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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5840
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I've never asked for relationship advice before. But after

Resolved Question:

I've never asked for relationship advice before. But after numerous failed relationships I really feel so broken and am now asking myself what the hell am I doing wrong? The most recent breakup ended to reasons unknown to me and his explanation has left me asking myself maybe it is me that chase men away. So my bf and i were only dating three months, everything was fine, we never argued, got on like a house on fire, he spoke about how I'd make a good wife and how he's never connected with anyone like me before, he was so kind and gentle natured. Then one morning he was very distant. I know hes a deep thinker and just put it down to that. We had a long distance relationship so we only saw one another on weekends and he admitted after a few days together he sometimes finds it a bit intense. I agreed with him and just left it at that. The following week he said he felt the relationshio has been going so fast and he asked to slow things down. Me being who I am felt insecure and began thinking what the hell is going on here? Why the change of heart and the texted and calls became all about this change of heart. We decided to meet up half way and chat about things but on the day he texted me to say he wanted to call it a day after telling me he still wanted to be with me. And after a few days of me asking how on earth someone could be so fickle he said my reaction to all this is why he had reservations about me to begin with. So my understanding of this is he feels the way I handle things in the reason he let me go? Advice opinions please? Am I doing something wrong? Please help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

Hello I'd like to help you with your question.

From what you said, there are two possibilities as to why your relationships are struggling. One, there is something going on with you that is creating an issue and two, it is the type of men you are attracted to.

From what you wrote, there does not seem to be an issue with anything you are doing. If you are going along fine in the relationship and suddenly your boyfriend has a change of heart, that points to an issue with him. But you may want to take a closer look at your own behavior in your relationships. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship brings their own past with them. For example, if you witnessed abuse in your family as a child, you may be triggered by your past when you get into a relationship by what you went through. And you may not even be aware of it. So to determine if there is an issue with how you react, talk to friends and trusted family members (and if possible, any former boyfriends you are still friends with and feel safe asking). Ask for an honest review of your behavior in relationships. Be prepared to be open and accepting of any answers you get. If you hear a pattern of behavior or see any glaring issues, consider therapy to help you work through them.

However, if there are no issues with your behavior, you may want to look at the types of men you feel attracted to. Again, there could be a reason in your past that is causing you to be attracted to certain behaviors in a relationship. For example, if one or both of your parents were narcissistic, you may feel more comfortable around men who are self centered because that is the behavior you understand and feel most comfortable with. In that case, you may be subjected to men who put their own needs first and simply leave a relationship on a whim, when they feel like it. Therapy can also help here as well, giving you insight into what causes your attraction to certain people and how to address those issues so you avoid relationships where you are hurt.

With this particular relationship, it could also be possible that because it was long distance, it was very hard to maintain. Long distance relationships are more difficult. And it is easier for someone to end the relationship because their day to day lives are not as impacted as with a face to face relationship. That does not mean you did anything to cause this, but because of the long distance relationship, it would be harder to tell if your ex was truly committed or simply did not take the relationship as seriously as his words seem to indicate.

Here are some resources to help you:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

by Gary Chapman

When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships

by David Richo

The Relationship Handbook

by Dr. George Pransky Ph.D.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well you were right he wasn't as commited as he made out I have found out he's already back on the dating site we met and had the audacity to use a picture I recently took of us recently and cut me out of it. He can't see the wrong in it as we've split up. I just can't get my head around the fact that someone who appears so nice can just change their feelings so quickly.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

It is very hard to understand why someone would deliberately hurt you. But while you may never get a good explanation from him as to why he acted this way towards you, you can take a lot from his behavior. Healthy relationship behavior would have been for him to explain to you why he ended the relationship and also considering your hurt feelings as a result. But instead he left with no explanation leaving you feeling confused and hurt. Then using a picture of the two of you with your side cut out is a huge sign that there are serious issues with him. Both behaviors are also signs that if you had stayed in the relationship, you could have been hurt a lot more. His behavior shows that he is not capable of considering how his actions hurt you. That means he is capable of hurting you again and would do so if you stayed with him.

Realize that even if you could get a detailed explanation from him as to why he has done these things, both behaviors still indicate that he can hurt you deeply and not care. What you can do is work on changing how you are thinking about this relationship so you can work through your pain and move on. You have to force yourself to accept that his behavior shows he is willing to hurt you and not care about what you feel. Also, know that this will hurt to work through but that if you continue to remind yourself of what he is capable of, you can work through and let go. Find friends and family to talk to but focus on the goal of moving on. Stop looking on line for him and if you find yourself tempted, remind yourself how hurt you feel by his unhealthy behavior towards you. If you find you cannot stop, seek therapy. Overcoming a painful experience often requires support and a therapist can help you find ways to feel better about moving on.

I hope this has helped,

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thankyou
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

You are very welcome! Be kind to yourself and realize you have been through a lot. This is a time to focus on your own needs and let yourself go through what you need to in order to feel better.

Take care,

Kate

I hope this has helped. If you are ready, please rate my answer so I am reimbursed for my answers. Thank you!

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