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Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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My boyfriend asked me to leave his flat that we have

Resolved Question:

Hello
My boyfriend asked me to leave his flat that we have shared for a year just over a week ago as he was struggling to accept and move on from mistrust - he found out about me seeing my ex partner at the beginning of our relationship. He said that he didn't take time or space when he found out and needs it now. He said when I left that at the moment he can't see himself changing his mind. I'm concerned as it's been over a week and I desperately want to connect with him but feel like
I should respect his space.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
I'm confused about the situation - you've been kicked out of your shared home? For how long? What was the agreement between the two of you? Regardless of what occurred at the beginning of your relationship, it seems as though you should have some agreed upon time to come back together and discuss where your relationship is headed. It's not fair to keep you out of your shared space indefinitely.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Have you received my reply?
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
I did, but it popped up on another page rather than here. I read it and will respond here and try to close out that other request. Well, I can understand your feelings. It sounds like you've had a rough go of it the past year and suffered some incredible personal losses to boot. Having this pop up all of a sudden must feel very overwhelming and disorienting. While I can understand that your partner needs some space and time to think about things, I don't see the harm in contacting him to ask about the status of things. After all, you're kind of in limbo and have willingly left to let him sort things out. If he hasn't gotten some of his feelings together after a week, it might be time to come up with a more permanent solution anyway.
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
That said, I would go about it gently and frame it as a request, not a demand. Also, you sound very contrite regarding your prior actions. If you haven't expressed that, it might be nice to do so (in writing?) to him to let him know how you feel.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I apologised at the time and also before I left I said that I felt clear in my mind that although I had been dishonest I hadn't intentionally manipulated or set out to emotionally mess my ex or current partner around. I have also been extremely apologetic after my two further mistakes. I think my partner is conflicted about trying but struggling to rebuild trust and also worrying that it or something else might happens that would challenge his trust? How can I assure him that I've learnt from my mistakes I've had a rough year and that I'd hope for more compassion?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also we both agreed that when we first met we had a very strong connection we had been working towards making much bigger commitments to each other but have faltered with highs and lows. the strength of the initial connection we had before all of this happened is what is making me want to at least try to resolve things. I was also considering suggesting to him that we go back to dating? The other challenge has been living in a very small one bed app with his son who stays over 3/4 nights a week I've struggled with feeling like an outsider. if we'd proceeded more slowly with the relationship we could have really benefited
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
Well, I think you could say exactly that - that you've had a rough year, but feel that you've learned from your mistakes. Also, you could ask him if there's anything that you could do to reassure him or make him more comfortable. Some couples (when there's been a breach of trust), try to set up some checks and balances in order to continue building the trust back. For instance, when cheating has been an issue, some couples will begin with no passwords on phones or computers (for either partner) - this way, there can be check-ins without it having to be a big deal ("what's your password?"), etc. Other couples try writing in a shared journal about their feelings when something a little upsetting happens. That way they can get their feelings out, but don't have to worry about getting in an argument (the journal needs to be a 'safe zone'). There are lots of (much worse!) issues that couples make it past all the time. It just takes a little compromise on both peoples' parts in order to do it. If you're willing to live your life more transparently (to help rebuild his confidence), then maybe offer that? If you're willing to work hard to rebuild, and are willing to listen to his fears about it, there's no reason it can't work. Just approach it with honesty and don't be afraid of some difficult feedback. In the end, it's for the success of your relationship. [reading]And I totally agree on your solution of going back to dating - that's a great idea! If will give you (both) time and space to feel confident with each other again. It also might be beneficial to the relationship with his son (especially if you suggest some group outings). If you go slow there's less likelihood of either of you feeling awkward or like there are lingering problems from the past.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
How do you think I should manage contact put this in an email? or meet in person but then I'll be worried what if I don't get a chance to say all of this? i also wonder if not contacting him until Saturday the it will be two weeks break whether there is more strength in leaving Him to have a more than generous time apart?
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
The timing is up to you, but if you put it in an email I'd think that you could send it whenever you wish, because he can choose to read and respond right away or not - it's not as if you're being invasive that way. Also, you'd be absolutely certain to get all of your thoughts down and out of your head. It's a good mode of expression in that you can mold it to say exactly what you want. Then, if you want, you could request that the two of you meet in person to discuss what you wrote when he's comfortable, or to respond via email if he isn't feeling up to meeting. You'd be making contact, but not pushing him into a corner to where he feels he must decide right away. I think it would be a show of good faith on your part to be open to however he'd like to proceed, if you're okay with that.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think that's very good suggestions. I just am worried that as he has harboured these feelings since last June that he may think it's gone beyond trying to repair? I'm optimistic but also wonder if I'm just being unrealistic especially as he asked me to go to my mums with very little notice - it was such a shock it's just knocked me sideways and feels like a bad dream!...the other option is I wait for him to get in touch but that seems so hard when I have no idea when it will be
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'm also quite crushed as no one has ever asked me for space before it's hard not to let this effect my image of myself
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
I agree. I definitely don't think you should have to wait indefinitely for him to contact you. Regardless of what happened, that's not really a fair way to respond. There should (ideally) have been a time when he said he was willing to get back in touch. So, I don't think there's anything wrong with reaching out with something non-invasive, like a heart-felt email. I also understand your worries about the pent-up feelings - that's a legitimate concern! If you two are going to move forward, he's going to have to work on being able to tell you how he feels in real time so that negativity doesn't build up. Maybe, after your relationship is in a better place again, you can gently broach that subject with him. You can ask him how it felt to be so pent-up about his feelings, and what prevented him from telling you? Some gentle prodding and reassurance that you're open to hearing his feelings without judgement could go a long way there.Lastly, I can completely understand how you feel regarding your self-image. It's never easy to recognize that we were feeling some complicated things and maybe acted out of character. But, honestly - it's not uncommon (especially in times of grief/sadness) for people to do or say things that they might not normally say/do. It's certainly not the whole of who you are as a person! Right now those actions seem all-important to you because they're affecting the rest of your life- but please try to keep in mind that those actions were time-limited and define only a small portion of your lovely existence. In the end, it's most important that you can forgive yourself - no matter what he decides!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks so much the mistakes have been humiliating but I've accepted full responsibility for them. what I also did which I feel particularly ashamed about was check my ex partners emails and that is what my current partner found out having checked my browse history. He then went and checked my sent emails and realised we'd been in touch for 3 months at the beginning of our relationship. I feel so foolish for doing that and ashamed that the worst things I've done in my life have been discovered by my current partner - no matter what I've said in the past he seems to have not taken my word for things. It's been very exhausting to feel like he thinks I'm some one who is just a betrayer.....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Would it be too much to ask u to look over a draft of an email that I'd like to send to him?
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
And that's something to keep in mind, if you do get back together. Having someone who doesn't seem to trust you right off the bat (and routinely checks up on you) is exhausting. And, since he discovered some indiscretions, he might be further paranoid. So, ultimately, it's up to you how much scrutiny you want to put yourself under. If you think the relationship is worth it, then you may have to deal with an increased intrusion of privacy for a while until he can feel comfortable again. That said, this might be a good time to ponder exactly how that might make you feel in the long run. An indiscretion, at the beginning of a relationship, doesn't mean that anyone has the right to continuously call your behavior into question - so you'd both have to decide (and agree) about how long it could go on. You cetainly shouldn't be punished forever for this - goodness knows, it sounds like you've punished yourself enough!And, I'd be happy to look over a draft of the email - that's fine. :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dear *****Firstly I hope some space apart (in your man cave :)) has give you some more time to consider how you feel about us?I wanted to take the opportunity again to offer a heart felt apology for the mistakes I've made that have brought distrust into our relationship. I'm 100% committed to rebuilding trust if you have even the smallest inkling that you'd like to do that? That means being I would be completely transparent about my whereabouts etc we could even gave an honesty journal where we share any situations that have been hurtful rather than bottle things up or cause arguments? If there's anything that I could do to help us heal the relationship I'll do it.I love you very much & have missed you a great deal. I've had a rough year as you know with my dad passing and feel very ashamed by the two drinker episodes that have caused you pain.It's been hard for me to ignore the strength of our connection when we first met & the huge potential we have both felt at different times about the relationship. Would it help if we went back a few steps and started dating with no expectation or pressure?Could we meet to talk through? Or if you dont feel up to that that's ok.Synth
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
I like this a lot. You've spelled out what you think might help while reminding him of the potential and hopes you have for the relationship. It's hard for me to imagine him feeling pressured by this since you stated it all as questions and suggestions/possibilties. I truly think it's a very nice email and hope that it's received favorably. You've clearly put a lot of thought and effort into it, and I hope he'll see that!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks so much. I do feel like I've said some of these things before I'm not sure that he'd be hearing anything for the first time? Or if they'll make any difference. When I left he said that at the moment he couldn't bare himself changing his mind at feeling it to hard to put the mistrust to one side.
But not sure what else I could include apart from asking more open questions of him? Also on Monday-wed next week I am meant to be contributing to a large conference in another bit of Europe and am worried that if I do email I maybe get a hurtful reply just before the conference which would make it very hard for me not to feel very upset then I'd have the pressure of having to publically face a large audience when I'd feel at my weakest. So the other option is to not send it until early next week but that leaves the chance of him contacting me before then. I also need to go to his flat to collect my passport and I've been surviving in only a small number of clothes and belongings too since I left. The longer we take a break the more I feel he's drifting away...
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
Oh, I wish I could make this better for you, as I can hear the pain in your voice. I'm so sorry that you're hurting and all I can say is that we'll hope for the best, ***** ***** as much as we can to protect you in the meantime. I agree with your idea about waiting to send it (if you haven't already) to give you some peace before the conference. It's important that you're able to keep your emotions more stabilized if you're going to be traveling, etc. However, if you have already sent it, that's not a problem either - you can just monitor it by not allowing yourself to check/read your email (if you receive one from him) prior to going to the conference. Above all, I want you to be safe during that time and to be able to function as well as possible.When it comes to collecting your passport and clothes, if you can wait until after, it might be a good plan. But, if not, you certainly have the right to go back whenever you need to. You can't spend forever waiting! That said, I wouldn't chalk up the amount of time to being a bad thing, necessarily. Lots of people take their time when it comes to sorting out emotional issues - and if he has a son, he may be spending time with him too and avoiding the issue a little for a while until his emotions die down. He may just need to decompress. All of this is speculation at this point, because you'll need his feedback to truly know where this stands. But do what you can to take care of yourself until then? It's important not to be too hard on yourself and recognize that you've done all you can at this point - and that's okay.
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.
Hi again - I'm just checking in to see how you're doing...I know you have that conference coming up. I hope you're well. Hang in there!
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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