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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2905
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I was in a relationship with a man years and we split up a

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I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years and we split up a year ago, we split up because I had found several things out about him which set off alarm bells in my head and I couldn't let them drop. The main things were that he was obsessed with a couple of celebrities, to the extent that he would go to the library to read up about them and was constantly looking at fake nude pics online of them. I also found some pictures of women's faces on the bedroom floor which he had cut out of a magazine and he said that they were from before he had met me and had fallen out of a bag. There was also text messages to his friend about a young girl that worked in the pub about how he had fantasised about her, I was angry and disgusted because she was 30 years younger than him, he's 51.
We had got a house together but because of these things I dragged my feet on moving in with him. He was very good to me and apart from the above it was like a fairy tale and I loved him so much. I tried to put these things to the back of my head but then I found a picture in his wallet of a naked girl which he had hand drawn (badly!) and folded up very small. I found it when I was looking for stamps. He snatched it off me and put it in the bin and said it was nothing. I got it out of the bin later that night because it was worrying me and he had scribbled on the genitals before putting it in the bin. I asked him about it and he said it was meant to be a football badge but it had gone wrong and it only looked like a girl's body.
Again, I tried to just forget it and put it down to stupidity. He has a foot fetish, which I know he can't help but he told me that he was only interested in the feet of women he fancied and said it's no different to a man liking breasts. Again, I accepted this but i noticed when we were out and about he would be glancing at women's feet but I didn't say anything because whenever I mentioned anything it would lead to a big argument and he would say that he was just a normal guy and that I had a problem with jealousy. I have never actually been jealous before and I tried to explain that to him and he would not accept this.
We finally split in July of last year because I confronted him about the amount of 'foot porn' he was watching, which I had seen on his phone. I looked because he hardly ever wanted sex and when he did want it he just wanted to lick my feet while I masturbated him. I had the feeling he was fantasising about other women which is why I looked. There was masses of porn on his phone and when I asked him about it he went mad. He said it's his business and was my own fault for not moving in. He reeled off all the things he has done for me, which he has, and how all I do is look for problems. I walked away and didn't contact him for a month. But I started missing him and got in touch. He still saw no wrong in what he had been doing and I started to think that maybe it was all my fault and that what he was doing was his business, not mine.
He would contact me intermittently and I tried to say that we should start again and he said he would like to. We met for a day out and all day he kept hiding his phone and putting it face down. We had gone to a country manor and he wanted me to take pictures on his phone but before he passed me it he was stood deleting things off it. I didn't say anything but it spoiled the day. When I got home I decided I didn't want him anymore.
I stopped contacting him but he would keep sending messages. I ignored him from Christmas until March. He din't let up. The messages would just be asking how I was, and telling me about his work etc and from March I started to respond. Over the last 3 months we have talked quite a lot and I was getting hopeful and thought I would try again with him. For the past 5 weeks we have been talking every day and agreed to go out and have a lovely couple of days. I was really happy and decided that yeah, he's a bit strange but I love him and even after a year I hadn't got over him. I also thought he must care about me a lot to still want to contact me and see me after all this time.
On Friday night we were messaging and he abruptly stopped and didn't reply. I thought he had probably fallen asleep. He contacted me on Saturday and we were chatting on and off and then again, he just didn't reply. The same thing happened on Sunday. I have his email details because I set it up for him. I wondered if he maybe hadn't got my message and i was also wondering what he was doing. I know it's wrong but I logged onto his email. What I saw has completely devastated me. He was buying used women's socks and dirty tights off ebay. He was doing this while talking to me. He was messaging them and asking that the dirtier they are the better and telling them they have nice feet. He doesn't even know who these women are because it only shows a picture of their feet.
I feel so dirty that I slept with this man and that I spent so much time on him. I feel humil
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I feel humiliated and used. I don't understand why he would keep contacting me and I don't understand why he doesn't think his behaviour odd. The main thing that I can't get over is how normal he seems when he's not doing these things. I asked him about the items he was buying off ebay and he said he's just different and doesn't want a relationship anyway so I asked why did he keep contacting me then. I don't want anymore to do with him but I just feel so let down and angry. I feel as though he hid his true self. But the worst thing is he just sees no wrong in anything he does and tells me that I over react.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Thank you for providing me such great information. I a sorry for this roller coaster he has put you on. You have done nothing wrong here and he needs to put the blame and fault on you in order to keep up his addictive behavior. Like most people that have an addiction it is very difficult to see that their behavior is wrong or odd or problematic. And we look at addiction in terms of how it affects ones functioning and in this case we see that i has by the inability to sustain a healthy and mutual relationship with you. Please do not bear the responsibility here...he has some issues and unless he sees it as problematic and goes for help then the behaviors will continue. Move forward with your head held high!

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Do you think I wasright when I called him a pervert?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

It is not about being right...you had intense feelings about his behavior and that is what came from your mouth. Don't beat yourself up over that aspect. You can move on and heal from this. you have done nothing wrong.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Clearly he is struggling with this and you did a lot by trying to love him through it and hoping things could be different but sadly without him feeling there is a problem and getting help, the behaviors will continue.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Thank you, ***** *****'t ever speak to him again.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

And that sounds like it is the right course for you. You did a lot and sacrificed a lot and he is not willing to see there is an issue and believes it is your issue. Not the case. I am here for you again if you need. If all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. Thanks in advance.

Jen

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Please let me know if I can support you further. If not, please click on the rating tab so I can be credited for my support.

Jen

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2905
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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