me going out and being treated by a guy for one night helped build my confidence again. I'm getting my hair redone tomorrow and going to the movies on Friday. I feel like I shouldn't tell my ex about the date and everything, but then again he said we are just friends and he told me he was talking to another girl so he shouldn't really be bothered if I'm seeing other people or not, right?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
One more interesting thing. When I went to see him I gave him back the necklace he gave me for my birthday. Then I left his flat in a right state, went to my house, bagged up all of his stuff and left it on the sofa and told my housemates if they see him to give him his stuff back. They didn't care about that, they were just trying to calm me down. I then left and that's when everyone started looking for me. What I didn't know was that when my mum met up with my ex she gave him the bag of his stuff and he started rummaging through it. He must have taken it back to his flat before he came to meet me. Once we got back to his flat he gave me back the necklace. I still at this point didn't know anyone had given him his stuff back. I didn't want to put it back on at first, normally when I break up with someone I get rid of everything so I can move on. He just said "please but it back on?" So I agreed and he put it back on for me. He's only ever had one relationship before and he is still friends with her, but they hardly ever see each other. They don't arrange to meet up and they rarely speak to each other. Doesn't he realise that asking me to actually be best friends with him still and do all these things together is completely different to what he has with his only other ex?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Hi there, I am again sorry that you are going through all of this. Your details have really helped me see more of the "big picture," so thank you for that! So just so that I am clear, you are saying that the reasons you broke up (he broke up with you, it seems) is because 1) He was not sure of his feelings,2) He was not sure of YOUR feelings3) He thinks you cheated4) He did not / does not understand depression and mistakes that for an inability to "make you happy"5) He thinks you will be there waiting for him if nothing pans out with anyone else If the above assessment is correct, then the first two should not be factors anymore. And I can't find anywhere where you said he now know you did not cheat. I would urge you to make it clear to him that you did not cheat. If he believes you were unfaithful to him, it would be natural for him to have doubts and go back and forth like he apparently is doing right now. In fact, I do get the sense he cares for you a lot, not just as a friend, but as more, according to the "spark" you shared the other night. So if trust is one of the factors holding him back, he needs to know the truth. And even that is not the only reason, I truly believe you need to make him understand you did not cheat. I think it will build your confidence more when you see that he believes you and does not believe something that is contrary to your character. Does that make sense? Of course, you should clarify #4 and #5 also so that he knows how you feel. Additionally, regarding your mum's involvement--first, it is so good to hear you have a strong supportive person in your life. Some of my clients do not have that support, so I am really glad she is looking out for your best interests. That said, do you think he thinks your mum was over-reacting the other night? I believe you when you say he is an honest, good guy. So why would he not take your mum's words seriously about hurting you? Third, I agree that it is not your place to ask if he told the other girl about your night together. I had asked thinking that they were a couple. But now that you have clarified that they are not really a couple, then I agree--he did not really emotionally cheat on her like I believed when I thought they were together. Fourth and maybe most importantly, I know for many of my clients, it does take awhile for anti-depressants to really take full effect. However, after 2 weeks, you should notice at least some improvement. If you have not, I encourage you to go back to the doctor who prescribed this medicine and let him/her know so far that it is ineffective. I am guessing you should have a follow-up appointment soon anyway to chart your progress (or lack of progress)? I would try to schedule that today or tomorrow--ASAP--so that your doctor can try something else if s/he deems it appropriate. Some medications just do not work on everyone, so you and your doctor can work together to try to find something that will work for you. Please let me know what you think. I hope you are feeling a bit better. --Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I told him over and over that I did not cheat, and I doubt he thought my mum was overreacting. That night it's like he was trying not to say and do these things but he couldn't help himself. I told him the same thing my mum told him before I left his and lost it. I don't want to bring up what happened between me and him at his flat in case it makes things awkward. Theres no point me bringing it up because nothing would come from it. I doubt he's had this big realisation that he made a mistake leaving me. My mum did tell him that basically he has no idea how much I love him, and after the events of that night there's no way he can doubt how much I love him anymore. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. Is he just taking advantage of me or is there still some feelings there that may be making him rethink about this? There's nothing I want more than to be with him again and do all the things he's said he wants us to do together but I can't do it if he's 100% serious with this other girl. If he's not sure about her and is just kind of using her to replace me then it's different. There definitely was a spark the other night because he clearly wanted something to happen. I'm just so confused!I do plan on going back to the doctors again after what happened, maybe he will increase the dosage of the pills I don't know. In the meantime I really don't know what to do about my ex. He's always been really indecisive, it takes him half an hour just to choose what he wants to order from take out, and he's really hard to read. He doesn't really show his emotions unless he's happy, and he always tries to remain calm.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I just can't talk to him about his I feel anymore. I looked him right in the eyes while holding his face telling him how much I love him. If I start talking to him about is being together again he might just say we can't be friends anymore. I honestly don't know how serious he is about this other girl.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.
Hi again, I feel like I am not helping you (the only way experts really know for sure is if our customers rate us) despite the hours and effort put into my responses, so do you want me to opt out and let another expert try to help you more? If I am helping, then my suggestion is that since you have made the 5 things on my list clear, you need to distance yourself for awhile. I'm not saying you can't be friends, but for now it seems like you need time apart from him to make yourself stronger and build your confidence like you stated. Being around him is one of your depression triggers, it seems. And it certainly does not help you to feel confused and be left wondering how things really are, if he DOES want to be back in a relationship, etc. This is all unfair to you. Since he does know how you feel, and because you have indicated his indecisiveness, I suggest giving another "cooling off period" where you can try to focus your energies on yourself, your self-esteem and confidence, you going out with friends, etc. This is one of the biggest times of your life to meet new friends while you are in your studies. So I hope you use that to the fullest. In the meantime, it will be good for him to not see you because that will help him realize what his feelings truly are for you. I am so glad you are going back to the doctor--please try to be seen ASAP. You deserve to start feeling better and happier and more focused on the positive things in your life! :) Let me know if you want to continue or what you want to do. Best,--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Hello again.I have an appointment at the doctors for next week. Hopefully they will provide a doctors note so I don't lose my job and don't completely fail my upcoming exams.I asked my ex if he would be up for a movie night and he said definitely but it will have to be next week because he's busy this weekend. He also said, and I quote "of course it's ok you staying over!" So now I'm supposed to be staying at his on Monday night.I also don't think he told the other girl about the last time I stopped over. I don't know if they are still talking but they probably are. If they are then she's either really desperate or he didn't tell her.Do I go to this sleepover? Maybe he won't flirt with me this time and just treat me as a friend? I feel like I should go just to see how he acts around me. If he flirts again then I have to make him choose, it's either her or me. Either way I can't keep being just his friend. I feel like he's just trying to keep me in his life as an option in case this thing with the other girl doesn't work out. I guess I'm just curious as to what he will do on this sleepover. That and I miss spending time with him.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Also you said I needed to rate you, how do I do that? I'm new to this site haha

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