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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 715
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Ive been married months. my marriage is now on the verge

Customer Question

ive been married for 4 months. my marriage is now on the verge of collapse. ime 50 my wife is 45. she wants a baby but 10yrs ago I had a vasectomy. we spoke about using a sperm donor. at first I was okay ish with it but as it got nearer the time I wasn't. my wife used the sperm donor without my consent. it didn't work. she didn't want to tell me any details about it. this put untold pressure on the marriage, I came close to killing myself last week. my wife had a still born child 12 years ago which she still hasn't really come to terms with. she says my actions have brought all the pain of 12 years ago back to her. ive had to move into temporary accommodation. my wife dosent want me near her. says she needs time alone. ime desperately unhappy
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 8 months ago.
Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, and interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. And I am so very sorry to hear about the very difficult time you and your wife are going through. My very first thought is that both of you should talk to a counselor in person if at all possible. Your issues are so heavy and deep that to just get suggestions or recommendations on line is probably terribly insufficient. I'd also like to ask if you or she had thought about seeing a fertility specialist. Especially given the mature age and the past that has included a stillbirth child, it seems that she likely needs some help from a fertility doctor to ensure she have the best chances. But more than this, I'm worried about what will happen to her emotionally if she cannot have a child. While women are having children into their 40s, mid-late 40s is very difficult, especially if the body has never given birth to a live child. The odds are very slim. So the reality that she may not be able to conceive or if conceive, then likely miscarry makes me question her fragile state should she find out that she can not physically carry a child. I do not know how either of you feel about about adoption or even what the process is in the UK. But that may be an option. The first and most pressing issue right now is that you nearly took your life. Because things have become so severe, I would like to refer you to one of our suicide counselors who can better help you. The fact that you have been married only 4 months and already you are physically separated and miserable and taking drastic measures sends up huge red flags for this relationship. Unless you both can agree to go to relationship/marital counseling, I honestly do not see anything positive happening. Without intervention (i.e., therapy/counseling), couples have about a 1% of working things out on their own. A neutral, unbiased party like a therapist can help both of you. Of course, again, even more pressing is your emotional health. I really urge you to talk to someone who can help you work through this extreme emotional pain. Please let me know what you think. I really want to help. --Dr. Jackie

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