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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3530
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Me and my partner are going through quite a rough patch

Customer Question

Hi, me and my partner are going through quite a rough patch at the moment... He lied to me about previous relationships and one of the overlapped our relationship. I found this out and confronted him to which he denied at first, but then eventually told the truth about the overlapping as his X missis was not willing to break it off with him. We got together in May 2015 and he was still trying to end his relation with his X during June and July 15. I found this out Dec 15.
After taking all of this in, he seemed apologetic and begged for me back to which I eventually agreed as he promised to put things right and make effort. This happened in Jan 16.
Since then, I don't feel I have seen that effort that he is making... It's been 3 months... He tells me he is trying but has to balance his life with work, studies, playing football and watching Chelsea matches and me...
All I've asked for is to keep me happy, where one day he will make real effort and the next day it's back to nothing which is causing arguments... And we are just going around in circles...
We both love each other so much but can't seem to get over these hurdles. And we need help on how we can overcome these as we both want to make it work.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I hear all that you are saying and how he has hurt you in the past but I want you to think of this a bit and look inward....everyone does the best that they can and maybe it is a lot of pressure to put on yourself and him that he has to make you happy each day. Life doesn't really go like that...some days things are great and others they can be middle of the road and when we are busy it can be even harder. The most important thing is that you both love each other deeply so focus on that and try and focus less on what he isn't doing and more on the times when things feel great. I think you can do that and I hear how you love him so go easy on yourself and him and enjoy all the moments.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your response ūüėä
What can we do for him to help build up the trust? I have always asked him to be open honest and transparent... But I have trouble believing him sometimes and I h8 asking him to prove it.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
And the more you ask him to prove it the harder it can be for him. The trust is within you and I know you were hurt and he didn't handle things well, but you get to choose as to whether you want to hold onto it or take the risk and let it go to be free in the relationship. Give yourself some time and try and practice not having him prove anything...just relate to one another and you being open will allow him to be open. Don't pepper him with questions just be and spend time together and let it all unfold.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Let me know how else I can support you. if all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support so that I may be credited for my time. Thanks so much in advance.Jen
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Please take care of the rating for me. Thanks so much.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We put some agreements in place a few weeks ago, outlining our expectations from each other, which we both agreed n promised to fulfil. One of these was him playing mind games. He plays a lot of mind games, he twists and turns words and tries to make me look like a really bad person, which has become really irritating now. I've spoken to him previously about this on several occasions and he always tells me he will change this habit, but to date it's still the same.
Also with everything that has happened, he agreed to be open honest and transparent to help build the trust. But there have been occasions where this has not been the case. I'm trying to trust him, but sometimes I find it really hard... I guess when such a big lie is told, everything else he does or done becomes questionable for me.
Is love enough for a relationship to work where trust just seems to be drifting apart?
I don't see that passion that determination in him to make a go of this relationship... Only when I tell him it's over does he make an effort to put things right... But after that he just goes back to lazy and playing mind games as he's very immature.
I really don't know whether it's worth it... It's like a cycle and we just keep going round in circles...
Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? How can we move towards it? What advise can you give me to decide on what I should do?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Love isn't always enough but trust can be rebuilt over time if each person desires to put the work in. It is a lot to put on yourself and him that he has to make you happy, only you can do that and only you can decide if you have the strength to let go a bit and let things play out to see if this relationship can work.