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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5807
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I am an attractive 62 year old English lady, and my partner

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I am an attractive 62 year old English lady, and my partner of nearly three years is a 42 year old Muslim man. He works as a bus driver and during his training he was asked by his 'mentor', another 60 year old driver who trains new recruits to the job, to give a mother and a young daughter of thirteen years of age, free rides on the buses. The mother, I believe, was once in a relationship with the old 'mentor', but he has since married. The bus company are being defrauded of their revenues. The two people concerned use the buses all the time, and this theft has been going on for years. However, I think one ought to certainly stand one's ground, and refuse to enter into such deceit, since if the management found out what was happening, the driver would be dismissed. My partner felt he had to go along with the request to give free rides. The young girl in question developed a 'crush' on my partner. The girl and her mother sent him constant texts, so they could travel on whatever bus he was driving, for free. My partner had been warned, two years ago, by the 'mentor', about why he was texting such a young child. It naturally raises concerns, and it seems as though he was 'grooming' a vulnerable child, obese and of somewhat limited intelligence, with no father. I was extremely upset and shocked,when I discovered last summer what had been transpiring between my partner and the young girl. They had been exchanging many texts and calls, and free bus rides were taken frequently. My partner said he would put an end to all this and stop the mother and her daughter contacting him, and I thought all was settled.
Two weeks ago however I discovered that my partner has the young girl's phone number in his mobile, and clearly the free rides and calls and texts were continuing. He deletes the texts as soon as they were sent and received, so they could not be seen.
Two days ago he left the house ostensibly to pay a quick visit to a friend, but during this time I believe he called the girl and told her why he had been off work for a week, and why she had not seen him on the buses. Later that night she sent him a text saying ' Night, night, baby,xxxx love you xxx'.
Naturally I became extremely upset. I had not had any peace of mind since I realised he still had her mobile number in his phone. I had been trying to 'bottle things up' for a peaceful life, since he does spend a lot of time with me. But reading that sort of thing was deeply painful. I told him of my concerns since the girl is so young, and this has been going on for years. She is now fifteen. My partner told me that he had, amazingly, told the girl and her mother that he had finished with me last year,(when I expressed initial shock and I was upset over the situation, and called the mother to express concern), and he wanted to placate them
.As we spoke, he then became argumentative and violent, and could not control himself. He struck me many times, and began throwing anything he could lay his hands on, at me. He clearly did not like being discovered in his deceit. He then went into my garage, ( he lives with me in my property), selected a hammer, and I thought he was going to strike me with it. Instead he smashed his expensive mobile phone up. Then he left my house and went home to his mother's house, a mile away. The first time he smashed his phone was when I discovered child pornography on his computer, and he once again became violently angry to have been discovered.
He has a police record for grievous bodily harm towards his former wife, whom he had been forced to marry in a Asian 'arranged' wedding.He also has theft on his police record.We had been getting along well up until I made these discoveries about the continuing contact and texts from the girl, but I do not feel that I can continue the relationship whilst he continues to contact this girl, and continues to work as a bus driver, operating more or less as a free taxi service for this girl. He does not like the boring job, and says he would like to have more time to spend saying his 'prayers', since Muslims are supposed to pray a lot. He is a hypocrite.
Since the girl is so young, it seems as though he has been 'grooming' her, and together with the earlier discovery of child pornography, it makes one naturally deeply concerned.
As a character, he seems at times, rather immature. He enjoys spending hours playing mindless violent games on his PS4 game machine etc... and watching childish comic-hero 'Marvel' style films.His inability to control himself and violent outbreaks, is extremely worrying, and implies guilt.Should I take action against what is happening here, should someone be informed about the 'grooming'? Especially in the light of my partner's police record, and his illegal viewing of child pornography, last year. Should the bus company be informed of the theft and free rides etc.?
I
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions. The first consideration in this situation is your safety. You mentioned that your partner was violent towards you and has a past history of hurting his ex wife which it sounds like he was convicted for. Because he shows that he is capable of extreme violence towards others as well as you, it is imperative that you remove yourself from the situation and go to a safe place. That may be with relatives, friends, a shelter or the police. Once you are safe, reporting what you have witnessed with your partner to the police is important. Because the situation involves two adults (your partner and the girl's mother) and a minor, who appears to be the victim here, it is important that the situation be reported to the authorities. They will know how to handle it from there. Reporting what you witnessed to the bus company is most likely better left to the police. Again your safety is priority here and the more you leave for the police to deal with, the better. You want to allow them to deal with the situation since they are trained to handle it. Right now, it is important that you protect yourself and work on recovery from such a difficult and emotional situation. Along with protecting yourself, you may want to seek therapy to deal with the emotional and physical abuse you have suffered through. Being in a relationship with someone who is violent and is a perpetrator can have emotional effects that you may not be aware of now but that will show themselves later on, when you are safe. A therapist can help you navigate your recovery from abuse. Also, seek support from trusted friends and family. You deserve support right now while you work through this trauma. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your reply. The house I live in has belonged to me for thirty years. The property is in my sole name, so I don't see how I can leave it. My partner came to live with me here two and a half years ago. My two adult daughters also live in the house with me. I keep the doors locked, and there is a locked porch and locked front door. My partner went off to his mother's house yesterday, a mile away from my house, and he is there now, I believe. Reading your reply has made me feel afraid. I now feel somewhat frightened as to what he might do if the police are consulted, yet I feel it is vital that this matter is indeed reported. He has played on the young girl's feelings appallingly, and continues to do so, as well as treated me to mental and physical abuse....
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! If the home belongs to you, then it is still okay to report the situation to the police. I meant that in the short term, until the police deal with the situation, that you may want to seek safety elsewhere. You will still retain ownership of your home but removing yourself (and your daughters if possible) from the situation temporarily keeps you safe from him and allows the police to deal with the situation. You want to protect yourself first then deal with the rest. There is no guarantee that your partner will react at all to the police becoming involved, but protecting yourself just in case is wise. You also should consider reporting the child's situation since she is a minor and is most likely being abused in some way. Her safety is also paramount and if you are aware of the situation, then reporting it to the police is vital. You may also want to consult your attorney regarding telling your partner to leave your home and not allowing him back in. It is not clear if he has any legal rights and since you are from the UK, their laws may be different than they are in the US, where Just Answer is located. Kate

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