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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1206
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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Hey,So this is long but I'll try my best to brake it down.

Resolved Question:

Hey,
So this is long but I'll try my best to brake it down.
I met a girl online over a year ago and we fell madly in love since the day we met, it was perfect!
After a month she started to brake down as she was so scared because she had insecurity issues that came out when she was in a relationship, but she was more scared now as she had never felt the feelings she had for me before with anyone else, so she was so scared of losing me everyday, it was killing her. I promised her no matter what that I wouldn't leave her because of her insecurities as that's not who she is, we made so many promises of our future and marriage and family together, she made me feel amazing and I made her the happiest she had ever been! So then we spoke of counseling and we went to a private couples counsellor and the outcome was she had to have the counseling and to complete a course, she then enrolled for a Nhs counsellor. The insecurities got worse to were we couldn't watch tv together, if we did it would be a Disney film or something she knew there wasn't girls in. As all this was going on I was losing my best friend to a brain tumor so I was not always able to have the patience and time to help and understand her insecurities so we argued and she would leave me and block me everyday on the phone and I would always chase after her to get back together.
We finally got counseling sessions sorted from the Nhs and went as a couple but both had initial solo Sessions to start with, then by the second together session she didn't like the counsellor because she felt he was on my side and we were both just blaming her, this wasn't the case, as soon as the counselor challenged her insecurities she didn't like it and I was still a pervert and checking every girl out! This couldn't of been further from the truth, I love her and my heart and eyes were only for her!
So now I've lost my best friend, she came to the funeral with me but dad leading up to it and the morning she was having panic attacks and feeling insecure of the women who were going to be there. The morning if the funeral she text me saying that can I please hold her and tel her she is the only girl I fancy, love and want to be with and obviously I done it because she was and is that girl to me. She has left me now basically, I lied to her once pointless about a friend who was a girl that had text me, it was totally innocent and I shouldn't of lied, the only reason in my head that I did is that it was not worth the argument of a girl texting me if I had told my gf. The text was asking if I'd seen a film yet, plus the girl who text me was living in Thailand, my gf went through my phone and without me knowing and saw it and asked me who text and I said it was a guy friend, but by this time she'd already gone through my phone so knew I was lying. This was 6 months ago and she always uses it against me and says that's why she's not with me, I'm a lying cheating pervert etc.
I love her, she's told me a million times she's happier alone and I've witnessed the brake downs and been accused all along of things she thinks I'm doing, like checking out girls or talking to girls or driving to close to the car infront because a girl is driving it. She's also told a million times to help her, that she wants me forever and knows the insecurities will end us one day. I believe she can beat them, the counsellor said to her, you know Richard can be the one to help you out of leaving in fear and the insecurities, and she agreed.
I haven't heard from he in over 2 weeks now after lots of a use saying she doesn't want me and to leave her alone, so I have contacted her in this time and it's killing me, do you feel she will be back? I've always chased but I'm doing it differently and I now feel she needs to want, miss and come to me for us to ever work things out. Good idea?
You must think I'm mad still wanting this relationship and I've only explained 10% of it, but I love this girl, I adore her and believe we can make it and have everything we spoke of! Her parents believed and dent I was the one, they live abroad and don't know how badly her insecurities and barriers effect her as she doesn't tell them because she doesn't want to worry them. The parents don't like to get involved as if she's challenged, she cuts you off and her insecurities prove her right once again. She stopped the counseling after the first time the counsellor challenged her insecurities.
Thanks for anytime and help in advance, im a little lost and need to figure out whether to move on, or be patient and wait for her to come to me.
Rich
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I should add we have been on and off for the last few months, she stopped all contact at Christmas, then I wrote her a letter saying I would try one last time and arrange a valentines date as my last attempt with her. She never responded to the letter but she turned up for the date I had arranged and we had a great time. I dropped her off and I get an email basically bashing me again and she was done. The next day she contacted me saying lets go for dinner and stay a night in a hotel if I wanted. We done that and the evening went well. We didn't 'sleep' together. I dropped her at the station the next morning and all was good for a hour or so, then her barriers go up and the doubt kicks in and she can't do it and leaves me again. This was only 2 weeks ago, the first week we were on and off and I was a puppet basically, but then she has just cut me off saying what I said in the first part of my question. So now I have left it for her to contact me, I can't chase her anymore as it does no good.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
(Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Anybody?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I'm willing to do a skype or cell-phone call with you when we can arrange it. It appears to me that she needs a FEMALE therapist to teach her how to cope with her anxieties, because having a male counselor confront her about them is the WRONG way to go. A woman can--if she is a feeling type with EMPATHY for those NORMAL feelings that women have--gain her trust and from there begin to mentor her in how to deal with YOU and with her own reactions to you, which are fueling her emotional volatility. How old is she? How long has she lived apart from her parents?What you're calling "insecurities" are probably NOT just what they appear to be, elaborate scenarios of losing you if she doesn't dump you first, but warning skirmishes protecting a vulnerable personality core with primitive defenses.On your side, you have held onto an idealization of who you think she is that suggests your own experience in relationships lasting over 3 months is not very deep. For a major challenge is involved in bringing any love relationship from the initial rosecolored glasses through a clarification and tentative acceptance of the many differences and human frailties that plague any couple that needs to be successful if any marriage is going to last. Starting a relationship online is especially likely to blast off into improbable idealization like a rocketship. Where are you in the process of putting together a workable adult life? What has your experience with women taught you--both about them and about YOUrself?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I'm really glad you came online just now. But it's 3:30am here in the EastCoast of USA--don't know where you are. But I have to go to bed now. I can arrange a phone or skype call with you tomorrow, but only after we get our time differences and schedule differences cleared up. So write me what you can about that, and answer the other questions I've put up about you and your gf. I've written a textbook about how young adult (college age & beyond) loves progress, and studied them for over 20 years; and I'm thoroughly familiar with the idealization/crash cycle you're experiencing. So I can help you with this, either by phone or online. I'll put up the additional service offer now, and set a modest deposit to allow us to exchange contact info and continue by phone.
Dr. Norman Brown and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey thank you for your answer, I'm in the UK and a good time for me to call/talk is between 3 and 5pm uk time so morning time for you in guessing!?So she is 33, her parents moved to France when she was about 18 I believe.I'm in a process of building my buisness and was looking to move with my ex.What I've learnt is that I fall in love way to easy and give everything to soon I guess, I've been told I'm a 'fixer' and I guess I am!Does this help at all?A phone or Skype call would be great as I want to win her back and be happy together :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I've thought more about me and what I've learnt up to this point in relationships, a brief summary of things below.I was with an insecure girl for around 3 years before, but it got to much for me and I had to walk away.I was then with a very secure girl and all was going great for the first few months, then she lied to me about an ex texting her. That made me insecure I guess and we just grew apart and she ended it after 2 years. I took it bad and was desperate to get her back but gave up after a while.Now the current gf is this one for the last year, it was at least 18 months before I got with the current gf from breaking with the secure gf, I was dating and got myself in a good place where I could be honest on dates and say sorry, you're not for me if I didn't feel it, I've never been able to do that before. Then I met the current gf and it was amazing from the get go!What I think about my relationships now is that I need to be needed, I feel like I can fix the insecure girls and when I got a secure girl it made me insecure perhaps?My prioritie now is getting me back to a good place mentally and physically putting me first for a change, so then I can get my gf back and either be strong enough to make things work, or be strong enough to walk away.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I think emailing will be easier possibly?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
And some how is said I've rated the service 5 stars? I haven't done that??
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dr Brown?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I'm going out now to vote in the Georgia Primary and do an errand for my wife. So private email would work well for today/tonight--tho I can only respond from home, and have to focus on the outside world for the next 2 hours.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok cool, my email***@******.*** do you think I can get her back? And is me not contacting her at the moment the right thing to be doing?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have emailed you privately but haven't a response, let me know if you received it ok?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I presume it's there. But I have to go to sleep now. I'll respond from private email.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok, but I must Dr Brown you said you were going t bed yesterday and still never got back to me!? I'm not really feeling that well advised at the moment, me and the gf both agreed it should of been a female counsellor and would go for that next time.I'm not together with my ex so i can't actually talk to her about a new counsellor anyways.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My long term goal is to get her back so if you can please elaborate on that more, that's would be great
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I am sometimes unable to get back online when I have expected I could, because I'm a sole caregiver for both my wife and our daughter, as well as cook, dishwasher and housecleaner, home-maintenance-man, food & household shopper, medical transporter. I'll either continue writing you here, or do it from private email. But it can't be private here, so I presume you'd prefer I write you from private email.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok I get it, sorry if I'm being slightly impatient! Yes please if you could email me privately that would be better.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
OK I'll do that now for some comments.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Dr Brown, have replied to your last email
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for heads up. I'll have to wait till tomorrow to read and respond. Have both wife & daughter's doctor apptmts midday.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok, all the best for your family's appointments today!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Any news Dr Brown?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I emailed you a response to your emails late last night, but it failed to send, stating that the host was not found. I'll try again now.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I also sent one4 on March 2. Did you get that one?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have just received and replied to your last email, I don't think I received the one on the 2nd tho?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi I've sent to revolts via email, have you got them?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
*replies
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Norman, I got your response thank you!I have relied with a few more questions etc.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Norman, I haven't received any replies to my previous email? Not sure if it's having trouble being delivered again possibly.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dr brown?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Dr brown, I've just seen and replied to your last emails to me. Could really do with some guidance now. Rich