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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5776
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My partner and i have been together a year

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My partner and i have been together for approaching a year and he sees his children eveey other weekend . i waited 6 months to meet his children by whivh time he had known mine for 5 months . and i habe repeatedly yried to engage with his 2 children and invite them to do famiky stuff with us at weekends. But his children dictate if we meet or not - more not than anything. And what they say goes . this is now causing arguments between us as my children and i feel. Pushed away every weekend they are around and i am not bonding with his kids . i have said this to. Him and his answer is just if they dint want to he s not forcing them incase they stop coming to. Him ...... Please help
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I have asked him to. Ask them if they dint like me and he refuses. Just says they prob want to just be with him ... But thats been now since January
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 9 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. He may believe that letting his children decide whether or not to meet you is helping them. But children need guidance from their parents and not control over them. That only reinforces what they feel about you and they will continue to resist meeting you. What you may want to suggest to your partner is that he talks to his children about how they feel about the changes in their lives and what they feel about meeting you. They need to feel they can express those feelings and have them acknowledged. Once they know their father understands, then he should tell them they can meet you for a short period of time. Nothing intense but just a chance to see that you want to get to know them and that you care. Then increase the amount of time you see the children until they feel comfortable. And save letting them meet your children until you get to know them a bit first. They may feel overwhelmed meeting everyone at once. But if your partner is not willing to hear your concerns about his children dictating his actions and he is not open to the above idea, then you may need to ask him to seek counseling with you. You have tried talking to him and even let him know how his children are interfering in your relationship, but if he won't listen, you may need to take further steps to help you both work through this time. When a partner refuses to hear you, then you may need another person, preferably someone neutral to the situation, to intervene and let him know that it is not okay to exclude you and let his children run his life. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Sorry i think i did not make it clear. I met the children in December and we shared days out over Christmas and all seemed fine . but since January he has been saying his son his 14 yt old son prefers to stay at his place chilling and his daughter likes it to he him n her or go out with his mother shopping ... And that they like to spend their time with him as he only see s them every other week . he celebrated his daughters birthday at his mum s last week but did not invite us but then got upset that i did not give him a card to. Pass on from me or except a flying visit from them ... He calls her "angel" and what she says goes ... My 3 boys ate 6. 8 and 12 and not spoilt and dont dictate and he refusds to see that what he calls her reinforce s her control over Daddy and getying her own way ...
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 9 months ago.
Thank you for the additional information. It is normal for the kids to want to spend time with their father on their own. However, he needs to divide that time so he has time with them, and time together with you and the kids. The issue is that his refusal to blend your families is making it difficult for you to get to know his kids and it calls into question any future you have together. If you decide to continue your relationship, then what happens if you want to marry? His insistence to let the children dictate his actions with you will make it even harder to blend your families and to have his children accept you. At this point, he needs to be in charge of the situation, not his children. Try talking to him again and ask him what he thinks about your future together. While taking care of his children is important since they are still minors, he cannot let them dictate his relationships and exclude you. He needs to decide now how important your relationship is in his life. And suggest counseling if he still refuses to deal with the issue. He needs to be open to hearing your needs and if he is not, that is unfair to you. Kate
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
So he gets them Fridays and returns them. Sunday evenings and you suggest he atleast meets up for a dinner or a day out in that time ?? Cause at the. Moment his daughter goes shopping allday with granny til 4pm and his son chills out and then they go to nannys again sunday for lunch til he takes them home ... Leaving me high n dry all weekend. And he says i am being unreasonable expecting his children to to be made to see me on their weekend s witj Their dad ....
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 9 months ago.
It is not unreasonable since you are in a longer term relationship together. If you had been together only a few weeks, it might be too soon to ask to be part of his relationship with his kids. But as it is now, you have been together long enough that you should at least be part of the weekends, at least for a few hours. No time at all is unfair to you. Kate
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
So when he gives me the answer i normally get that kieren is 15 and thats what boys his age do is stay in on their Xbox and not get dressed on a saturday and that he cant be expected to hang out with younger kids like mine and that jenna goes out everyweek with his mum and he s not going to. Stop her doing that and that it woukd be different if i had a daughter she would want to come more .. What do i say ... I have cried all day today
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 9 months ago.
Tell him again what you feel and let him know that your feelings are just as important as his. Also talk to him about the future of your relationship and ask what happens if you do continue together. If you marry, his kids will have to get to know you and get along with your kids. They cannot continue to stay apart. If they are not introduced now and have time to adjust, getting married or having a long term relationship will make things worse. If he resists and continues giving the same answers. suggest counseling. This is upsetting I know. But continue expressing your feelings about this until you find a resolution. Counseling will help if nothing else does. And hang in there. Be sure to take care of yourself while you are dealing with this issue. Get the support of friends and family if possible. Most of all, keep in mind you deserve to be treated fairly and have your feelings count in your own relationship. Kate If you feel your original question and related follow ups have been answered, I'd appreciate a positive rating on the answers I have provided. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5776
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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