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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3140
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Trust question in a relationship

Resolved Question:

Trust question in a relationship
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I have an issue with trust having been let down badly. I am currently in a what I thought a very loving relationship coming up for 2 years, and he knows I have a trust issue. I have found out he is on the internet and texting/telephone someone with illicit messages, I am quite distraught about this. I have asked him if he has anything else going on and of course he has said no, I have said if he doesn't want to be with me then say, I do not want to necessarily tell him I have looked at his phone. I have only done this recently as he behaviour changed, i .e taking the phone to the loo etc and keeping it on him all the time which he didn't used to do. i have tried to approach the issue without being direct, however this is making me very unhappy. The situation makes feel very low and not good enough. He is 12 years old than me, in his 70's and has a problem with getting an erection and I have tried to be loving towards him and not put him under pressure and i wonder if he just does not fancy me, he says he does. QUestion - do I come clean and say what I know or carry on hoping it will pass? he will be very unhappy if he knows i have looked at his phone and this may be the end. I have always said if I cannot trust someone I cannot have a relationship with them and walk away, your advice would be very helpful.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Sorry,. I should have said I have been let down badly in the past, and whilst I knew it was going on I challenged my ex but took him back until the next time until i finally broke away. The feeling of betrayal is so awful. Thank you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
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Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

I am so sorry to hear of this pain for you and to hear about his behavior. you have been hurt in the past and to go through this again can be so painful. I understand how caught you are..tell him you looked at his phone or not. There is no perfect answer here...if you tell him the issue of his behavior will be lost and the focus will be on you and what you have done....terrible spot for you. But if you don't say anything then you are left with this continued betrayal and feelings of low self worth. I don't believe the behavior will go away...why would it? He will continue. If it were me, I would let him know what I know and go from there even while knowing the relationship may be over. But, isn't it really over if he is behaving like this? His choices have nothing to do with you and all to do with his disrespect.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

I truly hope you don't take any of this on as your fault or you are not good enough. His choices have been hurtful and may be doing it to deal with his erectile dysfunction and feel less embarrassed even though you have been incredibly caring and kind around it all.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Thank you Jen, this is very helpful, the situation is making me so unhappy. He was also on the Ashley Madison site last year as I saw it come up on his laptop and said if that was the case I was not interested in the relationship, he said he didn't know why he did it and came off, now I am not sure! of course he knew why but is not going to tell me. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me when I have "indirectly" discussed it the last couple of weeks, he knows I am very unhappy. I did not think he would do this to me knowing how betrayed I have been in the past, my family and friends thinks he is lovely and I am so torn. However, if it is making me unhappy then I believe I should be honest with him that I know? I think youwoudl agree, equally I don't want another relationship to end!!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

Such a tough spot for you and I just don't know that you would be able to sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn't happening. You run the risk in both ways for the relationship not to be a healthy and good one for you. So act according to what is going to work best for you and make you feel the best.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Thank you Jen, of course I can see you would look at it objectively and I am sure if I spoke to any friends they would say move on, it is just so scary, and a feeling of failure!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

It is terrifying! I know that and I support either choice you make. I just want you to make the one that works for you...not him, not me or any of your friends.

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3140
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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