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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3244
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I began talking to a girl online 5 months ago, she develepid

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I began talking to a girl online 5 months ago, she develepid strong feelings, saying she had never met anyone she would like to settle down with in her whole life. It was long distance. At first we agreed we were not 'exclusive' as we got to know eachother, however she did ask to be, and I said let's keep things 'casual' for now. We grew extremely close/ things were very intense. I treated her badly due to my own insecurities, I would constantly break things off, saying the distance would make me bored, or that we didn't have enough chemistry, and flaunted my feelings for three other boys in front of her, saying I had strong feelings for them too. I really hurt her, and she would go into depressions for days. Secretly I cared for her as much as she did me, I was afraid of being vulnerable.
One time, when I broke things off, she ended up calling a 'friend with benefits' to console her. I found out, we had an arguement, and I said that we should put more of a 'label' on things and maybe not sleep with others? She seemed happy about this commitment, and we made up/ had a heart to heart, ending with her expressing how much she loved me, and me saying it back. A few weeks later, I found out that she had slept with the same girl- and basically cheated, and tried to lie about it by omission. She had no feelings for the girl ( the girl showed me the texts) and said that she had someone she was serious with (me). Also, texting the day after to say it was a slip up/ mistake, to the girl.
I broke up with her over video chat, the whole call she spent sobbing her heart out, in a crying fit, and with moments where she couldn't breathe. She said that I was the only one that made her want to get out of the depressive rut she was in, I motivated her to try/ be better, because there was a point to everything/ future with me. She said she felt like dying, and that she had lost the love of her life, and will always be settling for less with someone else, after finding me.
I am heartbroken, I can't eat, sleep, function normally in life without her. She made me happy for once in my life, and now everything is lost. I can never see/ hear her speak again, it feels like someone has died. I can't understand how someone who clearly cared THAT much, could do such a thing. All her tears were so genuine. Should I get back in touch and stay friends? Give her another chance? Or never speak again?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Sorry to hear about all of this for both of you. It sounds like you both care for each other deeply but both have some deep hurts and insecurities from the past and they are entering into this relationship. I think you both care for one another a lot. Take a deep breath and maybe sit down and write an email letting her know how you feel, how scared you were and that led you to break up and treat her in a way that was not loving and kind. Let her know that you would love to reconnect and work through it and take a risk to love one another without letting the fear and insecurities get in the way. Being open and honest may be helpful and then you can figure out what you both want and need. Take it slow, be loving and be open. Life is about feeling fear but also working through it and overcoming it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I would love to be with her again, but she cheated on me. And I know I was horrible to her, but now I feel that I can never trust her again. She lied about it several times too, because she was scared I would end things with her. It's easy to say that she can't have loved me because of what she did, but I know she did. She was so genuine with her pain and love for me. I was even worried at one point she would do something stupid to herself after all this, she was that distressed. This was my first ever relationship, too, which makes things hurt more. I was wondering if I should contact her, and just try to remain friends? But not sure if this would just hurt us both more? I am unable to get out of bed, everything just feels too much, and I can't move on. The thought I will never speak to her again is unbearable. I feel we were both the love of eachother's life.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
You both were so all over the place that I am not so sure I would go so far and say cheated or that even if you feel that things couldn't be repaired. Neither of you fully trusted the other and were just feeling your way through things. You may be holding onto this but you might feel much better if you can understand that you both played a part in things. Not sure friendship works because of the intense feelings.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel that she did cheat, and she admitted that when she did it, it felt like cheating. I had said in our argument that I wasn't happy with her doing stuff with this girl. And she still did it afterwards. There was a point where I kissed someone in front of her, which again was all part of me treating her badly. But I never slept/ did anything sexual with anyone else as she did. I have certainly learnt a lesson, to treat someone with respect. I could maybe ring her and explain why I treated her badly, be honest about my insecurities? From people I know that have been to see her since, she is not doing well, and is sleeping all day, tears all the time, and has deleted pics of use together, because it's too painful for her. She really thinks it's over.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
If you miss her the way you do and desire to reconnect then it sounds like you may want to reach out to her and let her know how you feel. Whether or not you end up back together, only time will tell but right now it sounds like your first step that you desire is to reach out and be open with how you feel. I hear that it would feel good for you too.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
You both sound like you are in a lot of pain and are missing one another, so reach out and express yourself and go from there.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am just confused because I know she cares deeply, yet I can't reconcile this with her cheating. Do you think it's possible for someone to do that, if they loved the person? I think I may contact her, and express my feelings.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Yes because she was hurting and you both were a bit all over the place...yes the cheating hurts, but I always try to understand the why rather than just see it as only bad...yes it hurts yes it wasn't the right choice but you can get past it if you choose to. If you feel like you can't only you will know that, but for the time being I am responding to the pain you are in by missing her so much so if you feel like reaching out eases that for you then give yourself that gift and as you move forward you can both decide what works and what doesn't.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel like if I call, I will keep wanting to call her again, and it will be addictive. It was not only the romantic element, it was the fact that she became a best friend, and I miss being able to speak to her like that. The pain is coming from the fact that I will never speak to her again. That is why I was wondering if I could slowly stop speaking to her so much, and only be friends. Then it will not feel so 'final' and I can start speaking to her less and less over time, as I get over her, and the prospect of a relationship.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I think if you long for her in this way then speaking as friends will only keep your desire alive. If you want more than friendship then working through it all seems like the way to go. You are in a lot of pain now and it takes time to heal from that....I don't see how reaching out and then slowly speaking less and less is helpful to anyone.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel like it may be possible to benefit from her company over the phone, sporadically, without feeling a need to be with her sexually/ physically. Much of it was her company that I enjoyed. And wonder if this would make things feel less 'final', which is what is currently causing so much pain.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
all you can do is try it and see how it feels for both of you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok then, thanks for the help. Much appreciated.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think I will leave it for a week or so before I contact her
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I wish you the best with it all and hope you both find some peace and comfort.Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. Thanks in advance.Jen
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks very much :) will do
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3244
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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