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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3146
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I would like some advice on how to stop feeling insecure in

Resolved Question:

Hi I would like some advice on how to stop feeling insecure in relationships
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

It is such a great question because it is such a common experience and often happens when the strong feelings are there and the stakes feel high. I like the idea of being up front and communicative about it. So if you feel like you are connecting with someone you can be playful and silly about it and let them know you are feeling all good things and it can cause some insecurity. The right person will support that and provide reassurance. If they can't do that for you then that gives you some insight into how they might handle your normal feelings in the future. If you have been hurt in the past, these feelings may arise and if that is the case, practice a lot of self-talk to remind yourself that this is a different experience and not one from the past that may have caused hurt.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

I await your thoughts.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Hi sorry I couldn't understand clearly ! I was expecting you would ask for more information before answering ! Anyway a bit more about myself :I have been single for years now after a long term relationship broke in 2011 and after that whoever I meet I never ended up dating more than a few months or weeks ! I always wait for texts or calls from the guy and feel so happy when he calls me without me calling him and vice versa ( depressed when he doesn't ) - i feel low now because he hasn't replied to my texts and not bothered about me ( we have been dating for 2.5 months now ) - I feel insecure and I feel if I was really important to him he would have replied or answered my call just now. May be he is just busy or even sleeping. But how can I stop feeling miserable when I don't get a call from him ? how do I stop my mind Thinkig he is ignoring me and not liking me ? I feel depressed now and then.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

Thanks for giving more information. When you put all your happiness and moods in the hands of another then these feelings can creep up because if they don't call then you feel down. The best way to combat this is to have a full life and feel good about yourself and all you are involved with in addition to your relationships...so yes while you desire to be connected and hear from them, when you don't or there is a delay in the response you are still full and thriving in other things. This, by the way is also appealing to others as they see you as having a rich and full life.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

And assigning meaning to the delay of texts doesn't help you either...meaning if you say the delay happens because he can't be bothered with me sets yourself up for feeling poorly. If you can try and think differently without giving a reason then you may do better as well.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I get the first point about living a full life - I do have a successful career, socially snd physically active and ambitious and happy with mysejf in general but still get the depressed feeling when ignored by someone
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I didn't quite understand the second one
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

Yes and so the question to ask yourself is why do you feel ignored? A delay in a text doesn't have to mena you are being ignored...only if you decide that is why.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

You get to choose how you think of the situation so if you choose to feel ignored you will feel down but if you choose to say..I am sure he is busy and we will connect better, then you may not feel as down.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

If you have been dating him for a few months like you indicated you can always let him know that when you don't hear back from him, you feel hurt. Maybe he can step it up a bit and give more in this area to you.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Well I can trick my mind only if that is easier ! As I mentioned myself I could think he is busy but it's not easy to lie to myself when I'm expecting his care and I don't get it and couldn't fool myself! how can I not feel miserable
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Ok I understand ! But I am afraid that if I say so he will feel I have fallen for him and stop his interest towards me / i don't want to be the only person to be putting efforts
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

You may not be lying to yourself...he may be busy and he may care. You can be less miserable by choosing not define for him what it means when he doesn't respond in the way you want...but again, you may feel better by being open with him and see if he can be more responsive.

I hear you, but I do think if he wasn't interested he would end things completely.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Okay apart from feeling low how do I go about next day
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

What do you mean?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

I would not reach out as much and let him miss you and come to you a bit.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Should I text or call him normally like nothing has happened and I'm feelog ok or let him call me
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Okay I get it
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

I know it will be hard for you to wait, but maybe you make it easy on him because he knows you will always be texting.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I seriously don't know how to judge if someone really cares about me or not - when I know a person really cares about me I don't expect that to show by texts or calls
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
It's only because it's quite uncertain
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
The guy I'm currently seeing could go a day or two not being in touch with me but I cannot
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

The other person shows an interest in learning about you, spending time with you, finding interest in things you like...

Everyone has different needs about the frequency of communication and your styles right now are dfferent...pull back a bit and let it all happen naturally.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Okay ! thank you
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

You can do this...have faith in you and all your wonderful qualities.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support so that I may be credited for my time. Thanks so much. Be well and be strong and confident.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

If you would please take care of the rating, I would appreciate it. Thanks so much.

Jen

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I have spent almost the weekend miserable and feeling low and I couldn't enjoy my friends presence either ! All that occurs to my mind is 'why does he not talk nice to me ' ' I'm not his priority '. Even during today's call he was not so thrilled or seemed happy. Few days ago he was not like this - he called me even when I didn't and texted me constantly during his travel for business. It's strange how men work and I really can't stop Thinkig insecure
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 8 months ago.

I don't think it is about them and how they respond to you...it seems that you are having a tough time recognizing their style and their way...you spoke today yet you said he wasn't thrilled or didn't seem happy. If you continue to define for others how they feel then I think you will be left feeling low. I would try and focus on the good and not what you perceive to be bad. I wonder also if they feel pressure from you to be connected all the time and be a certain way and if so, that could have a person pull back. Please appreciate what is in front of you and what they do give...I think then you might find some joy.

Please if you can offer a rating at this time so that my time is credited, I would appreciate it.

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3146
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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