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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3385
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I've been in a relationship for 10 years with my boyfriend.

Customer Question

Hi, I've been in a relationship for 10 years with my boyfriend. We moved in together 2 months ago and have a baby on the way due December. We haven't been getting on as well since moving in and the last 8months have been difficult with various life events. He is really depressed and has recently come off medication despite doctors increasing his dosage. I have tried to be supportive and although I have been nagging at times always tried to be understanding and open with our relationship. Recently he started talking to another girl, which I have never had a problem with before. But he refuses to tell her he's in a relationship, living with someone or has a baby on the way. I'm lacking in trust now for him which is making things worse. I've tried speaking about it with me but because of his depression he says he has no feelings for me or life right now. He won't end it and says I can stay in the house ( I put all of the deposit down). I've been staying with my mum for the last week but know this can't be a permanent solution and don't really know where to go from here. Thank you
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I am so sorry to hear of this painful time for you. It does sound to me like his depression is at the forefront making it very hard for him to feel and behave in ways that are caring and mutual. I am hoping that with some love and empathy you can speak to him more and ask that he seek help again so that your baby can have two parents that are present and available. It is unclear to me at this point whether you will be able to find your way back to one another especially if he doesn't get help. I would go to him once again and ask that he return to his doctors to get into therapy and back on medication because he deserves to feel good and happy and excited for a child to come into the world. If he is resistant to any of that, I am not sure much will change from how things are now and you will be left with the decision at that point whether to stay in it or leave that aspect of the relationship and co-parent.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I await your thoughts.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I think I may have already come to the point where the decision is mine as I have been with him to the doctors on a few occasions to get help. The last time they upped his dosage which he refused to take and gave him some leaflets which he won't call. His response is he's beyond help and he doesn't want medication influencing his mind. I'm in bits and he says he doesn't want me to hurt but he has no idea how this is affecting me. I've always been a positive person but I'm struggling to see a way out right now. I don't want to bring our baby up without him or our family home but don't know how to get him help if he doesn't want it. Thank you for your previous response.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I hear all of what you say and so yes, time now for you to focus on you and your sweet baby coming into the world. It is okay to do that now...you have focused a lot on helping him and if he refuses, then it can only be up to him. It is very sad so let yourself feel all that you feel and begin to get excited about your baby and all the joy that brings.

Let me know how else I can support you....I am here. Please also take a moment to click the rating tab to rate my support. Thanks in advance.

Jen

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Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Do you think I should ignore the messages to other woman and his secretiveness? Is it time to just focus on our relationship and hope that this is a phase that perhaps he's not getting from us. This is at the forfront of my mind and drives him into a closed state of mind when confronted about their relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

Yes, because even though you have every right to address it and ask that it stop, I don't think it will make a difference...he is in a state of focusing on himself and looking for any way to feel better and he believes this is it.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

He may also be scared about the baby coming and this is his way of "acting out." Focus on you, your health and that of your baby.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Thank you
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I thank you for the positive rating and I am here again if you need. You can do this...I hear your strength.

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