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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3621
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Ok so here is my situation. my girlfriend of 2 months

Customer Question

ok so here is my situation.
my girlfriend of 2 months recently told me that she took coke - 1 line when out with some friends.
I have been in a state on panic since she told me - and ive been a complete asshole to her - and have made her feel really bad as this is a drug I refuse to have anything to do with or people who do it..
I accept this is not acceptable ... but my ideal world I don't want to be with someone who takes this and she has apolgised... and promised she wont do it again and accepts this was a mistake..
what I need help is to rationalize why I feel the way I do why I cant put this behind me and why I cant stop running this around my head.
ive caused so much stress to her and shes now fed up and wants me to stop and be more positive.. I am on my knees for help and in my heart I know this is not something I want to break up with her over but I want this thought to be out of my life.
I guess right now im just waiting for her to message me saying this is all too much
however ive tried to keep it positive today and have only good things to say...
just wannna make this work as I love her to bits but want to rid myself of this awfull feeling and don't want to loose her any advice will be greatfully received!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
please respond
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Your intense reaction is because of your feelings about drugs and that is okay...you are allowed to feel that strongly about it. I think you are unable to let it go for now is because it took you by surprise and probably could not have imagined she would have done that. I would sit with her when you feel calm and ask her about her drug use and it is less about apologizing and more about what her feelings are around using drugs and if she believes she will use again. If she dabbles in it once in a while and that does not work for you then be open with her about what you want and need in a relationship. I think once a calm and clear conversation happens, slowly the thoughts swirling in your head will lessen.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thank you! I think im gonna need to never bring it up again as it always turns into a fight... 3 times we have had the same convo il give it some time and hope it goes away...im also not in a strong position personally once I find my strength again im sure il be able to deal with this ur answer really helped..can you please ensure this is a one off payment also and not let me get charged monthly?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

If you did not get the subscription it is a one time charge.

If this conversation has happened more than once then she might have an issue and you might be at odds with your desires around this. If it keeps happening then evaluate for yourself if this will work for you.

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support and I am still here if you need. Thanks.

Jen

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am glad I have helped. Be as strong as you can and when you feel up to it let her know how you feel. Your needs are important too.

TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
this is the 3rd time we have spoken about it.. it keeps coming up jen,what I want to do is show her I can be the man she fell in love with and stop punishing her...do you hav any tips how I can put this behind me
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I think it will be easier to put it behind once you feel strong enough to speak your feelings and not having it turn into a fight. Hard to let something go easily when you feel strongly about it and rightly so. You are a loving and honest man...rely on that.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
jen,im left wondering if she has had enough... I cant cope knowing ive hurt her and cant cope with the stress im left feeling that shes had enough and mentioned last night she feels this is part of who I am and feels I wont ever stop...any tips on just being able to stop worrying all the time why do I focus so much of my happiness on other people??
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Not sure how this all got turned around to be an issue of yours.....easier for her to blame you then look at her behavior?

You worry when you care and all of us find happiness through our relationships as well as individually.

Yes you may be on different tracks and desires in life, so look inward and decide if this is the right one for you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
no shes done enough appologising... and crying saying she wont do it again...the issues mine as I have a history of issues with this and feel strongly about those issues - her issue is with me not being able to look at the other 99% of our relationship and realize we can stil be good.. .its me jen whos been punishing her for something in the greater scheme of things is not a drug problem but just something she done im not happy with...I see your point tho its not a shift - and does seem that... I just haven't been able to put this behind us and get on with a normal relationshipeven now im worried scared feeling depressed shes going to finish with me..I need to just forget this and keep it forgot if ive told her its ok then I need to be ok.. not just sat y it
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I think because you love and value her so much the fear of loss is great...this is actually normal...the key is to figure out how to manage those feelings so they don't cause undue stress and pressure. Sometimes just verbalizing how strongly you feel and it can cause some worry and anxiety can be helpful. Talk to her, be open about your feelings and then live you life freely and with happiness.

FYI. I am off for several hours as I am in with private clients.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Shes said viny my guard is up you have hurt me… she dosnt want to break up but is concerned I wont change…3 times we have had the same fight and she feels ive punished herIve said im over it.. and want to move on.. she just said actions speak louder than words so I guess im back on probation.. I deserve it ive been a emotional nob… focussing too much energy on her and im gonna just pull back a bit and put some more focus back on me get my life together I have a house to plan a furnish and need to get back in the gym get my health and life together and I will try to fake this until I make this..But were all good.. just got to be positive cos ive been too negative.. and nobody wants a negative nellyBut i hope you know i feel the same...and will dance with you in the rain..
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
ignore last line lol that was a poem I sent her il show uim her wally, she's my firefly...the girl I hold at night and my sexy butterfly..I hope she knows I love her.. and all the reasons why..her wallys always here for her and will continue to try...this poem wasn't meant to be a story or a lie...but a promise to a lady who deserves a special guy...i know i am not perfect and i know ive been a pain..But i hope you know i feel the same...and will dance with you in the rain..x
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
I like the plan to focus more on you in all aspects. Get out there and live fully and that will be appealing to her and will feel great for you. Wishing you the best.